I noticed it first, as a tiny ball of "What If", right after he asked me to marry him. It choked the words I wanted to say and pushed them back down inside me. Each congratulation, each good wish, each card covered with teddies and champagne glasses and doves made it grow bigger and bigger.
Ive got so much I want to say to him but each little word catches on the spines. The spines snag the words. They shred them and tear them and pierce them through, until there�s only "I�." and "You�" and "If�" left.
I know loads of words. Words are my friends. I love the sound of them, their derivatives and origins, the way they fit in my mouth. I like to choose the right ones � in my mouth they�re as smooth and cool as a pebble. But my words arent like that today. They�re hard and jagged and scratching against my teeth. Or they�re so tiny, so helpless, that even the slightest whisper cant make them come out of my mouth.
This man that I love so much, beyond all measure of things. This man, sitting by me with such confusion in his face. Confusion and hurt. Confusion and hurt that I put there with my jagged words.
Did you ever go to the zoo before they were called Wildlife Parks? When the cages were small and arranged around a square of concrete? You could look through the bars at the beasts with no thoughts of conservation of species or natural habitats or any of those good things. You ever look at a dangerous animal?
A dangerous animal in an old-fashioned zoo. Just sitting there, looking so miserable. Today you�d look at it and think "the poor thing, it wants to get out. It should be roaming over plains or through jungles, slinking through the trees and basking by a clear pool."
What if it was just sitting there and, instead of saying "I want to go home", it was saying "Don�t look at me. Don�t look at me, Im wrong. Its all my fault. This cage is here for a reason. I made this � its not to keep all you good people away from me, to stop you poking me with sticks or trying to stroke me. The bars are to keep me away from you. So I cant hurt you. I cant bite you and scratch you and poison you. So I cant rampage and trample you, ambush you for sport and toy with you. I don�t mean to do these things, but if you open the cage, I will anyway. The bars, the concrete, the dish of stagnant water � that�s what I deserve. I�ll never be in the petting zoo. I cant feed from your hand, I cant be trusted. You cant play Francis of Assisi with me, I�ll take your fucking arm off.
Don�t look at me. Im nothing. Look at something else. Look at something pretty and harmless and benign. Im turning my back."
A cage is a cage is a cage. And bars can be made of iron and steel. Or they can be made of invisible things. Like tears and pain and fear. You could be shaking the gate and screaming, "Let me in! Let me in! Oh, please open the gate and let me in!" but if the key got put somewhere safe and now maybe its lost�.
When you walk down the aisle as a bride, you have a look on your face. It�s a look like a smile and a sigh mixed together. Everything�s OK, because marriage is forever. If someone told you it wasn�t, even before you got started, would you still have that look? If someone told you how a divorce feels, would you ever get married?
Could you look at your groom and think "Someday, I am going to make you feel such pain that you will wish you were dead. Your heart will splinter into a thousand pieces and I will grind them to dust under my feet. You are a good man and you deserve love in your life. You love me but, given enough time, I can change your mind. I can grow shrewish, my words can sting you and scratch you, nip at you and bruise you. Ive turned lesser men than you against me. Your goodness wont intimidate me. I can make you not love me."
"However hard I try, I can make you not love me."
I thought I was all mended, but Im still smashed to bits. Some bits are gone forever, dust blown away. Some bits are so broken, they may never fit together again.
So. Im in the cage. And he has his hand through the bars. He�s calling me over. He�ll let me out, he says. Give me the key. He�ll let me out and he�ll take me home. Im longing to feel his hand against my cheek but Im backing away. Im backing away and Im cowering. The spiny ball scratches my heart and it bleeds. It bleeds tears for this man who loves me so much. Don�t let me hurt him.
I want to do this. I want to do this more than anything Ive ever done. But Im petrified that I will fuck it up.