It seems ages since I last did a proper update � the celebrity shag fest took up so much of my time that Ive had a severe case of update fatigue and havent been able to write anything for ages. But, its Monday, BF is in the studio, teaching til 8.30 and Ive got nothing to do til then as Ive had a day off and have caught up on pretty much all the chores.
I keep going over the last few weeks, trying to think of stuff Ive done that might be note-worthy, but to be honest, there isnt really much to report.
Like I said, I had a day off today. Jooj begged me to go to her school to do some kind of reading thing for Book Week. Working full time means I never get the chance to do all the school-based stuff I used to do when I was married (and not working) so I had to book a days holiday to be able to do it. I had to go into school and read a selection from a book of my choice. I turned up at the allotted hour and resumed my rightful place as Queen Stepfordmum by reading the bit from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince where Dumbledore gets hit with the Avada Kedavra curse. I thought I would just get through a couple of pages but the teacher said I had half an hour so I was able to do the whole chapter. I was a bit nervous as there was another mum there and I thought maybe her choice of reading matter might be better than mine but, joy of joys, she�s brought one of those dumb-ass Horrid Henry books with her so she took all the dumb baby kids off with her and I got all the ones who can read really well or who were looking for something just a wee bit exciting (ie most of the boys and all the slightly geeky but attentive girls!).
Reading aloud holds no fears for me and I let rip with a truly dramatic performance, yelling in the shouty bits and building suspense and tackling all the �magic� words like Id been schooled by Dumbledore himself. Legilimency is actually quite a hard word to say out loud. I must admit I was really pleasantly surprised at all the rapt little faces � even some of the really cool kids stopped feigning indifference long enough to gape. When it was time to finish they all went "Awwwww-wuh" like Id said it was time for bed or something. Afterwards, Teech told me I read beautifully and that she should take some lessons from me. Yay Me! Ive yet to find out if Jooj has lost her final shreds of credibility by having her mum come up the school but since it was her idea in the first place Im not too worried. AND the other mum didn�t even have the good grace to look COOOL, she just looked like, well, somebody�s mum. No biker jacket or red lipstick or anything! Jooj has Parents Evening on Thursday, at which I will roast her literacy teacher for not letting her read books from the 11+ section in the school library � it comes to something when the books she reads for fun before going to bed are more difficult and challenging than the ones she brings home for home-work.
In other news, I had two (count them!) doctors appointments today. Once at 10.15 and one at 4.30. I know that sounds dumb but the nurse I had to see to get my blood test done cant do the medication check that the afternoon nurse needed to do and the blood van comes at three so I couldn�t get my bloods done in the afternoon. So its back and forth to Chigley all bloody day, pausing only to go the grocery shop, buy a new coffee machine for the office, make a spinach and salmon quiche for supper tonight and generally be a bit of a Goddess around the house. BF is on antibiotics (don�t ask, Im not telling!) and so is a bit knocked out and had to have sandwiches and cups of tea administered at regular intervals too so that took up a fair bit of the day. Bizarrely I don�t feel like Ive had a day off, but feel more like I used to when I didn�t go to work at all � just a-beetling around, filling up the day a-doin stuff. Its been lovely.
Forgot to mention last weekend went on a little shopping jaunt with Slave � took some money out of the Blue-Piggy-Bank-of-Saving-Up-For-Stuff and went into ChavVille for some long overdue retailing. Bargain of the day was a grey Ralph Lauren jacket on sale for �12 instead of �80! And, check THIS!, when I got it home its exactly the same fabric/colour as one of my fave and most flattering work skirts. So now, by default and with almost no lying, I have a Ralph Lauren suit. Yay! I shall wear it on Wednesday when the new GM starts at Twat Inc and shall be corporate par excellence.
Twat Inc is threatening to be quite interesting over the next couple of weeks. The new GM and I have spoken on the phone about a fortnight ago. He phoned to speak to BBBM and I just happened to pick up the reception phone. He didn�t introduce himself but just demanded to be put through. For reasons that may become apparent, I�ll call him Toast.
Me: Im sorry, he�s not here right now. May I take a message for him or is there someone else who might be able to help you?
Toast: No. I want to speak to him. When will he be in?
Me: Im sorry, I don�t hold his diary. Would you like me to ask him to call you when he comes in?
Toast: Look. This is Toast. Im not some bloody salesman, you know. Im starting work there in March and I need to speak to him. Just put me through, will you, or tell me when he�ll be in.
Me: I didn�t say you were a salesman, and for the record this is Stepfordtart � I am the (Very Important Sounding Title of My Job), not a receptionist. Im sorry. He isnt here and Im not sure when he�ll be in. As I said, I don�t hold his diary. I�ll put you through to GM and Im sure he�ll be able to help you.
He�s toast. Firstly, for speaking to me like a piece of shit. And secondly for thinking it was OK to talk to me like that because he assumed I was a receptionist. He will very soon find that whilst some really important things are done by other people at Twat Inc, all the farty-abouty cruddy stuff that nobody else wants to take on but which are totally VITAL for the smooth running of the place are done by My Department. The boss of which�.is Me. He will need to do some serious sucking up from Day One of his overpaid, glorified bookkeeper, self-important job or he will be lightly grilled bakery produce before you can say "I don�t appear to have any stationery and my phone doesn�t work and I need some hospitality arranged and I don�t know who to ask about this. Or this. Or this. Or this. And everybody hates me cos you said I was a bit of a cunt and whilst the bosses sometimes undermine you, the drones think you�re God."
We also have a new Top Banana starting in the �Department of WTF?�and it cost HOW MUCH�, otherwise known as Marketing. He will be XXX�s new boss and she is shitting herself. Partly because she has been running the department for a year on her own and is scared he will sack her to make himself look fabulous, but also because she has been fucking things up fairly consistently due to being a mentally-ill, domestically abused, over-pressured derr-brain and is scared he will sack her when he finds out the full story. Needless to say this isnt doing much to improve her coping skills.
BBBM has agreed, astonishingly, to allow me to study for a Certificate in 3mployment Law and Pr@ctice which will allow me to slide unseen into the role of HR Manager which, if you recall, he gave to his wife just before Christmas. Apart from her fleeting trip to the office on the day after the appointment, she has never been back, and the Job Descriptions she was allegedly writing have never materialised. Even more astonishingly he told me that I was the perfect choice to take over the HR duties of GM when he leaves at the end of March and that Twat Inc WILL PAY FOR THE COURSE! At a cost of nearly �4000, its quite possible that the proverbial feather could�ve knocked me flat on my back had I not been perched demurely on one of his horrid leather executive chairs at the time. (Those chairs piss me off, they�re just like the Reggie Perrin ones, they make a horrid windy fart noise when you sit down. I always sit right on the very edge so it doesn�t happen � Im sure it drives BBBM crazy!).
I have up to two years to complete the course, which involves several trips to L0ndon and rather more home-study than Im entirely comfortable with but hell, it�s a step in the right direction, isnt it? Bearing in mind the last thing I studied for was my Painting and Decorating qualification just after Shagnasty left me, Im slightly jittery about using my brain again but Im sure its in there somewhere, floating about my head in a sea of JD like a tampon at Western Shore (sorry � local gag!). It is by far the most career-minded thing I have ever done in my life. If he doesn�t change his mind, that is!
Before that all kicks off though, I have the onerous task of organising GMs leaving do, which has to take place in work time (=no alcohol) and be low-key (=costs nothing), which is a real shame as GM is a top bloke and deserves a really top send-off for all the shit he�s had to put up with over the last squillion years. Im waiting til after pay day to pass the collection hat round as I want to at least be able to get him a really cool present. Any suggestions?
News from the home front? As I said, BF is a bit off colour but is taking his medication like a good boy. Things have been a bit strange between us for a week or so � nothing scary, just the house settling, I think. We�ve only been living together for a little while and there are bound to be things that need working out between us. We�ve got some big shit going down which is making us both a bit edgy and he has admitted he�s not been himself lately, so we�ve had a couple of big talks and I think everything�s more or less OK now. He loves me and the kids very much and now that Im managing to convince him that the feeling�s mutual he�s calmed down a bit.
Jooj has an assignment to do for school which involves her writing a book (yup. A book. not a story. a book!). She�d started the bloody thing three or four times and run out of steam almost at once so we had a big planning meeting last night and made loads of notes and Ive set her a task of giving me a plot synopsis by Wednesday that we can then expand on. She�s still lovely, and kind and sweet natured and since she had her extra diving lesson (BF took her during half term) she�s also now sorted out her back dive troubles. Hoorah!
The bundle of gorgeousness that is Wee Treacle is still, well, gorgeous. She was humming a tune yesterday that had me and BF wandering around all day going "What is that bloody tune?" � bearing in mind it was the theme tune to a TV sports show which none of us watch, I was a bit surprised but when I asked her how she knew it she just said "I just heered it". She has a remarkable capacity for tunefulness which goes well beyond her years. Also, the coolest dress sense which saw her spending the day yesterday dressed in white jeans (button undone "cos they squish my tummy") and one of those fake "punk rocker" type t-shirts with the strategically placed rips. Oh and pink bovver boots. She rocks.
Time now to put the quiche back in the oven � the Concrete Pie (potato, leeks, cheese, cream etc) that is to be its accompaniment is bubbling away on the bottom shelf already and its nearly supper time.
Apologies for the rather suburban entry today, folks. Like I say, me and BF have been slightly out of kilter the last week or so, so there�s not quite so much debauchery to tell as there might normally be! Kids are at Shagnasty�s til Wednesday and I predict a return to our usual form before the night is through.
Until next time
S
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