(It also filled up that little space at the base of ones neck where ones two collar bones kind of meet, but I�m not sure what that�s called or what might rhyme with it.)
Ive been away from here for a whole week! Well, what have you all been up to?
Sadly, I have little of import to impart, save that when I haven�t been working like a dog (and no, I don�t mean stretching out yawning on the porch, doing soundless but lethal farts or humping the legs of unsuspecting visiting vicars) � �tis a busy time in the world of the flower people - I have been rehearsing and rehearsing and rehearsing.
The play is now just a month away and I still don�t know my lines. I do find it hard to remember lines at the best of times and, what with all the other crud filling my life at the mo, I'm finding it particularly difficult this time around. BF and I spent a bit of time in the studio putting all my scenes onto CD � me speaking my lines, him taking the part of all other characters. I�m sure that will help. I can play the CD in the car instead of listening to the Coffin Dodgers Network in the mornings and I�m pretty sure it will soak into my whisky-pickled, pot-cured brain in no time at all.
Sadly, BF isn�t the best site-reader in the world and has no ear for the language of Shakespeare. He has, therefore, said all his lines in the voice of Graham Chapman in Holy Grail (Go tell your master that we are sent on a quest from God, and if he will grant us�etc). Somewhat off-putting, I�m sure you can imagine. In some scenes he plays several parts, meaning he can also employ the voice of many other Pythons. *sigh*
In my last scene, BF takes the parts of the Duke of Albany, of Gonerill (his wife) and of Edmond � the bastard son of Gloucester. Albany challenges Edmond to a fight, saying
"There is my pledge! I�ll make it on thy heart, Ere I taste bread�..blah blah blah"
For those not familiar, "Ere" in this case means "before" and rhymes with "Air". BF has chosen to read "Ere" as a contraction of the word "Here" and so has the same pronunciation as "Ear". A simple enough mistake and one easy to overlook�.had he not also chosen to give Albany the voice of Vinnie Jones and to insert some alternative punctuation not originally intended by the Great Bard. Thus we have, committed to CD.
"This is my pledge! I�ll make it! On thy heart��.(exclaims)�Ere!��(incredulous)I taste bread!"
Our stifled snorts and giggles can also be heard as I struggle to get out the next line, "Sick, oh sick!"
Board-treading aside, it�s been a week of not much. Friday was our anniversary (Five years. Five years! Five-fucking-years Ive been putting up with�.oh, never mind.) so should have been a day filled with charming reminiscences and longing for the working day to be over so we could rush into each others arms. Hmmm.
Thursday night, in a fit of the best kind of filthy lust, I got spooge in my eye. Actually, I got spooge everywhere. Ever seen a weedy fireman trying to recapture and control an out of control firehose? There�s just no arresting the beast, is there? It snakes this way and that, soaking all in its path. Usually the other firemen stand around pointing and laughing but, well, it wasn�t that sort of party.
Anyways, there was much rodeo-ing and mild roughing-up and gentle pinning of arms and all that stuff, until the inevitable cum-shower. No biggie. Except the cum in the eye. BF is lying back on the bed � feet pillow-wards � looking shell-shocked and muttering "FuckinghellFuckinghellFuckinghell". I am groping, half-blind, for the box of tissues which is usually on the bedside table (but which isn�t there as BF has used the last of the tissues earlier in the day because somebody forgot to get arse-wipe). By the time he regained his composure enough to go find something to clean up with - hindsight tells me perhaps an AquaVac may have been appropriate, rather than the one square of kitchen roll he managed to find � there had certainly been some damage done. Hastened to the bathroom, still dripping with cum and leaving a big Stepfie-shaped clean patch on an otherwise wrecked bed. Trying to look in the mirror with my one good eye and clean up (with a face cloth) what looked like an industrial accident in a Yoplait factory�
"Lookout Stepfie, the main tank�s gonna blow! Aaaargh, too late! KABLAMMMM! BOOOOOOM! SPPPPLATTTT!! *gasp* The poor bitch! She took the full force�.nobody could�ve survived�..Omigosh, What�s THAT? Stepfie! Youre ALIVE!!!! The Gods be praised!"
The facecloth was only adding mascara to the spooge bath � my Kiss Tribute Fancy Dress Costume was coming on apace, but apart from that�
Eventually got cleaned up but not before suffering some sort of semi-permanent eye damage resulting in me looking like Donald Pleasance in drag next day at work. I immediately confessed all to Slave in an attempt to get the piss-taking over with as quickly as possible. I was still having to wipe my weeping eye every five seconds and there�s no way I could�ve got away with any kind of lie in those circumstances. Slave immediately commenced a little vignette, taking the part of many and several spermatozoa swimming about in my eye�
Slave (Miming breaststroke): D�you ever get the feeling someone�s watching us?
Etc etc ad infinitum. She was sworn to secrecy and managed to last pretty well. However, I knew she�d cracked when I got back from lunch. The room went quiet, then our new (and quite dishy) boss looked at me and just said, "�.in your EYE? Fair play to BF!" and went on and on and on about it�.
"Yeh, but, in your EYE"
"Get over it, dude"
"Yeh. But. In your EYE!"
"�Kay, yeh. It happens."
"Yeh. Your eye, tho. In. Your EYYYYYYE!"
(pause)
"Dude�.ummm�..he wasn�t on the other side of the room or anything�"
(pause)
"oh"
On Tuesday (my only non-rehearsing night this week), I shall endeavour to write all about Durex Play, as I have now had ample opportunity to test two types and therefore compare and contrast in the finest tradition of proper scientific research�although Im not sure Ive ever read any scientific research specifically documenting the effects of a eucalyptus-enhanced cock on the tongue of the blowjobber (blowjobee? No, that�s the one on the receiving end, surely?). Whatever.
Oh, and Hedgiedude? I havent forgotten the pornreview, just no time to plough through the external hard-drive with that kind of objectivity! Your time will come, my friend.