Cars and Boobs. Im a one-woman Nuts magazine.
2014-09-23, 10:40 p.m.
Weird shit that is going down in my life at the moment.It was School Photo Day which meant that all the kids got their photos done or, if you prefer, all the girls in Year 10 got sent to the toilets to wash their makeup off. I need a new staff pass so I got my photo taken, too. I still don�t have a staff pass but, weirdly, I do have these:
Which aren�t of a great deal of use to me as both my Grandmas are long-since deceased and so don�t need Christmas presents. I guess I could put them on the mantelpiece to keep the kids away from the fire. Any better suggestions?
Perhaps the school gave them to me to take my mind off the fact that I STILL HAVENT HAD MY BLOODY EXPENSES as either the finance lady or the budget bloke or the people at County who are supposed to deal with this kind of shit have lost them. Ive re-submitted the missing ones (April May and June) but I wont get paid for them until the end of October which is a bit of a pain in the arse and I actually need them right now. And not in a �Ive seen a sequinned cardi I�d like to buy� kind of way, but in a �I owe my mum �300 from when we went to Corfu and my Visa bill has now overtaken the national debt of a small African nation� kind of way.
Other shit I have been spending my money-that-I-don�t-have on includes fixing up my car (more on that later) and the purchase of two of the most hideous brassieres ever to have been constructed , ready for my impending boob surgery which is scheduled for NEXT FRIDAY!
Its VERY odd, dear D�land, buying bras that deliberately don�t fit, in readiness for a time when they do fit. Very odd indeed. The nice lady at the hospital said �get them about two cup sizes bigger than you are at the moment, which I have done, and now Im a little afraid cos them bras is BIG! I could fit my arse in those bras. I could comfortably carry two bowling balls around in those bras�and still have room for the boobs I currently have.
What if I awake from the anaesthetic next Friday and find I can only see my feet if I use a complicated arrangement of mirrors? Eek. You�ll still be able to see the �cancer op� scars but Im kind of OK with that � they�re a bit �badge of honour� really, I guess.
I have to wear the ugly-ass bras for four weeks, I think (and that�s day and night � no respite for the newly-boobed!) and then it�ll be a few more weeks before I can wear any kind of �me� bra (that is, one with wires and lacy bits and possibly frills. And sequins. And net. And matching knickers).
OMIGOD I CANT WAIT!!!!!! And Imma shake them things in YOUR face!
Lets talk about something else instead of my Noobs.
Anybody noticed how much Stepfordbro looks like Saints� Manager Ronald Koeman? No? Oh, he totally does
Here�s my brother, infront of the home crowd on Saturday, just before we beat those dirty-playin sheep-shaggers at Swansea 1-0
And here�s Ronald Koeman, inexplicably horsing about in my house at Christmas a few years ago.
Wait�.I�oh, never mind. They do look alike tho, don�t they?! The main difference is, of course, that only one of them has got his tactical knowledge of The Beautiful Game from the Super Striker Game I got him for his birthday a few years back.
In other news, Jooj has finally sent off her UCAS application, after having her finger hover over the �send� button for a good twenty minutes. Perhaps her personal statement wasn�t good enough, maybe she shouldve mentioned Chaucer? Maybe she should�ve got a different tutor to write her reference? Maybe she should apply to Durham after all? Maybe she should just click the damn button already and let the Gods of Just Get On With It decide. Anyways, she�s applied to Cambridge and Cardiff and Edinburgh and two of the London ones but I cant remember which ones so Im sure she�ll get in somewhere and then I�ll be rid of her I will cry for a week like the pathetic old woman that I am.
*GASP* I forgot I was going to tell you about my car! Its totally fixed now and Im driving it to work and its super lovely, just like it was before!
Do you remember My Car? I loved it So So much and I really was gutted when I couldn�t afford to fix it up and drive it any more ? Im SO glad I didn�t sell it � its worth pretty much nothing now, of course � because it really is a joy to drive. jarofporter, you must come back to England so you can have a drive of it � its fucking lovely! Driving it to work, even though its costing me around �75/$110 per week in petrol (which I WILL get back when I finally get my expenses) and I had to drive it in pea-soup fog this morning, is infinitely preferable to getting on the train and, even though it doesn�t exactly make my horrible job any less horrible, it does take the edge off my shitty days a little bit, knowing that I get to spend around an hour and a half each day zipping about like a one woman Scalextric tournament. I have yet to fly off on a corner and go under the sofa, but Im sure its only a matter of time.
Just so long as I don�t turn myself into strawberry jam (with added twisted metal) before next Friday, though, huh, as I WANT THOSE NOOBS!