Even more bored than before...

2006-05-06, 8:35 p.m.
Yawn, yawn and triple yawn
What I'd give for an hour of porn

I mean, of course, that I am missing BF and could do with a jolly rogering, NOT that I am in need of a grumble flick or two. As I am sat in the studio with the Maxster Hard drive containing a veritable pornucopia just inches away from me, I have access to all the porn I could possibly handle (and some that I probably couldnt) but Im sure as hell not going to watch it on my own. Where would be the fun in that?

I have been the Queen of Propriety since BFs been away. No whisky, no porn, no takeaways. Nuffin. Unless you count the kafrillion cigarettes Ive smoked out of sheer boredom, or the amount of swearing Ive done in front of the kids. Not yelling at them or anything, just general purpose bad-mouthing of the kind that makes BF go all lemon-mouthed and say stuff like *make voice all squeaky and irritating* "You shouldnt use language like that in front of the children - they'll take it to school and everyone will know it was you." Which usually prompts me to mutter "Shove it up yer arse, toss-pot", or sometimes to grab his trouser parts and sing "I may not beeeee a laydeeeee, but Im allll wummmman" until he shuts up.

Today was the boringest of all boring days. Took Jooj to diving at stupid o' clock this morning. She seems to be getting the hang of it all pretty much. Treacle had to come with me as there was no BF (lurking about in the kitchen in his boxers and fleecy, looking like Beaker and slurping weapons grade coffee) with whom to deposit her. She was a bit surprised that we didnt sit right at the front because "Daddy sits right THERE, so he can tell Jooj what to do when she's doing it wrong". Hell's teeth Shagnasty! You dont coach from the sidelines at a Diving Lesson, ferchristsake. Spent a merry half hour conversing with I, who is the husband of my friend S, who is the mum of Jooj's best friend, with whom she goes diving (that was a bit complicated, wasnt it!). If the man were any more vanilla, he'd have little black dots all over him. Which of course, makes my innuendo filter shut down and turns my risque valve up to Max. He spends quite a lot of time spluttering and changing the subject. Then he goes home and tells S what Ive said and she phones me later to laugh at his prudeyness.

After diving it was a quick change then high-tail down the motorway to the local Theme Park for Jooj's Day Out With The Brownies. Dropped her off, gave her a kiss, yelled "dont get off with any boys!" out of the window of the car and went to get groceries.

Actually, the rest of the day is too boring even to relive in typewritten form so I'll just race through it:

Groceries, school shoes (aborted due to rain), lunch, flower fairies (made by Treacle), collect Jooj, chicken korma, Harry Potter DVD, gone to bed (them, not me!).

BF has phoned to say he's been buying everyone drinks been doing some serious networking and has brown-nosed Big Time made some useful business contacts. He also told me he has had loads of people come up and tell him how fantastic he is. When I bitched that no-one had told me how fantastic I am, he said "Have you not made any cake today, then?". I didnt laugh.

Tomorrow's festival of fun sees BOTH children having their little friends over to play. If it goes my way, they will all disappear upstairs to do whatever it is they do (talk about boys/play Barbies/spy on each other/do each others makeup/cover the upstairs landing in dressing-up clothes/back-chat me until I whap them over the head with whatever Im holding - only the ones that actually BELONG to me, of course. Even I dont beat other people's kids.) and I will be able to get on with the serious business of "doing stuff I havent done cos BFs been away". These are generally things like unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, picking up clothes, washing my hair, blahdeblahdeblah. Oh, and making cake of course, as I would like to be as fantastic as possible for when he comes home as I am a pathetic attention seeker domestic goddess.

I have also purchased a( second!)Swearing Dictionary so hope to pepper future entries with new and exciting expletives, profanities and offensive puns. My closing shot for this evening, then dear readers, is to leave you with todays pretty new expressions:

pram face n. A famous woman, perhaps a pop star or TV presenter, whose face would more suitably adorn a young mother pushing a pram around a council estate, for example Jo out of S Club 7.

pisticuffs n A comical, drunken attempt at combat.

nightie night
s
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