Eat Stuff! (not you, Ivy, you fat cow)

2010-10-31, 3:17 p.m.
Hmm. Halloween, then.

I suppose it goes without saying that I was completely unable to just �cobble something together at the last moment� wrt Halloween and ended up spending the whole bastard day on Saturday sewing like a Chinese toddler in a Nike factory to fashion these rather fetching trousers for L to wear as part of his Joker costume

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and cutting up bits of (surprisingly hot and sweaty) green jersey fabric to make myself a corresponding Poison Ivy costume (no photo of that). Alas, in true Ivy style, the costume did actually make me look like I had devoured a house, to the extent that the diet that I thought was going so successfully has now been stepped up a notch or three! Oh, and I spent money-I-don�t-have on a wig, too, natch. It is bright red and doesn�t suit me AT ALL. The bloke judging the fancy dress part of the evening thought I was supposed to be Princess Fiona from Shrek, thus underlining the �I think this costume makes me look a bit lumpen� feelings I was already having. Luckily, this did not stop him giving me 1st Prize in the �Adult Ladies� competition, which was a bottle of whisky. HOORAH!

Whilst divesting the camera of all its photographic loveliness this morning, I found most of the pictures which weren�t pictures of me looking like a big fat green thing in a red wig, were pictures of food (Hmm, some correlation there, no?) so I thought best to shove them all on here in a big fat foodie entry. Happy cooking Bs & Gs!

Filo Parcels

If you haven�t used filo pastry before, don�t be scared! Before you start, get a couple of clean tea towels and run them under the cold tap. Wring them out so they�re just damp. Lay one on your countertop to work on and use the other to lightly wrap the pastry that you aren�t using, so that it doesn�t dry out (the darker blue one is wrapped round the pastry in my slideshow). Melt some butter in the microwave or in a small pan on the stove and keep it (and a pastry brush!) close to hand. Unroll the pastry from its pack � don�t worry too much about little rips or creases � you can easily �glue� the pastry back together with a bit of melted butter.

I used some flavoured couscous (lemon and coriander) mixed with cooked spinach, in my parcels, but you can use any kind of cooked vegetable/meat/cheese mixture. Savoury rice is pretty good, so is well spiced potato and cheese. It�s a pretty good way to use up a dollop of leftover chilli or curry � especially if there isn�t really enough left for a �proper� meal. Dried fruit/stewed apple/coconut etc are yummy if you fancy a sweet pastry. I wouldn�t use raw fillings though, as the parcels are only in the oven for a short time and the filling might not cook through in time.

All you need to remember really, is to paint everything with melted butter as you fold � there wasn�t room to mention it on the slideshow but when you�ve put your spoonful of filling in the corner of your folded sheet, paint the rest of the strip with butter before you start doing the diagonal folds. The melted butter will make your finished pastries crispy and golden, not enough butter and they can be a bit dry and �papery�. Enjoy!

Frosted Glasses

Whip up an egg white until it�s a bit bubbly (but not meringuey or anything clever like that). In a saucer, mix equal parts sugar (regular white or Demerara) and edible glitter.

Dip the rim of the glass first into the egg white and then into the glitter/sugar mix. Leave to dry for an hour or so. Et Voila!

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annanotbob asked me how I make my Dauphinoise Potatoes so here�s my recipe. Actually its Robert Carrier�s recipe but as Ive added way more cheese and cream than he suggests, its actually MY recipe now! Because we are very grown up in our family, they are generally also known as Dolphin Nose Potatoes. You may make up your own juvenile soubriquet if you choose.

Serves 4 fat pigs or 6/8 normal people.

Take two pound of large-ish new potatoes, peel and slice thinly (lengthwise if your potatoes are a bit �tubular�.). Bung all the slices in a bowl of cold water while you get everything else ready. Mr Carrier says �8 tablespoons, grated Gruyere cheese, 4 tablespoons grated parmesan, � pint of double cream� but I find I need pretty much double that. This may be because he is wrong, or it may be because I am very greedy for cheese and cream.

Drain the potatoes and dry them off in a tea towel. Place a layer of potatoes in the bottom of an ovenproof dish, in overlapping rows. Sprinkle with a mixture of the cheese and pour over a thin layer of cream. Season with salt and pepper and then add another layer of potatoes, cheese and cream. Continue like this until all the potatoes are used up and finish with a good sprinkle of cheese and another decent drizzle of cream. Dot the top with butter and bake in a low oven (180�C/350�F/Gas Mark 3) for a good hour to hour and a half until the potatoes are cooked through. You should be able to tell that they�re cooked by sliding a sharp knife through the centre. If the top is getting a bit brown while they�re cooking, cover the dish with a piece of foil.

When they�re cooked, I usually take them out of the oven and leave them to sit for a bit as it they kind of �firm up� a bit and suck up any remaining dregs of cream lurking about in the dish. Often I�ll make them in the morning and leave them to cool before reheating in the evening for dinner as they do seem to benefit from a little rest! They should look something like this:

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and on an entirely separate note:

Because nothing says �How does it feel to be 50, Sissy?� like a huge firework going off in your face when you are just expecting to have to blow out an innocuous looking birthday cake candle. The expression on her face does not, I feel, indicate that she has (very) recently said �FUCKING HELL! I NEARLY LOST MY BASTARD EYEBROWS THERE!�

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Surveying my shopping receipts I was uncommonly amused to find that I had not only purchased a pair of fresh cheese balls, but also a blended cheese ass. Im all about the cheese body parts, me.

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Open Mic night tonight. I am supposed to be playing the harmonica. I have not practiced even one little bit so Im off to do that now

SUCKBLOWSUCKSUCKBLOWBLOWBLOWSUCKSUCKBLOWWWWWWWW

Later
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