Lets add insult to injury of the soon-to-be-pooping-through-the-eye-of-a-needle by forcing their last meals to be filed with things they would never normally eat. Last night I dined like..umm..well, like one of those people I like to point and laugh at on shows like Freaky Eaters. Boiled chicken, mashed potato����no, that was it.
Later in the evening I also had some bread and butter. That sounds OK until you consider that I usually make my own bread but, so mindful was I that my bread actually contains nutrients, I went out and bought a white sliced loaf. To say its been a while, ladies and gents, would be an understatement. I had forgotten how it compresses itself into a solid, dense mass when pressed with a knifeful of butter. I'd forgotten how it sticks to the roof of ones mouth and how, no matter how much you chew, it remains one sticky (yet dry) claggy tasteless clod in your mouth. I gave some to Jooj. As she is a pig, she ate it. I watched her face as she turned back to the telly and munched. After a few moments, her expression changed from one of bovine cud-chewing contentment to confusion and ill-disguised mistrust. "It sticks to my brace," she said "and it doesn�t even taste like bread. Even daddy wouldn�t eat this."
In a pathetic attempt to make today even more of a barrel o' laughs, I shall be conducting a scientific experiment under laboratory conditions (ie I wiped the worst of the dust of the bathroom scales) to see whether not eating, combined with weapons-grade laxatives really DOES make you lose weight. You may care to skip this bit if you are:
a) of a nervous disposition
b) not clever enough to take in all the truly groundbreaking nutritional and dietary research being done
7.00am 154lbs. There. I said it. How funny that THAT was the bit I was most dreading telling you. Im Ok with telling you that Im gonna captain the All England Pooing Team for the next couple of days�.but I didn�t want to say I was 11 stone. I am pathetic.
8.00 2 slices disgusting flabby white bread, toasted, 2 cups coffee. The instructions say "eat a good breakfast�.from the permitted list" As I couldn�t face any more boiled chicken I thought toast was probably the only option. 155lbs
8.10 poop 154 lbs
8.30 Do the school run. Go to Waitr0se for bubble bath and consomm�. (Clear soup being the only 'food' I am allowed today, earlier 'breakfast' notwithstanding)
9.00 155lbs. Huh?
First new scientifical hypothesis of the day:
The school run makes you fat. This explains the heifers that I see hanging about outside the school gates, waiting for little Meriva and Lambrini to finish their education for the day. I only do the school run once in a blue moon so that is why I am not waddling through the streets of Chigley in stained leggings and an implausible knock-off Playboy Bunny t-shirt looking like a narwhal trying to assimilate itself unnoticed into human society. It also explains a lot of the Mum-Guilt that I carry around with me but then that hardly weighs an ounce. *ahem*
Alternative first new scientifical hypothesis of the day
Standing about in Waitr0se looking at the cakes makes you fat. We've all heard people whining "Oooh, I only have to LOOK at a cake and I put on half a stone!". Well, now we know it to be true. I paused briefly at the patisserie section, barely wafted my gaze over a custard slice and yet, WHAM! there's another pound gone on. God knows what would've happened had I lingered too long in the gateaux aisle � that Nike narwhal would've been squeezing through the checkouts quicker than you could say "Keep back, fellas, she could blow at any second! I saw her loitering with intent to stare at the fondant fancies! There's another half pound or so to squeeze into those trousers before she makes it to the carpark, that's fersure!"
This also proves that skin is a semi-permeable membrane through which subatomic particles of castor sugar, butter and jam may pass by osmosis.
9.05 Had a bath
9.35 154lbs
Second new scientifical hypothesis of the day
Skin is NOT a semi permeable membrane through which water may pass by osmosis. Either the subatomic cake particles that I absorbed earlier leaked back out again or I rubbed off a WHOLE POUND of skin with one of those scrunchie net things that looks like it once contained onions. I could, of course, have had a swig of the bathwater to see if it tasted of cinnamon Danish (thus proving the cake thing) but that would have just been gross, especially bearing in mind that there was a good chance that I just REALLY needed a bath.
10.00 � 11.45 Three or four more cups of coffee
11.45 really big wee. Like a horse would do. 154lbs.
I would like to point out at this juncture that I have yet to take the first sachet of Picolax so this is really just a sort of 'run up' to the main event wherein the total evisceration of my body from neck to nether-regions takes place with alarming speed and ever increasing amounts of horror, wonder and poo-jokes.
12.20 Waitr0se beef consomme tastes like alcoholic Bovril. Ate (drunk?) a whole can of the stuff. *shudder*. 154lbs
12.21 Really big wee. 154lbs
Third scientifical hypothesis of the day
Coffee clearly does NOT make you retain water (as 'healthy' types will doubtless tell you, the miserable toads). I have drunk five big mugs of it today and have deffo peed away the equivalent in pee. I kind of wish I had one of those giant floor-standing measuring beaker thingies that they sometimes have on science programmes on the telly. Actually, no I don�t.
2.00 First sachet of Picolax taken (plus a pint of water). 154lbs
4.30 I had a little sleep � not much of one, more a 'fitful doze' really. Cup of tea. Two big glasses of water. My stomach is as round as a watermelon. I feel queasy and headachey.155lbs.
6.00 Waitr0se chicken consomm�. Just as nasty as the beef, dear readers. While I ploughed through it, Jooj, Treac and L sat in the conservatory, snarfing down pasta and Bolognese sauce. Then they had big bowls of icecream. Two flavours. 156lbs. Bearing in mind what is coming OUT of my body, I am more than a little surprised that I appear to have GAINED two pounds. Must try harder. I have heard of supermodels who live on Exlax and Vittel. After following pretty much that routine for most of a day now, I can tell you that it sucks. Im tired and lightheaded, my face is grey, Im cold and miserable. No wonder supermodels never smile.
8.00 Second sachet of Picolax and (for a change!) two big mugs of peppermint tea. Still 156lbs.
My mother called me today, having phoned my office and being told I was on holiday. Believe me, a holiday would have to really go some to be as god-awful as THIS�.although, I have BEEN to the Isle of Wight so I am aware that its not actually beyond the realms of possibility.
I have also (when not 'otherwise engaged', obviously) read one of the Young Bond books this afternoon. It�s a kids book, it�s a spy book, it�s an action adventure book. Im not keen on any of those things but it was pretty much OK. I would recommend it to you (or to your 12 year old sons perhaps) if I could remember what it was called. By Royal Command, maybe? Something like that.
10.00 Cup of black tea and a big glass of water. This isn�t even funny anymore. Im going to bed. 156lbs
6.00am (Wednesday) Third sachet of Picolax, two glasses of water and straight back to bed. 152lbs. In the night, 4lbs of something has disappeared from my body. Check sheets��count limbs��nope, all seems to be well. More sleep please.
10.00am Wake up, shower, glass of water. 151lbs
10.30 149lbs! Every joint in my body aches. I feel shaky, grumpy and exhausted. Still, 5lbs lighter, girls, FIVE POUNDS lighter!!!!.............................. D'you know what? If there is anyone reading this and even having the passing thought of "Oooh, laxatives�I hadn�t thought of that!" I am personally going to come round to your house and kick your stupid head in. I'd also point out that I have not documented EVERY visit to the lavatory�in fact, Ive probably only mentioned 1 in 10. NOT FUN.
I'll be leaving for the hospital in a couple of hours so this is probably the last bit that I'll write today. Im starting to think about what I'll eat tonight � my first 'proper' meal since Sunday. I just cant decide! Funnily enough, I thought that I would want chips and a pie and a cake and some milkshake and a bar of chocolate and half a bottle of whisky and some jam roly-poly and custard and a Filet-o-fish. But I don�t. I'd like some steamed vegetables, maybe a piece of salmon, a jacket potato perhaps. I think as a weight-loss 'experiment' its not been a barrel o' laughs, but maybe I have unwittingly de-toxed myself at the same time? Im pretty sure it�s a temporary glitch in my otherwise terminal gluttony but I think I'll try and roll with it for as long as it lasts�who knows? Might do me some good!
Later
S
X
PS as I said to smashthegas last night on the phone, if they let me bring the pictures home I'll post 'em for you, if you like��.No?......Oh, please yourselves.