This may, in part, be due to me managing (thus far) to stick to a healthy eating plan. Of course, in this context �healthy eating plan� means �Lay off the booze, you fat bitch�and Oi! Put that cake back!�. My trousers are already starting to feel a bit looser and L has said he can see a definite difference. This is nonsense, of course, but it did get him a fuck so no harm done.
Also, I seem to have some kind of renewed vigour � this may be due to there only being 5 days til I start my new job, so I do have a bit of the �last chance saloon� feeling going on. Ive accomplished more in the last couple of days than Ive done the whole summer � and that includes time spend teaching crazy old ladies how to do positive visualisation and explaining the cycle of stress (that�s not a kind of bike, before you ask!).
Bearing in mind that its Wednesday evening as Im typing this bit, this is some of the stuff Ive managed to do this week:
Do a proper grocery shop that didn�t just consist of whisky, pasta and joint snacks. Oh, and then, taking advantage of some coupons that I�d been given, drove to another grocery store to stock up on frozen stuff like chicken breasts and smoked haddock. And I promise only ONE box of Findus crispy pancakes. I swear they are just crack cocaine in pancake shape � I hate myself for wanting them, I tell myself its going to be the last time, the inevitable comedown after Ive eaten them when I feel wretched and chavvy and betraying my nice middleclass upbringing, I hide them so nobody will know Ive got them � hell, I even hid them under a bag of virtuous sliced leeks when they were on the checkout conveyor, lest other shoppers should see them and judge me for the filthy pancake whore that I am. Oh, and yes, they ARE the chicken curry ones. My shame is complete.
Also, on the same shopping expedition, I went into the enormous �International Supermarket� which is where Woolworths used to be and just lovingly stroked all the huge packets of gorgeous curry spices and freaky looking vegetables and strange bags of wrinkly�things from which one can obviously make something gorgeously edible if you are a Johnny Foreigner. I must Must MUST take Sissy in there next time she�s visiting as she will surely know what EVERYTHING is and how to cook it. I contented myself with some swooning (and a bottle of rosewater, which is astonishingly expensive in Waitrose but jolly cheap if you don�t mind it being in a bottle with completely incomprehensible writing on the label. I know that it is rosewater as someone had helpfully written �roseswater� in biro on a piece of cardboard and jammed it in the front of the display. Also there�s a big picture of a crudely drawn rose on the label. Oh, and I tasted it when I got home and it is deffo rosewater. Essential for all sorts of cocktail, including superdelicious Bombay Sapphire Cupids (not that I have ANY of the other ingredients I would need�oh, hang on, we DO have champagne�but none of the rest. Meh).
Finally got around to cleaning my car. Did the boot first as it had been a while since it had last been done. I know that it had been a while as the boot was full of photoshoot props from Twat Inc (Yeh. I left there in May 09. Yep, OH. NINE.), which were covered in a layer of training course shite from the Crazy Lady Corp (which I left in May THIS year). By the time I�d repatriated all that stuff I could actually see the stuff which was supposed to be in the boot, like the tool kit and the torch and the funny little triangle thing that tells people that you have broken down (as if plumes of smoke from your open bonnet weren�t enough). Oh, and there was also one of those Life Hammer thingies, which you are supposed to use to cut your safety belt and smash the window if you are trapped in the car after a smash-up. Im not sure that the boot was the best place for that so Ive moved it into the front. Helpfully, it has a little holder with a sticky pad for attaching it to a flat surface somewhere where you could reach it. Unhelpfully, my car has no such flat surface within arms reach of the drivers seat so I have had to pop it in the cup holder thingy and hope to god that I remember where I put it should the need arise. I can imagine scrabbling around in the glove box while the flames lick around me, going �Its in here somewhere, Im sure�.is that..? No, it�s a Bananarama CD�How about�.? Nope. Just some of those little pots of curry sauce that I have nicked from MacDonalds in case I bought chips and nothing to dip them in. A pen that doesn�t work�.An MOT certificate from 2006�..a locking wheel nut (so THAT�S what that clonking noise was!)�..Ah, I appear to be dead.�
Once I�d done the boot I did those little cubby holes in the doors which are exactly the right size for sweetie wrappers and crisp bags and apple cores and Magnum sticks and all manner of slightly sticky, unpleasant crap that I don�t remember eating. That�s the trouble with doing a job that involves being out and about in the car for big chunks of the day � you tend to eat rubbish that can be bought from a service station and eaten with one hand. Couscous doesn�t feature too highly. Nor corn on the cob. There�s a whole load of stuff you cant eat in the car: anything with flaky pastry is pretty much a no-no, ditto egg mayonnaise, prawn cocktail, crusty bread, a cone of chips that are so hot that you need one of those little wooden two-prong forks (never Never NEVER attempt to clasp the cone between the thighs whilst driving. Apart from the obvious grease stains on your work skirt and third degree burns to the inner thigh, the fucking thing will tip over at the first roundabout and chips will go EVERYWHERE and you WILL stamp on at least five every time you put your foot on the brake.) Obviously I could put a cone of chips in the little cupholder thingy but now that�s full of Life Hammer and associated stick-on caddy so I may have to just empty the chips out directly onto the passenger seat and grope wildly for them (whilst keeping my eyes on the road, natch). If this seems cavalier, I would respectfully point out that this option would STILL make less mess than tipping the fuckers over during the thigh-clutch-roundabout manoeuvre.
After the boot and the cubby holes, the outside was a cinch. Bucket, Sponge, Turtle Wax bishbashbosh, all done. Ive also solved the problem of the leaking seal around the rear light which meant that the entire unit filled up with water if there was a prolongued period of rain. I have drilled a tiny hole in the bottom of the unit. The rain still gets in�.but now it can get out again, too!
Yesterday afternoon I told L that he couldn�t come into the house to use the loo as I was �cleaning the downstairs bathroom� and that he�d have to use the loo in the studio.
Of course, �cleaning the downstairs bathroom� actually meant �retiling the floor of the downstairs bathroom� but he didn�t need to know that until I was putting the old, smelly carpet and the tile trimmings in the dustbin. They were the cheapest tiles (less than a tenner for the whole job!) I could find but it still looks pretty much OK and, more importantly, the downstairs bathroom now doesn�t smell faintly of wee. I have chalked a notice on the chalkboard �have YOU weed on the floor? Check and wipe!� like one of those wartime �careless talk costs lives� accusatory posters. So far, nobody appears to have weed on the floor�.but then, nobody has come home drunk yet either.
Off to get the �new job haircut� tomorrow morning. Jooj is coming with me as she does SO desperately need a fringe trim. I KNOW that emofringes must be overlong and sweeping but, really, you DO need to be able to see SOMETHING, girlfriend! Despite a thousand (3) trips to the shops, we have had no success in finding any school trousers that fit her, so she will be working the Manga miniskirt and kneesocks look for at least the first few weeks of term.
Treacle has a party to go to on Friday and it�s a �hairdo party�. Im not sure what that means but I suspect that the nit infestation that we have just gotten rid of will be back with a vengeance before the weekend. Do you think the host mummie would be OK with me sending a couple of bottles of FullMarks as a birthday gift for her little darling?
later
s
x
PS *gasp* I forgot to tell you! I gots me some MSN! Jooj fixed it up for me so now I can do chatting and stuff like that.....except I only have one friend. And its Jooj. Oh, and I got an extra email address because the one I used to use for my diaryland stuff is really stupid and hides emails that it doesnt want me to see (*waves to Mandy who thought I had the hump with her but I just hadnt gotten ANY of her emails!*) so if you've emailed me via diaryland and I havent replied then I probably didnt get whatever you sent. Have another go - it'll go to my shiny NEW email address and I'll reply INSTANTLY!
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