School's IN!

2011-04-26, 10:23 p.m.
Hmm. Im pretty sure Im supposed to be telling you about L�s experience at the Falconry place and showing you little films of him with an eagle landing on his arm and all that kind of stuff but I am in a massive huff with him so he will just have to get his own damn blog if he wants people to know all about it and how much he looked like Dumbledore when there was a big ole owl sitting on him. He�s gone out (and appears to have taken all the punctuation with him�or at least all the commas) so he cant defend himself and I can tell you that he is a git without him getting all whiny and insisting that he isn�t, which he is.

And anyway, if you know him in real life then you would already know that his Fac3b00k updates are more like blog entries anyway so he can rattle on about falconry there and I can get on with my own stuff over here.

I went back to school today as the holidays are all finished but I ended up with a really dossy day so it wasn�t all bad. The Engineering course has finished so I don�t have to go down to Chigley College and try to smash into shape the essays of thirty 16 year olds who know plenty about engineering but fuck all about writing about it, so I was actually in school, kind of kicking back and studiously NOT going looking for any of my regular students who wouldn�t be expecting to see me on a Tuesday anyways as Tuesday is my college day and Im usually not there. I thought I was supposed to be helping Jimmy with his Geography Controlled Assessment but he was in PE for periods 1 and 2 so there was only one lesson before lunch by the time I caught up with him. As it was, he DID want some help and I showed him how to do a beach profile and explained how to graph the results and all that stuff, and that kind of stretched over into P4 (after lunch). I thought we would get it finished today but he said he had PE periods 5 & 6. I expressed some misgivings that someone would have PE periods 1 & 2 AND 5 & 6 and he explained (VERY patiently, as one would to someone who is a bit retarded. Or a teacher) that �period one and two is GCSE PE, Miss, and period five and six is CORE PE�. Basically, that just means that P 1 and 2 is PE that he studies for (with theory and rules and stuff about muscle groups etc etc) and P 5 & 6 is just running about in the sports hall with his mates while a bored teacher tries to pretend that there�s some educational merit in a hybrid game of basket/foot/bench ball where a gang of teenage boys kick lumps out of each other.

So, I guess what Im trying to say is that I had four free periods today, which is pretty much unheard of. I did go and talk to my boss and ask what he wants me to do now on Tuesdays as Im not being the Queen of Engineering Essays and he said he�d think of something, which is always ominous and usually involves Lots Of Maths as nobody else likes doing it. Actually I don�t like doing it either, but Im kind of OK at maths and the others are rubbish and some will actually refuse to do it so I usually get lumbered.

Went back to see him during P6 and he gave me a cracking good job to do! We have a year11 girl who is a bit wayward � she lives in a children�s home and every day is a battle of wills to see if she will actually come into school or not. Mostly at the moment its �Not�. Trouble is, she has her GCSEs in a couple of weeks so she really needs to get some work done. Ive already been working with her on a one to one basis for Geography and Maths but I haven�t seen her for six or seven weeks at least. And now my boss has decided that it would be easier if I just went to the childrens home a couple of times a week and taught her there! Obviously this is great for me as I get to spend two half days out of school with a girl I quite like, finding new and exciting ways to engage her with educational processes before its too bloody late�but I cant help hearing that nagging little voice in my head which is saying �but�ummm�you�re not ACK-chew-LY a teacher, tho, are you? And yet you�re doing a teacher�s job. But not for teacher�s pay. Hmmmmm�����

Also, I cant help feeling that it might somehow turn out to be my fault if she fails all her exams.

My boss has already suggested that, if she doesn�t turn up on exam days, that I may have to go and get her. That�s kind of fine, too, as I do genuinely want her to do well, but the children�s home is in the next town and isn�t exactly going to be a breeze for me if Im up and down the bloody motorway every five minutes. Someone comment and tell me its not the double edged sword that Im starting to think it is, willya? Anna! Im looking at you! Stop hiding behind your crochet and tell me some sage and teachery words of wisdom!

In other news, we have a fancy dress party to go to on Saturday which is a �70s Glam Rock� Night. Jooj is Ziggy Stardust (Ive made the jacket and we bought facepaints), Treacle is the blonde one out of Abba (turquoise shiny fabric all cut out on the dining table�.but not actually sewed up yet), L is Roy Wood from Wizzard (more face paint!) and me��������������������.umm�����..

The mid 70s had NO glamorous female glamrock icons that I can easily copy at a couple of days notice. NOT ONE. I am torn, dear readers, between some kind of Bay City Rollers fan tribute thingy, with the tartan trimmings and the stripy socks. Im depressing myself just thinking about that one. Or�.and it�s a BIG or�I don Jooj�s roller boots and work the roller disco vibe, with satin shorts and a headband. There are fairly major drawbacks with that one, too, if Im honest. The main one being that I think, at 44 and a half, that Im really a bit old for satin shorts and a bit too likely to break bones if when I fall off the bloody skates. Any helpful suggestions gratefully received on this. Unhelpful suggestions can go and fuck off.

We had a very nice Easter party, with very nice food and a very nice Easter tree and very nice Venus and David costumes but I cant show you the pictures because the bloody laptop is being pissy and wont open photobucket. This means there is now a long and varied list of �things in my life that are a bit knackered�. Whilst this list isnt exhaustive, we are soon going to run out of things that are actually working to full capacity and don�t require maintenance/replacement/a trip to the tip, as it currently stands at:

My car
The tumble dryer
The freezer (just the ice maker thingy)
The fridge (just the fizzy water thingy)
The dishwasher (the pump. A bloke is coming to fix it. Allegedly)
The DVD player
The laptop
The internet � ironically, our Virgin box is fucked

If I am not in such a mood with L, and the photobucket thingy isn�t making me want to stab myself I will show you the falconry and the Easter tree and Venus and David and all that stuff next time, m�kay. By then there might also be some pictures of me really hurting myself at a fancy dress party wearing ill-advised roller boots, too, if you�re lucky!

Until then, and because I remembered something that Anna said when I started working at the school, which was along the lines of �write it all down, for future soap opera/novel�, I present to you the first of many in the series:

Dumbass Things My Students Say

Miss, I don�t mean to be rude, but how old are you?
Its not a secret. Im 44.
Hmm. How old were you when you had your kids, Miss?
Umm, 29 when I had Jooj and 33 when I had Treacle.
Is that quite old or quite young to have kids, Miss?
Umm, I guess most people these days start having kids in their mid to late 20s I think. So I suppose Im maybe a little bit late. I don�t know. Why?
Well, see, I was talking to Aaron and he said his grandad�s 82. My GREAT grandad�s only 80. And you had a baby when you were 33 and my mum�s 34, but your oldest daughter�s only a year younger than me. I think what Im trying to work out, Miss, is: Have I missed a generation somewhere, or is my mum just a slag?

later
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