Chocolate Armpit Tattoo School
2012-07-05, 9:26 p.m.
And all the stuff I forgot to tell you last time includes:I MADE THEEEEEEEE BIGGEST chocolate cake! It was Kazzo�s birthday and it was a big birthday, with an �0� at the end of it and everything and as Ive known her for 25 years and she�d invited us to her birthday party, I kind of thought it might be an idea to give her a present of some sort. Oh, but what to give? I am about as poor as a person can get without actually living in a dwelling constructed of corrugated iron and bin bags but she is a special friend whom I love most dearly. I offered to make her a cake in lieu of a present and she said that would be nice. I asked her what sort of cake she�d like and she looked at her daughter and her daughter looked at her and in one voice they said �CHOCOLATE��.and then I asked her how many people were coming to the party and she said ��umm�about 100�.
Ah.
Time to break out the BIG tins!
Several days of baking (I had to make the layers separately and store them in the freezer) and icing ( Armadillas
� I used a mixture of dark chocolate whipped ganache (for taste) and butter cream (for economy), beaten together) and really rather more chocolate than one person should be exposed to in, say, a LIFETIME, and this bakery behemoth was born
If you wanted to make one a bit like it, youll need (amongst other things) For the cake: 15 eggs, 3 packs of butter, a pound and a half of flour, and the same of sugar. And for the decoration and filling: a pound of dark chocolate, one and a half packs of butter, 2lbs icing sugar, nearly a pint of double cream, five packs of Cadbury chocolate fingers and about 10 big packs of assorted chocolate sweeties.
Oh, and a couple of sparklers that say �50�.
It measured 12�x12�x 4�, each slab of cake (there were 3) weighed 2lbs and there was NOT ONE MORSEL left over. It was my triumphantest cakey (or my cakiest triumph) EVER!
I wrote a joke, but I cant think of when I might be able to use it. An occasion might come up, but until it presents itself, I turn the joke loose in the pastures of the internet and you may admire it as it gambols about � hell, you may even put it to use yourself, should you so desire.
Of a person of low-brow tastes (particularly in foodstuffs): �He thinks �Pecorino� is what Ned Flanders calls his penis�
Heeheehee, I knock myself out.
When I have not been sniggering at my own hilariousness, I have been at the hospital, getting myself tattooed for the impending radiotherapy. That sounds much cooler than it is. They haven�t been adorning my virgin skin (shut UP!) with some rad ink, but rather adding a tiny dot of something pretty permanent that they can match up with their laser thingy when I start radiotherapy in a couple of weeks time and which will allow them to make sure that Im lying in exactly the same position every time. They did one sort of on my sternum (which bled quite a lot � more than you would think, fersure) and one just below each armpit (which hurt like a bastard). I now have no need for any more tattoos as I have three and that�s enough for me. I also now know that I do not EVER want to have a �proper� tattoo as I am bored with the ones Ive got already and would doubtless become similarly unenamoured of any more decorative attempts at adornment which involved needles and ink and going �OW! That HURT!�
Don�t get your armpit tattooed, boys and girls. I have a feeling it may be a bit ouchy.
(Brief hiatus while me and Jooj discuss the relative merits of getting a face tattooed on ones armpit so that one could let ones underarm hair grow through it and into a beard and hairdo, rather in the manner of those Iron Filings toys we had in the older days. Don�t know what theyre called. These:
Yeh, I know. We have too much time on our hands)
Speaking of Jooj, I have just had a letter from her fancy schmancy new school, letting me know that the fees I have to pay for next term are �58 instead of �4045. Yep. You read that right. Poverty, I salute thee! Thou lettest my kid go to private school, wherein she would surely not dwellest if we were not so skint and thou hadst not verily entitled us to a big fat bursary! Huzzah!
Maybe she will learn something there other than hypothesising over armpit beard tattoos, huh?