Ummm...Yeh....!
2007-03-26, 9:11 p.m.
The weekend starts here. Well, actually, it started over there a bit, when I got in from work on Friday.FRIDAY
Friday afternoon was one of those that just seems to NEVER end. No matter what I did, the clock didn�t seem to move around at all. Every one of my Field Reps (or Field Officers as is their current official title) pissed me off at least once � with that fat Scottish cunt* leaving me to coin the new crime of FOicide, the act of murder most foul done to a Field Officer.
Tried to pass the afternoon in gossiping with Slave but it just wasnt working out at all, we were both just too busy. Bah.
Tried to ring Smash when I got in but BF was in charge of making the dinner so I only got about five minutes of chatting before I had to go and administer remedial assistance to the hard-of-cooking.
* I call him "that fat Scottish cunt" because he is Scottish, is fat and is, indeed, a cunt. This is no means a slur on the good people of Scotland. Nor on people who may or may not have eaten all the pies. Just on him. He would still be a cunt if he were thin and from AnywherelseLand. In case I should still be showing bias against the Scots and/or the corpulent, I would respectfully point out that the rest of the Field Officers are, respectively: That Fucking LazyArsed Mick, That Menopausal Dwarf-Cretin, That Boss-Shagging Scrubber, That Polish Moron and That Fucking Welsh Hippie. The two new FO�s due to join us next Wednesday will doubtless earn their own insults before the week is out.
Stoopid is as stoopid does
Walked down to the Workies for a few scoops and I started to feel a bit more human, especially as I got to chat to my new little friend, Tazzie. I can use her name here as she is extremely unlikely ever to find this�and I suspect that she can barely read. She�s a teenage single mum and part-time barmaid. Pretty in a care-worn kind of way and the sort of person for whom the word �ingenuous� was invented. I have never met a person over the age of 6 who is so unaware of�.well�everything in the world, really. She already told me that she�s had a horrible home-life and hadnt really got on very well at school � the guys in the club delight in joking about how thick she is � but she�s not thick, she�s just ill-educated. After she said, apologetically "I know I�m stupid. I don�t know nuffink about nuffink, I don�t.", I thought it was time to prove her wrong. By getting her to tell me how she (carefully!) budgets her paltry wages and benefits to last the week and how she makes sure that her little daughter is well cared for and properly nourished, I managed to sneakily prove to her that she�s not nearly as stupid as she thinks she is, and that learning stuff outta books isnt the only way to be clever.
Later in the evening, she asked me how old I am. I told her. She looked genuinely surprised and peered at my face, saying "You must have some lovely face-cream cos you look YOUNG! I hope I look like you when Im as old as that."
Like I said, ingenuous.
The Special Interest Section
There were lots of people we knew in the Workies last night and we hung about chatting to C and Sad Nick and Rick of the Shotgun Wedding and The Professional Mourner for a bit. The subject of porn came up and there was a fairly lively debate going on for a time.
As you know, the BF and I are fairly high level consumers of porn � all kinds of porn, good porn, bad porn, whatever, it all gets watched�and then either deleted, stored or burnt to DVD. Most of the porn we watch is fairly standard stuff, and nothing that most of youz wouldn�t have seen (or at least heard of) in general day-to-day life. We do, of course, have our particular favourites; things that really are �just for us� and don�t just amuse us while we�re getting stoned, but do actually make us want to go shag each other senseless. Some of this stuff�s fairly specialist. Nothing illegal, nothing that would make you cross the road to avoid us, but just stuff that�s private and maybe not quite as mainstream as the rest of it.
As I was leaving the bar to go to the loo last night, I heard someone mention this particular activity. I quickly stamped on BFs toe, lest he should think it appropriate to bellow "Ooooh, Me and Stepfie LOVE that stuff!" across the bar, and disappeared upstairs for a pee.
When I got back, it was obvious that a splinter group had formed as BF was deep in conversation with C and there was a lot of nodding going on. C moved away as I rejoined them and BF was able to hiss "Guess what! C�s obsessed with *that*(fuck off! Im not telling you what.). He had an experience when he was 21 and he�s never forgotten it. Apparently he trawls the internet trying to find *those* films�.!"
We have hundreds.
Although he was stood just five feet away from me and I could have easily called him over, I sent a text to C saying that we�d burn him a copy of *a very good special film* and carried on drinking. I am saintly.
SATURDAY
Got up late and did the Lidl�s shop. As the girlies were at their dads, BF came with me to help. This meant we have bought far more chocolate biscuits than we really need�and not quite enough fruit and veg. As it is �Care for Your Horse� week in Lidls we also bought a whip. With a silver handle. For �2.99. No, we haven�t got a horse. I walked on into Chigley town to do a bit of shopping and BF took the car home to unpack the groceries and repair to the pub for a restorative Guinness or three.
I�d been promised a nice night out at a restaurant so I thought Id better get myself a new dress or something. Half an hour of wandering around Chigley�s miserable excuse for a shopping centre and Id bought a winter coat (I KNOW Winter�s pretty much over, but it was cold in Chigley and I only have a biker jacket or an orange fleece hoodie � neither of which I had with me, and neither of which are really suitable for wearing to work!). Anyway, its very nice, aubergine colour with a cute little furry collar. And it was �9. I also bought a cream pinstripe trouser suit for work. I may be incompetent, but Im always stylish.
Id pretty much figured out that I could cobble an outfit together out of what�s already in my wardrobe for wearing out that evening and then I happened past a little boutique. In the window was a black and white mini dress, swirly geometric pattern, clingy stretchy stuff and chiffon sleeves. Perfect with high heeled boots and only �18. Even though everyone else in the shop was about 12, I went in and tried it on. It looked very nice. A bit short�.but very nice. So I bought it.
Walked back home via the pub and showed BF and the assembled friends and acquaintances my purchases. Later, much later, little Tazzy was admiring my outfit. �Its nice, Tazzy� I said �but it is a bit short�. She was working behind the bar and had to peer over for a better look. She said �Did you get it from Boutiquey-Place? Was it in the window?�
I nodded.
�It�s a top.� She said
�wha?�
�It�s a top. Its not a dress. It�s a top. You�re supposed to wear it over jeans or something.�
�Ah.�
Saturday Evening
Skip back a bit, if you will, dear readers, to Saturday tea-time. Me and the ever-lovely BF getting ready to go out. Taxi all booked, both of us looking splendid: Me in my top new dress, BF in a proper shirt and the jacket that he blagged from Tom the last time he visited. Off we jolly well go to this TOP restaurant which is part owned by my dear Slavey�s BF and his dad so we always get fab service and enormous amounts of delish food.
BF had obviously prepared well as there was a beautiful arrangement of roses and leucadendron on the table (sent ahead - he thinks of everything, the love). We dispensed with the menus and let the chef decide. Thai fish cakes and Khanom Pang Na Mu � which is kind of deep-fried pork on toast (!), then the wonderfully aromatic Poh-Taek fisherman�s soup � a flotilla of crab claws, squid, mussels and prawns in a lemony, garlicky, chilli-y broth. Mmmmmmmmm. I had about fifty bowls of that before starting on the main dishes � one of pork with chillis, another beef with oyster sauce and garnished with cashews and a stir-friend prawn dish with spring onions. About the time I started to think I would never need to eat again, BF rummaged in his pocket and produced my iPod, motioning for me to put the headphones on.
Ive got mutant ears. Headphones always fall out and I have to hold them in with my fingers. It makes me look like Im just about to go �NotlisteningNotListeningNotlistening�, which isn�t true of course.
Anyway. Im sat there, with my fingers in my ears, listening. Its Daniel Bedingfield �If You�re Not The One�. I like that song. It makes me think of BF but we�ve never said its �our song� or anything. I look at BF. He�s looking right in my face. My eyes go a bit prickly. BF is blinking, quite a lot. He reaches out to hold my hand but Ive got my bloody fingers in my ears, holding the headphones in so he holds my arm instead. He�s still looking right in my face.
When the song finished, I took the headphones out. �I like that song� I said. BF pushed his chair back and stood up. Then he knelt down on one knee, in the middle of the restaurant, and asked me to marry him.
And I said yes.
Then the whole restaurant cheered. He whipped out a little box and inside was a twisted silver ring�.made of tinfoil. He said �We�ll choose a ring together, then you can have whatever you want�. I wore the tinfoil ring til Sunday night, then I put it in my jewellery box. Its very precious.
Big Build Up
Apparently, I was the last to know he was gonna do it. He�d asked my dad on Thursday (HOW OLD-FASHIONED IS HE?!), and he�d told his sister, and Chum, and Liz, and BadFriend and he�d told Slavey�s BF (so he could get the flowers sent in) and Slavey�s BF had told Slavey and she�d kept it a secret for THREE WHOLE DAYS which is amazing as she cant usually keep quiet about ANYTHING.
So. Fucking good job I said yes, wasn�t it!
After we�d been back to the pub (see above!) and got home, we had a good cry. The Man Who Vowed To Never Marry Again and the Girl Who Thought She Wasn�t A Good Enough Wife, wrapped their arms around each other and sobbed. Then we wiped each other�s tears and said �don�t cry, baby� and went to bed.
SUNDAY
Got up VERY late as we�d forgotten that the clocks went forward. Ooops.
Had a cup of coffee and a bit of toast and then it was beer o�clock so we went to the funny country pub that we�d gone to with Smash and had a couple in there. I was driving so I was just on cokes. BF was nagging me to phone my folks but, in the cold light of day, I felt a bit funny. I hadn�t changed my mind or anything like that but�.well�.getting engaged! That�s for teenagers, isn�t it? And, lets face it, last time I talked to my mum, she wasn�t exactly NICE to me, was she?
Had a practice run at it by phoning Sis and BiL but couldn�t get through the whole thing without blubbing so had to leave it a bit longer. Eventually steeled myself to do it and phoned their number. They weren�t there so I left a message. Im such a coward.
Went into Chigley around 3 to look in the two (crappy) jewelers shops there for rings. They were all horrible. BF pointed out a big fat glittery rock that cost two months salary. I shook my head. Love�s not measured by the size of the rock. I know this. If it were so, Shagnasty would�ve loved me so much more. I have a drawerful of diamonds that meant nothing more than �I gotta get her something and I want everyone to know Im loaded�.
Eeeeuuuuw!
In the evening we walked down to the workies as BF had burnt the �special interest� DVD for C. �Here�s that software you wanted, C�, says BF, all subtle-like. C seemed very pleased and popped it into his pocket straight away. A bit later on, when BF had gone for a pee, C called across the bar:
�Stepfie! That software�er�.did you and BF produce it yourselves?�
�Dude, BF copied it for you�
�Yeh but�.did you�err�write it?�
�*looking confused* Im not a programmer, dude�
�No..err�did you�errr�ummm *stage whisper* ARE YOU IN IT?�
������FUCKING HELL, NO! Jesus H Christ! NO! No I am NOT fucking well in it, you pervert!�
�Oh. Just asking. I thought maybe��you and BF��.home movie�ummmm�.sorry.�
Our friends are freaks.
Later
S
X
PS My mum called back. She sounded really pleased. I haven�t told Jooj and Treacle yet. Or Shagnasty.
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