Sex Aids Consumer Guide (look away mummy!)

2007-01-16, 9:21 p.m.

Well, what a rotten swizz!

Here was I, all ready to tell you all about the delights of Durex Play and then I go and find you can hear all about it
here which has stolen my thunder somewhat.

Im left only with a couple of teensy weensy anecdotes to make you want to rush out and buy it�.Booo.

I was introduced to this stuff by my dear Slave who had bought some for her BF and suggested I might like to give it a go. You can get it in Superduperdrug which has to be seen as a bonus � I don�t mind going into sex shops but there are plenty of people who would rather not � especially as they tend to be located in the less savoury parts of town.

The purchase of sex toys and accoutrements should not be shame-filled experiences. Neither do I believe they should be couched in the �nudge-nudgery� of the Anne Summers Party, where people too embarrassed to shop in sex shops are ripped off massively with overpriced crap which isn�t going to do much for anyone�s love life. Lager-flavoured booby drops? Spare me from the sort of man who would find that a turn on.

A good sex shop is a joy to find. Ive been in several where the staff have been as helpful, knowledgeable and customer focused as the staff in any other kind of top store. Sadly they�re few and far between.

Anyway, the first concerns the �Feel� stuff, which is just slippery and shiny and slidy and could possibly be used for massage if you were short of proper massage stuff. In addition it doesn�t dry up or smear all over the sheets once you�ve applied it, neither is it sticky so it doesn�t attract random bits of fluff/hair/crumbs or anything else that happens to be hanging about in the boudoir (socks/pets/small children?). You can apply it to any bits of you that you want to be slippy and smoothy and slithery, change your mind and do something else for a bit and then come back to those bits again and they won�t have gone clammy or icky. It doesn�t taste of anything (see below!), doesn�t smell of anything and is colourless. Its quite thick � a bit like John Freida Frizz Ease Hair Serum! � so doesn�t run off your fingers/cock/whatever and all over the shagpile. The only possible bar to its use is that the little pumpy bottle thing does make quite a loud �FURTYFURTYFURTY� noise when you squirt it, which might prevent its use in polite company or if one�s walls are particularly thin. Still, its great fun for two or more who want to be slippy, slidy and generally not chafing each other in any way.

The other one I can heartily recommend is the �Tingle� variety. This is a bit runnier but just as slippy and slidy as the other one and, a few seconds after applying it, one gets a tingly sensation a bit like taking a sharp breath of cold air after eating a peppermint. This sensation lasts a good few minutes and can be intensified by rubbing � gently or vigorously, they both seem to work. As it heightens sensation, its ideal for speeding things up when alone, or for evening-up the playing field if one of you is close to the finish line whilst the other�s still tying up their laces. Don�t bother using it in the bath or shower as it washes off too quickly to combine the sensations and it might be an idea to go sparingly if you�ve recently put slicks on the undercarriage unless you have skin like rhinoceros hide. As I said, it IS a bit runnier but still moves at a slow trickle, tingling as it goes � girls: if you�re lying on your back that can be fab if you apply a big squirt and let it trickle over your quim, although your eyes might be rolling back in your head a bit by the time it gets to your bumcrack as it does take a while! Chaps: A big squirt on your banjo will run down your cock slowly enough for you to take a swig of your beer, but quickly enough to have reached your balls (probably!) by the time you�ve put the tinnie back on the bedside table. Depends how thirsty you are.

Used in conjunction with BuzzyToys it can speed things up to a SCARY degree so you may like to take that into consideration if you were just planning to get a little headstart � you don�t want to be lying back on the pillows, smoking a cig and gazily dreamily into the middle distance before he/she�s has a change to wriggle out of their Calvins. It has a slight menthol-y, eucalyptus smell/flavour, NOT like Ralgex, so no tell-tale lingering odour (fuck OFF, we�ve all done it�and Vick�and those paperthin chewing gum thingies). If you are a bit squeamish about natural body smells/tastes � I don�t mean farts/sweat, I mean just how people ARE � then you might find that this would get you over that ickiness as �Tingle� tastes pleasantly minty without being overpowering. My word of warning here would be that, if you are a bit drunk, it is easy to forget to brush your teeth before you fall asleep.

�Did I brush my teeth?�
�Nope�
�Are you sure? Im all mintymouth.�
�You sucked my cock, silly.�
�Oh.�
�Nightie night then�
�zzzzzzzz�

Later
S
x




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