Miss Pig-Butt Face Returns!

2011-09-05, 11:00 p.m.
Friday

The last �official� day of my holidays (I�m not counting Saturday and Sunday as I wouldn�t be working those days anyway). The sun is shining and I just got paid. What shall I do with myself today? Well, dear readers, I think I shall stay in the house, wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday and not do anything at all except mope around. You see, the itchy red blotch-face of yesterday is gone (apart from a few Singing Detectivesque scaly patches), only to be replaced by a gigantic swollen moon of a visage! It�s back to its regular �face� colour, which is a definite improvement on the �nappy rash red� I was sporting yesterday, but OH the puffiness! It�s like someone inflated an elderly shar-pei. I�ve been called a wrinkly old dog before so I feel confident in using that comparison. Come! See the human water-balloon!

Needless to say, venturing abroad would have me hotly pursued by those wishing to form some kind of �Life of Joseph Carey Merrick� re-enactment society, I�m sure. And I�m not sure that so much as a glance at my face from Helios himself would exactly help matters, either, seeing as my skin is already as hot as the surface of the sun on a summer�s day and stretched as tightly as the white leggings of a fat chav. I fear the sunlight may cause me to spontaneously burst asunder, which I�m not sure would present any kind of improvement in my looks.

Needless to say, I will not be going out tonight, which is also a bit crap as the kids are at their dads and I could�ve got proper drunk and lairy.


Saturday

Face is only SLOWLY getting better. Obviously, I do look more of a Babe than I looked yesterday � unfortunately, the Babe I look like is this one:

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Seriously, you know when you�re doing a Christmas ham and you stud it with cloves? Well, when you�ve just put the first two cloves in � that�s my face. With clovey eyes.

How hot is skin supposed to be? I just pressed the thermometer against my fat red old moon face and it registered 35C/95F. That seems quite hot as the air temperature in my TV room is around 20C/68F.

The swelling�s gone down a bit now, but not enough for my mother to not screech JESUS H CHRIST when I saw her at lunch time. Yeh. Thanks mum. She also helpfully suggested I �ring the doctors�. Its Saturday, mum. They�ll be open again on, umm lemme see, MONDAY. Dad was trying to be a bit more sympathetic but he did fizzle out a bit after saying �You could go to A &E. Mind you, you usually have to wait three or four hours on a Saturday. And I don�t suppose you�d want to sit there that long, what with your face all�.and people looking�................I�m sure it�ll be better tomorrow, love�

I had to go out this morning to get groceries, which meant I was wandering around Lidl in big shades a la Bono, even though it was overcast and a bit drizzly. Nobody pointed out that I looked like a twat, which was kind of them. Perhaps that�s why Bono still does it. Nobody�s ever been quite so mean as to start the statement that goes �Oi! Hewson, you knobberrrrrrrrrrrr!�

Also wore the big shades for painting the signboard outside the workies, which was just about as incongruous as one can get. I needed my regular glasses to see what I was doing but didn�t want to put them on because of the moon/pig face, so I had my shades on instead. Couldn�t see a bloody thing and had to stand with my big hot fat face right up close to the board, which I�m sure helped the paint dry quicker but didn�t do much for my temper. Turning around and catching sight of L taking photographs of me �for the workies facebook page� didn�t do much for my temper either and I had a great big superstar �GIVE ME THAT CAMERA!! I SAID NO PICTURES!!� type strop. And then a little cry.

I�ve had a massive headache all day too


In my rush to share all things culinary with you last time, I forgot to tell you about doing the Open Mic night on Friday. L was running it because the bloke who usually does it was on holiday. It wasn�t the workies one, it was a proper one at a proper venue. Actually, the venue is SO proper that its just beaten Ronnie Scotts as THE jazz venue to be at in the UK.

So we got there and there were quite a few people there, but no matter how much we cajoled, they could not be persuaded to take part � they�d just come to see �the acts�. Trouble is, apart from me (vocals), L (guitars) and Tim (flute, soprano sax, alto sax) there were only two others willing to take part and they were BOTH sax players, both really nervous and both only had one song to do each.

This is the bit where I get to skip around with glee when nobody�s looking, as this meant that (as a singer) I had the WHOLE GIG TO MYSELF! I sang all night and I fucking well RAAAAWWWWWKKKKED! Three or four things made that even sweeter:

1. Without me, L and Tim would have been totally fucked. This is sweet because I am NOT ALLOWED to be in their band as �couples in bands always causes problems�. I am generously allowing them to explain just how much of their bacon I saved to the bloke who usually runs that open mic night (who is the 3rd member of their band)

2. L had a client in the audience and he wants me to record a vocal for a song he�s written

3. A lady came up to me afterwards and said �youre playing at my birthday party! Will you do those songs you just did?� L had to explain that its the band she�s hired and not me. Then he had to do a great big backtrack cos the lady said �oh but you WILL bring her as well wont you? I want her to sing at my party� and L had to pretend that I was deffo going with them to the party even tho he hadn�t even told me that he had a gig on that day and I�m not even in the band because IM NOT ALLOWED.

4. I sang, all night, in a TOP venue. This is a BIG THING for me. Like, a proper BIG THING.

5. L and Tim have to explain to the other bloke that the birthday lady has asked me to her party and is expecting me to sing.

Like I said, I fucking well ROCK. (a little bit)


I realised, far too late, that my last entry (the one with pictures of cookies and me moaning about my big fat face) was my 400th entry here. I cant help thinking I shouldve done something a bit more spectacular. Maybe one of those drink/sex/porn entries that I used to do so many of, or some kind of commemorative issue�possibly with a gatefold pullout, and some sort of giveaway. Yes! A giveaway! What would you like, dear readers? Tell me something you�d like and I�ll send the bestest, most achievable suggestion to you in the post. Honestly. I will. I�m good for it. Ask the bloke I sent the box of �chocolates that looked like poohs� to, or the nice lady who got new shorts for wearing to Glasto. Leave your suggestions in my comments and as soon as I get a good �un I�ll let you know. The only criteria are: mailable and achievable. So, no, you�re not getting a speedboat.


Oh! And I totally forgot to brag on Jooj getting a big fat free logo - http://www.sparklee.com in Film Studies GCSE, which doesn�t mean much (apart from that she knows what a tracking zoom is and argues CONSTANTLY about directorial intention and bollocks like that when we�re watching the telly). But still, I can brag on it if I like, especially as it was coupled with A* grades pretty much across the board for all the GCSE modules she did, too. (GCSEs come in chunks these days � you can take some bits of em one year and then some bits the next year if you like. Seems to work out OK in the end. Oh, and generally speaking, No, they ARENT getting easier. Theyre just different to what we did. I�ve seen both sides and I�m quite confident in saying they are �differently difficult�. The teaching methods are completely different these days, as is what theyre supposed to achieve at the end of it.)


Dear Dorset County Council

I just needed a picture of Weymouth beach to use in my pub quiz. There was no loss of revenue to you by letting me use it, in fact it might have persuaded one or two people to actually visit sodding Weymouth instead of going somewhere properly nice for their holidays. So there was no fucking need for your website to crash my Powerpoint presentation every time I tried to paste your photo into my Picture Round, was there? No.

And seeing as its Saturday night I doubt I would have got a very favourable response if I had sent your required �email for permission�, now would I?

Get over yourselves. Its WEYMOUTH not Juan les Pins, you fucking yokels.

Love Stepfie

PS Out of spite I used a picture of Weymouth in the pissing rain, which I found on another, more welcoming, website. It made Weymouth look shit. Ha.


1st day back at school today � no kids in, just a bit of training and timetables and stuff like that. Year 7s are in on Wednesday for orientation and then all hell breaks loose on Thursday. I shouldn�t have too busy a teaching week this week as pretty much every teacher will be in but I�m sure somebody will have gone sick with �stress� by next Monday morning. Lightweights.

And on that note, and because my school is TOTALLY like this. Yup, totally

later
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