cast

2005-11-01, 9:10 p.m.
Here they all are....misfits and freaks, every one of 'em.

BF - The Boyfriend (edit: actually now the fiance but I cant just call him The F, that would be wrong). (Double Edit: Good God! Ive been here so long the bastard's my HUSBAND now! How can that be right?) Been together since 2002 after meeting on a blind date. Bought a house together around '05 (and then he went on tour and left me there for six weeks on my own). A professional musician by trade, he's the handsomest, sexiest, most irritating, wonderful, randiest, vainest, most loving and scarily right-for-me man I've ever met. My hero. Can be a bit of an arse tho.Oh, and he's called "L" in my diary now, cos thats what his name begins with.

Jooj - My big girl. Totally totally grown up (well, she IS 13). Fearsomely intellegent, nosy as hell, will be staggeringy beautiful one day (if a little scary). Too tall, too big, too clever etc etc. The sweetest natured girl you could meet (except for when she's trying to kill her sister)

Treacle - My other big girl. Cute and doll-faced (even in the trailer trash/groupie/rock'n'roll clothes she picks for herself). Trades on her astonishing beauty to get the better of all men. She's 9

Shagnasty - My ex-husband. Caught having an affair (with MiniMe) by virtue of me finding his mobile-phone bill the best he could do was to amass his features into something resembling self-righteous indignation and bellow "you READ my MAIL!?!?!?". On balance, I think what he did was worse. Chipped away at my self-confidence for way WAY too many years until I was StepfordWife. We've achieved a kind of truce these days by me biting my lip, forcing myself to be civil and ignoring him unless he has something relevant and positive to say. It kind of works.

The Runts - My parents, Mater and Pater. Mater is secretly in love with BF and lets him get away with murder (and drunkeness and OUTRAGEOUS flirting with her friends) in a way none of the family would be allowed to. The day she caught him with his shirt off she nearly MELTED. Pater is a solid "top bloke". He can fix stuff, is strong as an ox, totally traditional, and sometimes admits that Im his favourite (but not to me). Told BF that Shagnasty is a "Cardboard C**t" which is just about the best description of him I've ever heard.

MiniMe - The woman Shagnasty went off with. She was one of my best friends. Over a period of six months or so, she turned herself into me, copying my clothes, my recipes, my life and once, my make-up - causing me to do a massive double-take and go "Buh Buh BluBlu guh buh" because I couldnt think of anything to say and she looked so.....weird. It was like some freaky Ed Gein nightmare thing. Anyways they broke up after about a year - two reasons: 1. My kids HATED her and 2. Shagnasty couldnt stand the way she nagged and whined and was obsessed with what I was doing and whether or not it was better than what she was doing. She has much bigger tits than I do but she's much shorter. I could take her in a fight. Easily.

Slavey - my secretary, assistant, factotum and all round jolly top good-egg (edit: now on maternity leave and replaced by Slaveboy - see below)

BBBM – BigBadBossMan – The king (and owner) of Twat Inc. When it suits him he can be quite amusing. The rest of the time he’s a Twat. Obviously. He has a garage full of B3ntley’s and a head full of dogshit.

The Incredible Sulk – my co-worker. She sulks. She goes into giant sized huffs where she wont talk to people, even if they speak directly to her. She has a cushy job two minutes from her house, for which she is paid approximately 20% over the going rate but she is still openly looking for another job and has been since two hours after I got promoted. Im her boss. She hates that. (edit: Im not her boss anymore, she got moved to another department. Yay!)

Capt Skiver – my other co-worker. Lazy, colonial, misogynistic, racist, homophobic bastard. I never saw a person do less work in my life. I cannot sack him as he is BBBM’s ex brother-in-law. He will be up for retirement in two years. I am his boss. He hates that. (Edit: he was finally made redundant after Twat Inc realised they had been paying him to do precisely NOTHING for over ten years)

Bad Friend – top banana. Not a Bad Friend in terms of "God, she’s really rubbish at being a friend" but more a friend with whom one can do bad things, like chatting up men in bars to get drinks when we’re skint (even tho we’re both well and truly spoken for). Wearing identical outfits to pick our girls up from their posh private school (biker jackets, mini skirts, stripy thigh-high socks and Elmer Fudd style huntin’hats with ear flaps) and then looking bemused at the reaction of the assembled throng of teachers/parents/kids etc. Running up the street and mooning at BF from the middle of the road. Practising our Star Wars fighting with some light sabres we found when we were at a boring party. Pretending to fancy each other in front of our boyfriends. You get the idea.

Slaveboy: Slavey's replacement. Tall, posh, gay, man. Flaps his hands about, has hissy-fits, moans about non-existant love handles. Dates muscle-men. Skives if I dont yell at him. Calls me Margo aftr character in the Good Life. The little bastard.

That's about it really - if I mention someone in my diary who needs clarification, send me a note and I'll clarify! edit: Here's some other people that you might find lurking in my pages. Names naturally changed to protect the guilty: Craig and Lina - Craig is one of L's clients. Lina is his wife. They are the richest people we know. But they arent posh. Not a bit. Lina's clothes are nicer than mine but she has plastic plants in her bathroom. Craig sang on the record that L had on the radio a while ago. He's not a great singer....but its a good song. Simon and Kelly - Simon was L's best man. Simon and Kelly are both BIG BIG people. I love it when they come to dinner cos they arent picky eaters. Kelly cant hold her drink and sometimes had a purple wine-moustache and doesnt care. They are lovely kind people. Pip and Carly - Pip is half-German. He's very opinionated but it doesnt matter cos he's clever and amusing. You dont have to agree with him to find him interesting. Carly is an exercise freak. She's too skinny and needs to eat more pies. She used to be married to someone off the telly. Liz and Dave - The only people to have their real names used here. Cos I cant find anything bad to say about them, the bastards.



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