Still having a bit of trouble with comments at the mo � mine seem to be OK but I keep getting dumbass computer-speak messages when I try to post them on other peoples sites. They keep telling me I need something or other to do with Java but I know I already have that cos BF dealt with it for me and, anyone who�s ever seen me in the mornings with my intravenous, weapons-grade Guatemalan, will tell you that �more Java� is something I definitely don�t need right now.
We�ve got a new guy at work. He�s Canadian. He seems quite nice but he does like to stop by my desk a couple of times a week and break upgrade and enhance my PC, resulting in lots of swearing (me) and an incomprehensible list of instructions to do with re-fragmenting and configuring and shared drives and stuff (him). Today he stopped by my desk just as Id sat down with my big pot of coffee.
Him: Awww, your turn to make the departmental coffee, huh?
Me: This is mine, dude.
Him: the WHOLE POT?
Me: Yeh-huh
Him: No wonder you�re��.like you are.
Me: WTF!!!??!
But he�d already gone.
I got my own back later in the day. Canada Dude�s wife also works at Twat Inc, helping out part-time in our marketing department. I noticed Canada Dude sat at his wife�s desk, fiddling with her PC.
�Hey, CanadaLady! That foreign bloke�s breaking your computer!�
She laughs. I say, �I bet he�s like that at home. I bet he breaks stuff and says its your fault for being dumb.� She laughs a bit more. Now Im on a roll. I do my best multi-purpose cross-atlantic accent:
�Oh honey! The toaster�s broken!�
�No. The toaster isn�t broken. The toaster has been reconfigured.�
�Oh. But honey, I cant make it make toast�
�Ah, what you have to do is take the bread, butter it, take the slice (butter side down) go out into the street, hop on one leg until the neighbours come out, invite them over, light the barbecue, when the flames die down and the coals are white-hot, throw the toaster out of the bathroom window and onto the coals. While the toaster is burning, fashion a fork from a wire coat-hanger. When the toaster flames have died down to 11.463mm from the horizontal axis, put the bread on the fork you made and hold it over the flames of the toaster until it reaches Pantone Ref 486 brown. Easy.�
�Umm. Was it not easier the old way?�
�Tut tut tut. Have you never heard of progress, my dear?�
She laughs and laughs until he leaves the room. Then she laughs louder. He�s gonna get me next week, Im sure. Im away from the office for a week. Anything could happen.
BF has ordered my engagement ring. We did the currency conversions and worked out the import tax and its still a TOTAL bargain. Pictures will naturally follow once it arrives.
Work was sooooooo quiet today. Hardly anyone was in and the phones weren�t going crazy like they usually do. The earlier part of the week was MENTAL � really busy in a �fucking hell, what NEXT?� kind of way, but today was mellowwwwww. Gave me a chance to finish off all the stuff Id fucked about with in a half arsed way been too busy to complete all week. Firstly, the second I got in this morning, I wrote a big long email to Toast asking for his clarification on about 500 things that he�d said �leave that with me� to in the last month. He called me in to his office to chat through them this afternoon. This mostly consisted of me sitting opposite him with my legs crossed, shorthand pad on my knee (I don�t do shorthand, but he doesn�t know that!), looking demure yet HOT, while he said �oh yehhhh, Ummmm, I need to deal with that soon� to everything. Basically I managed to let him know that every single bit of unfinished work is down to HIS inactivity rather than my incompetence. Then I wrote a big long email to Slave, explaining how to finish off each job if push came to shove. Slavey is back next week, while Im off. Ive left her a big long list of stuff to do. I feel a bit bad about that. Although, the very last item on the list is �Eat that Easter Egg�, which refers to the one I left on her desk, so maybe she�ll forgive me for being a rubbish boss.
Havent managed to find Easter Eggs for Jooj and Treacle yet. They�ve been a bit specific in their requirements this year and I haven�t managed to find Mars Delight eggs, or Galaxy eggs, despite going in about fifty shops yesterday. BF will make the Easter tree tomorrow and then the girls are off to Shagnasty�s til Tuesday so maybe I�ve bought myself a few days grace!
My folks had Jooj and Treacle today while I worked, and when I got in, my mum gave me a card and an engagement present! How cool is that! The present was something Id seen in Bruges when I was there with Sis but I didn�t think I could justify the purchase as it is a big multicoloured glass candelabrum. Fab! My mum�s being uncommonly nice to me at the mo. Its spooking me a bit, to be honest.
Had another letter from my stalker today. This time he was telling me that he is giving up the theatre as it was only making him unhappy. My fault? Gah. Im saving all the letters. My executors can publish them in the News of The World after he�s unexpectedly jumped out from behind a pillar and chopped me into salami at the bus station, or something. I jest. Im keeping them for�I don�t know what.
More soon.
S
x
Update - sorry guys, cant leave ANY comments for you at all at the moment. I can type em up OK but when I hit 'submit' it all goes to rat shit.
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