Arse Gravy! And lots of it!

2011-02-08, 9:36 p.m.
Just for once, my protracted absence isn�t anything to do with being a lazy moo and faffing about at home, swigging whisky outta the bottle and singing along to the radio. No, dear friends, I have been shockingly neglectful due to the fact that we have had NO INTERNET for nearly two weeks!

We're changing 'Communication Services' providers at home and of course, the new provider didn�t let us know that there would be a delay on our installation until AFTER we'd cancelled the old service. And the old provider (when we asked them if they could connect us back up) told us that they needed 14 days to connect our service...even tho they hadn�t actually cancelled us yet, we were just scheduled to be cancelled! Can you believe that? They couldn�t reconnect something they hadn�t actually disconnected yet!

L has been dealing with the whole 'changing provider' thing as part of my New Years Resolution to 'not be such a bitch to L and to recognise that, at 48 years of age, there might occasionally be things he can do all by himself'. Also, this has meant that he can spend an inordinate amount of time in various electrical retail outlets, 'researching' new tellys. So far, his 'research' seems to be devoted to measuring and remeasuring the TV room - presumably in the hope that the room has somehow grown overnight and is now large enough to accommodate a screen more usually seen at a stadium gig. He's found something that he's keen on and dragged me a long to Comet to have a look at it. It was a telly. I can�t tell you much more than that about it apart from that it�s HD, which seems to mean that, at some time in the future, I will be able to see EXACTLY how bad Sally Taylor's skin is, when I�m watching South Today. To be honest, I�m not sure how I really feel about that.

I�m sure she�s a lovely woman and all that but, well, I saw her on the escalator in Marksies one day and she looked Dog Rough. Anchorwomen in the US don�t look like their face is made of brisket smeared with Dream Matt Mousse.


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On our first 'internetless day' I got home from work to find L absolutely distraught. "We've got no internet until NEXT MONDAAAAAAAAY!" he wailed, his hair swooshing about his head in a great anguished cloud. Even though we'd had no internet for only about an hour at that point, he was already pacing around the conservatory in a distinctly agitated style - nothing like his usual Shaggy-out-of-Scooby-Doo/Frank-from-Shameless loping amble.

I tried pointing out to him that he had, once, been without internet for around 35 years but this didn�t seem to be cutting any ice whatsoever.


*brief pause while my younger readers contemplate a world without internet* Horrific isn�t it! Checking one's bank balance involved actually GOING to the bank (make sure you arrive before 3pm tho, as they shut at 3 on weekdays and don�t open at all on Saturdays!) and finding out STUFF involved boring trips to the library and a rudimentary knowledge of the dewey decimal system, not just a quick bit of googling and cut-and-paste. Remarkable that old farts like us ever managed to learn ANYTHING at all, to be honest, bearing in mind what a laborious process the pursuit of knowledge was. Anyway, that�s my excuse and I�m sticking to it.


I was pretty much convinced that being without internet wouldn�t be too much of a problem for me - I can check emails on the school computers and I didn�t think I'd need much else. Except I did. It�s not until you don�t have it any more that you really want something � like long hair, or a rich boyfriend. At least once a day while we�ve been net-less, I�ve said �Oooh, I�ll just upload those phot�bugger�, �Really, dad? You�re paying that much for you car insurance? Let me just have a look on the interne�.Bugger�, *sigh* �I�m bored��.I know! LOLCATS!......oh BUGGER�. Believe me, dear readers, a huge amount of buggeration has gone on in our house over the last couple of weeks�.and yes, I am aware just how that sounds.


Do Americans use the expression �bugger� to mean �damn it�? And do they use �stupid bugger� to mean �foolish fellow� like we do? Enlighten me, oh transatlantic cousins! I recall a gentleman of my acquaintance who hailed from Gulf Shores AL, telling me he could �swear in English� and then saying �You, you, you�..BLOODY BLOKE!�. Now, if I were to be truly partisan, I would say there�s nothing intrinsically WRONG with that statement��except it�s just�.umm�WRONG. I can�t explain why. It just is. Americans, don�t say that. It makes you sound daft. Say �bloody� and say �bloke��but not together.
Anyway, here�s our new telly

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Obviously we had to take down the side of the house to get it in and we have to sit so far back from it (if we don�t want to watch every programme like we�re watching tennis) that its best viewed from out in the hall. Of next door�s house.

I�ve been too scared to watch South Today. Ms Taylor�s big beef face in glorious HD is just too much for me to bear.

Obviously, with no porn to surf internet to educate me, I have had a bit of time on my hands. Time, not only to make Scotch Eggs, but time to tell y�all how to make them, too.

Here! Make some Scotch Eggs

I had to steal the picture of the �finished article� because I was so busy eating my scotch eggs and saying �God, these scotch eggs are fantastic� and spraying crumbs and bits of sausage meat everywhere that I forgot to take a picture of them on my plate at dinner time. If you need better instructions (than a couple of words on a slideshow), do email me or note me or something and I�ll oblige.

Other stuff I�ve been doing, in no particular order, has included another Open Mic night, so here�s a blurry picture of me, singing �Walking in Memphis�

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I�ve got a gig or two coming up, I think, but Im not getting my sparkly frock out of cold storage just yet, in case it doesn�t actually come to anything and I am consigned to forever singing for a few handfuls of old ladies who�ve come down for a sherry after the bingo and thirty or so drunks who are only ever happy when we�re doing something they can sing along to. Preferably Mustang Sally.

I�ve also been marvelling at the ability of pigeons to crap on ANY surface, no matter inaccessible or number of degrees off the horizontal. Yep, laydeeeeez an� jennlemen, Its not a petrol cap, it�s a Vertical Pigeon-Shit Target!

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Good Shot, eh what?!

On Sunday, we even went to the beach

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even tho it wasn�t really beach weather

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a concept which appears to have escaped these mad bastards

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HM Coastguard Search and Rescue were out on manoeuvres, although I cant help feeling it would have been quicker just to run down the path, lads? Look! Its right there! Just to your right�.!

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more soon, my little monkeeeees!

Later
S
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