New Year, New happy fun times

2015-01-01, 11:51 p.m.
Hello everyone. Happy New Year to you and may you have everything that you need in 2015. Obv, one of the things we need in 2015 is a working Diaryland but its functionality is slowly returning bit by bit and Ive every faith in Andrew. We could have a ‘better’ journal site if we wanted one but we like this one, wobbly bits and all, or we’d have moved on years ago.

That noise you can hear is me, cutting Andrew some slack.

Ive got some stuff on my mind, Diaryland. So, in the time-honoured tradition, I’ll share it with a bunch of internet strangers rather than talk to my friends and family cos, well, that’s just easier.

L has been ill for a while. Some atrial fibrillation shit going on and you might remember he spent a bit of time in hospital back in October. While he was there, they also gave him some ‘drying out’ treatments and, for a short while, I had my husband back and things were sweet. Then, of course, things have gradually slipped back how they were and Ive been pinning an awful lot on L going back to the hospital and getting some more of the medication that takes away the withdrawal symptoms.

I’d kind of convinced myself (because I didn’t have any reason not to) that L not drinking would be the answer to a lot of problems. Anyways, he went back to the hospital last week but he didn’t come back with the magic pills and I did give him a bit of a hard time about it, accused him of not wanting to get better, all that kind of thing.

What he did come back with was a big red folder, which he left lying about.

Idly thumbing through it, I find it’s a kind of ‘managing your condition’ type thing – a bit like the one I had when I had cancer, but its not a ‘managing your condition – alcoholism’ guide, it’s a ‘managing your condition – heart failure’ guide.

L says he ‘hasn’t read’ it, so of course he cant discuss it with me. Im pretty sure that’s a lie.

The bits that I read were not a fun read at all.

For a start, all the stuff Ive meaning moaning about for weeks/months/years don’t appear to be just L, being annoying. Theyre actual real symptoms of heart failure.

There’s plenty of helpful tips in the big red folder, both for the patient and their ‘carer’, to help them manage their good days and their bad days. I don’t want to manage good days and bad days. I don’t want to be a carer.

L is still drinking and smoking and I guess what Im actually saying is I don’t want to be a widow.

He wont talk to me and keeps saying ‘its nothing’ and then I get upset and then he gets shitty.

I went to my sister’s today – she’d invited us all down for a walk on the beach and a bit of lunch. There was football on TV so L didn’t want to go. He stayed home but I know he wouldn’t have been able to manage the walk if he had come with us. The sky and the sea and the land were all the same dismal shade of grey-yellow and it was drizzling a bit, which suited me as I was trying not to cry and sometimes not managing it.

 photo sea_zpse525645a.jpg

My 75 year old parents were arm-in-arm along the beach and my husband couldn’t have managed the walk.

I need to read some more about heart failure because at the moment it feels like…well, I don’t know what it feels like, apart from a cold hard lump at the bottom of my throat and prickly eyes that I can usually explain away with wearing my glasses but sometimes I have to go in the other room and force myself to carry on. If I start crying, I will never ever stop.

Later
S
x

PS If the notes thingy still isn’t working and you feel the need to comment, you can always email [email protected]. That works, I just tried it.




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