It�s been a while since I talked fulsome fun-bags with y�all so I�m not quite sure where we�re up to. I saw a couple of surgeons (including the skinny Chinese one, I deffo told you about that) and they sent me for a second opinion to Salisbury and I deffo haven�t told you about that as it was only last week.
Anyways, I saw a JOLLY nice surgeon in Salisbury who was more my kind of person, being the sort of person who can have a joke about a serious subject and not be a po-faced moo like the skinny Chinese surgeon lady and not like the other surgeon who has much too much of the primary school teacher about him for my liking. I need a proper grown up, who understands that my use of expressions like �impressive rack� is my defence mechanism and stops me having to think too much about serious stuff like cancer and surgery and being a fucking great big mental case over something as tedious as mismatched breasts. I do understand the gravity of the situation, I really do. If I didn�t, I wouldn�t be able to make such hilarious jokes about it, would I? Anyway, the new surgeon is in a hospital where they have a very long tradition of doing fucking fantastic plastic surgery � admittedly, this is usually on people who have �proper� injuries, like burns and disfigurements and stuff that really affects their quality of life, not just on stupid middle aged women who cry because their bra doesn�t fit them properly.
And the new surgeon says (about the �fat transfer� thing they were suggesting in Southampton) �ooh, no, don�t have that done� and implies that�s for amateurs and instead suggests that first I go and see the clinical psychologist. The surgeon says that he does this with all his patients and I�m kind of cool with that. He said it is to help �manage expectations� so I did explain to him that I�m not expecting the surgery to be some kind of time machine � where I recover from the anaesthetic to discover I now have teenage boobs and the rest of the body to match � but I�m happy to see the Psych if that�s what I ought to do. And then he suggested that I have a set of implants done � the right hand side (the fucked up cancer boob) will have a bigger implant, in a slightly different place, to the left hand one but the overall effect would be of two, fairly evenly matched, uber boobs. Not in a terrifying Lola Ferrari way, just a bit more whangerlicious than my current state. In case you were wondering, whangerlicious is totally a real word.
He�s put me on the waiting list now as its quite a long list (9 months ish) so that �time is ticking away� while I wait to see the psych and make my mind up about what I want to do. At the moment, I�m thinking that the implants sounds like a pretty good idea. I think slightly bigger boobs would match my general shape. If they seem a bit big I could always grow my arse to fit, instead of what I have at the moment which is a never ending sage of futile attempts to become slender enough to be in proportion to my less than generous top bollocks.
TeeBeeAitch, it�s the first time I�ve felt properly positive about the whole business � I quite liked the idea of the fat transfer but I didn�t like the lady surgeon of the idea that fat transfer can interfere with the results of future mammograms, making it more difficult to tell cancer cells from fat transfer scar tissue, and the other (primary school) surgeon told me in no uncertain terms that he didn�t think he would be able to improve on what I had already by doing an uplift on the (non-fucked up) side and that he might even make things worse. Nobody wants an unconfident surgeon, do they?
In other news, I was listening to this on the radio the other day
It�s got a really weird bit of backing vocal/riff which sounds just like a yapping dog. Just before the �HUHHH� bit. It goes �yap yap-yap yap, yap-yap yap-yap-yap HUH� and once you�ve noticed it ion the song, you just can�t ever listen to the song again without hearing ONLY THAT!
The only upside is that it has obviously provided a long-awaited career comeback for the canine voice artiste who sang the backing vocals on the Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds soundtrack, who yaps along to �One for all and all for one, Muskehounds are always ready� etc.
Listen!
Yap yap yap yap yap
(with added HUH)
Later
S
x
PS Oooh, forgot to tell you - Ive found a recipe for Bacon Cake! Yes, really! Will let you know when Ive tried it *smiley face*
back - forth