Corporate Hostility
2006-08-01, 7:28 p.m.
Twat Inc Company BBQ and Pool Party anyone?Hmm. Didnt think so.
Still sat at my desk finishing off some paperwork at 1.15 even tho I was supposed to have left by 1. Walked through the main office on the way to my car to find all the other "Day 1" guests had already left without me, in a kind of car pool way, so only a couple of people would have to drive and the rest could have a few drinks drink. I drove myself, by myself.
When I got there, one table was already full except for one seat and the other table was completely empty. The full table was mostly post-menopausal harpies, plus a mother/daughter combo wearing matching sour expressions. I figured I would hang on for the call-centre girls and see if I could maybe sit with them but one of the harpies called me over - "Stepfie, Stepfie, come and sit here, come on, there's only one seat left, I'll move my handbag".
It wasnt til my arse was three quarters into the seat that she whispered, "Phew, that was lucky. I didnt want HIM sitting on our table" and gestured over my shoulder at the approaching figure of our part time mail-out helper, possibly the worlds most offensive and obnoxious employee.
So, lemme get this straight. It wasnt that she wanted ME at their table, it was just that she didnt want HIM. The call centre girls turned up just after in a big giggling group, arguing over the pre-lunch nibbles and generally having a bit of a laugh, whilst I sat at the Table of Doom and listened to tales of how S@insburys sell little bags of chicken snacks that Asd@ dont sell and how Dot from E@stenders is probably going to leave. I tried for about 45 minutes to join in but everything I said was either met with a blank stare or a "Mmm....well anyway, as I was saying", so eventually I just stared into space and composed a few lines of diary entry in my head. I thought I might be able to use them later. I recall one of them being "If I suddenly dropped dead, would they let me go home".
Once or twice I caught the eye of Call Centre Kelly at the other table and she was looking at me rather oddly but by then I had reached a vegetative state and was only able to signal "HELP ME! HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DECENT, HELP ME" by blinking and taking another sip of lukewarm orange juice. Around the caudron table the chatter continued about caravan holidays in Suffolk and the best time of day to do one's ironing and the systematic slagging off of our hostess (the Director of International Operations).
Luncheon was served promptly at three, by which time I was faint - either from hunger or from the effort of not clapping my hands over my ears and yelling "SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP you dreadful, ungrateful, ignorant, morons. If you dont want to be here then why dont you fuck off back to the office and then there might be an outside chance that I could move tables without causing massive offence to your petty-minded, sorry arses and start, possibly, having quite a nice time."
I ate my salmon and salad in silence. A chance remark from Call Centre Kelly had the *other* table in more fits of giggles. She caught my eye. At that point, God in his mercy spake unto Call Centre Kelly. He sent down his Holy Spirit unto her and I could verily see her halo shining in the feeble sunshine of the Dir of Int Ops garden. Call Centre Kelly, or Saint Kelly of the Call Centre as she shall henceforth be known (and all generations SHALL bloody well call her blessed, or they'll have me to answer to)did raise up her still small voice of calm and utter the words "Oi, Stepfie! Whadyou think?".
Obviously I was unable to say what I thought as I hadnt heard the original conversation, so I got up and crossed over to their table. At the point at which I squatted down to find out what all the fuss was about, I was instantly and animatedly engaged in conversation by Call Centre Jo, Call Centre Sammie and Call Centre Mel, leaving Saint Kelly to nip over to *my* table, grab my chair and drag it back across the courtyard. When she sat back down she said "there. that's better". I whispered "you're my best friend" and she laughed and GAVE ME A HUG!!!
They egged each other on to go in the pool and didnt make fun of me when I said I didnt want to because Im not a good swimmer and cant do the 'horse-play with pool toys' things that are great fun for other people and scary and dangerous for me. They were nice, and friendly and welcoming and made me feel a bit like crying, which I dont think would have helped. They have gone up in my estimation by a gazillion points. Yay for Call Centre Girls!
Here's a picture of the car I want to get.
Zoom Zoom Zoom