More on that later.
The rest of the weekend, you�ll be relieved to know, was no less tedious than the beginning bit.
Took Treacle to swimming lesson on Sunday morning � Jooj had to come with us as BF wasn�t back from Birmingham yet. She whined and moaned and bitched about having to come with us and how borrrrriiiiiing it was til I hit on the idea of maybe, possibly, not making any promises, next time she and I could do half an hour�s lane swimming whilst Treac has her lesson.
I hate swimming. Not in a "I�m not really all that bothered about it but, well, if everyone else is going I�ll tag along too" sort of way. More in a "NoNoNoNoNO Wild horses wouldn�t drag me there" stylee. When I was about 8 I slipped off a ledge in the deep end of the local pool and had to be dragged out by the lifeguard. Ive been frightened of water ever since. I can swim, a little bit, like, from here to over there *does pointing at stuff NO MORE than 25 yards apart* but it really is traumatic for me, especially if someone splashes me or bumps into me or otherwise invades my watery space. I have been known to cry, too. Once, during some ::hilarious:: hi jinks at the seaside, I punched a grown man full in the face for pushing me over in, ooh, thigh deep water. People who can swim just don�t understand the "please don�t push me in, I really don�t like water" plea, do they? The bastards.
BF, of course, is a TOP fabulous swimmer and diver and aquatic-based horseplay-er. Its totally effortless. Never ONCE have I seen him emerge from the deep maroon-faced, spluttering, coughing up lungfuls of marine wildlife and with snot hanging out of his nose. When he gets out of the pool, its with one fluid movement, not a load of undignified scrambling and hurting one�s toes on the tiles or having to come out via the steps like a geri-fucking-atric. He never even comes out of the sea in a spazzy way having trodden on a pointy bit of stone or omigod wasitacrab? In fact, having thought about it a bit, BF in water is a bit like that Take That video � Pray? � where they�re on some sandy beach looking buff with water pouring over them. Yep. Its like that. Only older, obviously. And with a much more noticeable package. Actually, BF can be a bit scary in swimming trunks. Well, from the waist down anyway.
But I digress. Much as I could waste a jolly hour thinking about BF in swimmers��sorry, I did then, just for a bit�THAT wont get this written. So, Sunday morning, Im listening to Jooj bitching and looking idly at the big pool instead of watching Treac and I notice its not the same as "family swim time". There are about a dozen (mostly middle aged) people, swimming slowly up. And down. And up. And down. No-one�s splashing. No-one�s pulling anyone else under by the leg. There�s no chunky-thighed teenagers in TopShop crochet bikinis sitting on their boyfriend shoulders and squealing. All in all, it looks quite�do-able. I could swim a length, have a little rest, swim a length, have a little rest and Jooj (who is also a TOP swimmer, the little git) could just motor up and down like a big scary watery thing. An oil tanker, perhaps. Its only half and hour � maybe I could do five lengths. That�s more than Ive ever swum in my whole life, even if I stick together all the times Ive ever swum at all.
I�ll let you know if I chicken out.
When we got home we cracked on with the "fake Chanel skirt sewing project" thing. Im taking photos as we go so the teacher can see that Jooj HAS actually done it all herself, although its Soooooo tempting just to say, "Go watch TV for half an hour" and finish the whole thing off for her. So far under my guiding hand she�s altered the pattern, pinned and cut out the pattern pieces, applied interfacing to the waistband (the first time she�d ever used the iron � something not right THERE!) and tacked up the pattern pieces ready for sewing. Considering she�s never so much as threaded a needle before, she�s doing great.
Then BF CAME BAAAAAAAACCCCKKKK! Yay!
And, what�s more, he came back in time for us to go to C�s to watch the FIREWORKS!!!! Fireworks are just one of my most favouritest things in the whole wide world EVER. C owns a huge plot of land and has loads of money so he put on a proper "display" type display: whopping BIG fireworks that go MILES up into the air before doing a MASSIVE bang and the full sparkly multicoloured chrysanthemum-starburst-lightingupthesky thing. *sigh*
Got KFC on the way home which reminded me why I don�t really eat takeaways. They�re cack. With the possible exception of filet-o-fish which can cure a hangover quicker than you can say "Holy Shite I feel rough, maybe if I had a little something to eat�."
Actually, they�re cack too. Delicious cack. And that�s SO not cheese. Or anything even RESEMBLING cheese.
Fucking hell, what AM I today? Tangent Woman? Able to insert any random thought, no matter how unconnected. *Gasp!* Imagine the costume! Starts really well, with shiny tights and gold high heeled boots or something, but then just�kind..of�.goes..off�into a hacking jacket, diver�s helmet, fairy-wings combo. No Big �S� emblazoned on my chest, maybe just a counted cross-stitch sampler in my oven-gloved hand with the words "�what was I saying again�?" picked out in lurex.
After the KFC, and putting the children to bed and all that stuff, remembered that I�d bottled the first of the sloe gin of the season (note to Dandy: About as big as an olive, bluey black colour, everso sour to eat. Fab in gin. I�ll send the recipe if you want it, or one for Limoncello if you don�t get sloes where you live) and got stuck into that before going to bed and having CrazyMonkeySex with my lovely boy. I�d bought some new knickers in Primark when we went to get the school coat (oh, how the children guffawed. Their amusement at my choice of nether-garment was not even SLIGTLY concealed. In fact, they were HOOTING with mirth. The little bastards), but am saving them for tonight.
Purple net frilly thong with hologram glitter sequins best saved for an evening when the kids AREN�T here, methinks. This evening, Stepfie will play the part of AnimeSluttyGoddessHo. BF, in a supporting role, will be Goggle-Eyed CantBelieveHisFuckingLuck Recipient of Pervyness. I hope to be too wankered tomorrow to function in a work-based capacity.
*Gasp!* Omigosh! I forgot to tell you about work. THAT was what all that "Gah"-ing was for, up at the top there!
My new boss started today. I was quite prepared to hate his guts but, aside from having a really long head a la Beavis and Butthead, he actually doesn�t seem too bad. Time will tell. I look forward to telling you how wrong I was, in just a few short weeks!
Anyway, the last couple of days/weeks/whatever we�ve had loads of staff changes and tons of people leaving, including two Field Staff which has left a bit of a hole. Ive been taking up the slack as best I can but I don�t really have the necessary clout (or inclination) to deal with sales-y type stuff so Ive been emailing Toast quite a lot with lots of detailed queries and possible solutions. Today, in a big rash, they all came floating back with messages like "Okey Doke" and "That�s fine, whatever you think best". Hell, a couple of times, Toast has even phoned me to ask my opinion before telling me "Oh, you just deal with it, we don�t need to get (whoever) involved". Astonishment, thy name is Stepfie!
The major league spanner in the works tho, is that he stopped by my desk this afternoon to tell me that my presence is required at the Sales seminar next week. I NEVER get invited to sales seminars, despite being head of department. In fact, the last one they had, Army Boy (now sacked!) told me I couldn�t go as they "had important things to discuss"! The seminar is Monday Tuesday Wednesday. Monday I am in Bruges getting bollocksed with my sister (birthday treat!), Tuesday � despite not having done anything productive since Methuselah was a boy � BF starts a tour which takes him all over the fucking country, leaving me no-one to look after the kids, and Wednesday (when the seminar goes on til about 8) I have a parent�s evening appointment at 5.40.
Needless to say, I am NOT going to tell Toast *whiny voice* "Ive got nobody to look after my kiiiiids. I cant come". So Ive had to kiss ass most massively with my folks and face the fact that I am going to be dead in the water by Thursday morning (when Slave starts her holiday �away for 6 days!). I told Toast about being away in Bruges and he has rescheduled the agenda so that they can do stuff without me on the Monday but then Im straight into it at the crack of dawn on Tuesday. Aaargh.
Oh. And Shagnasty called up today to say Treac has got a class assembly on Friday and could I go? Im in Bruges from Thursday night. Have been, bizarrely, having a laugh with Shagnasty off and on all evening with this one as we get ever more desperate for someone to go and represent us. He�s working in London, Im in Bruges, my mum has a hospital appointment and doesn�t drive so that counts out my dad too, and oddly enough, Shagnasty�s dad has a hospital appointment and his mum is going too. Naturally I posed the question "Well, can�t your dad take my mum, then your mum and my dad could go to the assembly?" Having worked through Plans A, B, C, D etc through to Y, we are now left with only one option. When BF finishes teaching in 10 minutes time, I must persuade HIM to go. Shagnasty very magnanimously said "Go on, You can persuade him..!" in a kind of "you could always talk ME into doing stuff I didn�t want to do" sort of way, which was odd, but quite nice.
Who knows what I may have to do for a favour of that magnitude.
Wish me luck, dear readers.