So afeared of me loyal to me, are my most splendid peons, namely Slaveboy and a lovely new marketing bunny who shall go by the name of Posh Skinny Bird (or PSB as its easier to type), that I was able to persuade them on Friday to suck one of those enormous multivitamin fizzers that one usually dissolves into a glass of water to make a fizzy vitamin drink. Slaveboy went first, swiftly followed by PSB. Within seconds, Slaveboy looked like a rabid dog, with tangerine foam forcing its way out of his mouth. This, and my laughter, caused PSB to snort the same kind of foamy fizzy orangey goo out of her nose, much to my further hilarity. In the interests of gaining a full set of results for this experiment, Slaveboy took a swig of water and opened his mouth slightly. You know on sit coms where someone opens the door of a washing machine and extraordinary amounts of foamy suds flood the kitchen? Yeh well, it was that. But orange. Not to be outdone, PSB balanced her fizzer on the end of her tongue and stuck her tongue right out to see if we could actually hear the fizzing. We could.
I was truly astounded that a) they had done it in the first place and b) that they had done it with such good humour, that it would have been churlish of me not to have one myself. I lasted about five seconds before spitting it into the bin. It tasted fucking foul and had a weird burney sensation to it.
Nevertheless, they cheered me right up and have climbed so high in my estimations as to have negated any mean things I was considering doing to them over the next few weeks. Hell, I might even do some of my own filing. Needless to say, slices of apple strudel were bought and distributed at lunchtime. Im not a totally crap boss.
Tomorrow I have to travel up to Birmingham (sadly not the AL sort. Just the WM sort. *sigh*) for an evening conference. I also have to give a presentation, which I have yet to write. Bizarrely, the presentation is on a product that we provide that just DOESN�T work. I have to stand up and say that its totally crap and WHY its totally crap. With examples. Just when everyone starts to think that its some kind of wind-up, my guv will take over, demonstrating the new-and-improved product that we are about to launch and thus making it seem totally sublime against what has gone before. This *should* mean that the punters wont notice that they are about to get massively reduced revenue from using this product. You see, during MY presentation, I will have glossed over the bit where I confirm that the punters have been ripping us off for the last five years and we have finally worked out a way to stop them doing it.
If I get out of the room alive (which is still hanging in the balance at the mo), my expense account is gonna take such a hammering it wont know what�s hit it. I wish I liked steak, cos I�d be ordering one of them BIIIIIG mofus for supper. Actually, I might have one anyway and then only eat the side salad. (and a ginormous pudding, obviously). I never never NEVER used to abuse my expenses but I have seen such shameless profiteering on the expense claims of my co-workers (some of whom are company directors and should know better) that I have stopped ordering the cheapest thing on the menu at dinner � ie the thing that I would have had if I had had to pay for it MYSELF � and put in receipts for every single item I purchase��.even if I end up not using it and take it home instead. If that seems a bit like�.umm�thieving, then I present the co-worker (who doesn�t drink) who�s expenses ALWAYS includes two dinners and several bottles of wine as he takes his wife with him on just about every trip he goes on, and a director who charged the company for a ten foot tall Christmas tree for his house AND got a company lackey to collect it in a company truck and set it up in his hallway on company time. Somehow, me having a starter AND a main course just doesn�t seem so bad now, does it!
In a couple of weeks time, I will be in London at an exhibition which starts at three in the morning. Yup. THREE. In the MORNING.
I gotta get another job.
ALMOST managed to convince Treacle that Cappuccino Ice-cream contained real capuchins (or if you prefer, Capuchins ). Actually, as it has bizarre long-grain-rice shaped bits of chocolate in it, �rat shit ice-cream� is more accurate in terms of visuals. Anyway, its delicious. And not a bit like ratshit. Or capuchins. Which are better slow roasted, or barbecued if the weather�s nice.
Jooj came back from Florida with a funny little red mark on her tummy. Possibly a mosquito bite or something similar. Over the course of the last week, it mutated and grew so large as to make even a mummy as splendid as me shriek �Fucking hell what IS that?� On Friday night it had grown so big and was weeping so profusely, that we had to fashion a dressing for it before we could go out, as the sap it was oozing was soaking through her t-shirt. I said �dressing� in a competent �I have a full and useful medicine chest� way, didn't I? What I actually meant was �I had nothing with which to cover and contain the suppurating sore and eventually resorted in constructing a Blue Peteresque Field Hospital Dressing from a piece of sanitary towel (WWWWwwOAAH Bodyform!) and some micropore�. Oh yeh. Jooj said she would kill me if I told anyone about that, so Ssssh, yeh? Never utter the words �wore a sanny as a plaster� in her earshot, there�s good chaps. Down to the jolly old Walk-In Centre on Saturday morning where a very amusing nurse took one look at it and said �Yuk. Impetigo. Here�s some antibiotics.�
Since Saturday morning, two more (mercifully smaller!) patches have broken out on her upper arm but she�s taking her medicine like a good girl and she gets a day off school tomorrow � when it was confined to her tummy I�d resolved to send her in, as its only passed on by direct contact and generally speaking you don�t tend to rub your tummy on people during the course of your general secondary education (well, not in Year 7, anyway), but now its on her arm as well, I don�t want her to be in the yearbook as �Girl Who Gave the Whole School an Unsightly Skin Affliction�, so she�s staying home until it can be contained. I say �staying home�, but I do obviously mean �going to Shagnasty�s cos I don�t want to fucking well catch it�.
SuperMum, I am.