Stuff. Boring and depressing stuff.
2006-04-19, 8:28 p.m.
Hey! Guess what! if you type pretty much a whole entry and then just click onto something else for, like, a nano second by mistake, the whole big thing wot you wrote all disappears and you have to start again.Fuck it.
Well, Im not doing it all again (AND it was REALLY interesting. So.) Im just gonna go off on a different tack and see what happens.
Not really got that much to say at the moment. BF has gone off to do a gig in one of those poncey towns where the people think they're posher than they really are cos they paid 30% over the odds for their houses. I cant go as I havent got a babysitter. Sometime I dont think it does BF and I any harm at all to not be around each other for a couple of hours. And then sometimes I cant bear to be without him for a second.
The pressure's on us at the moment as we're still waiting for the sale to go through on his house - there've been 27 objections to the purchasers proposed buiding plans and if the permission isnt granted we'll be right back to where we were 18 months ago. Paying two mortgages every month is sapping our very lifeblood and making for a very strained atmosphere in The Palace. BF feels like he isnt contributing to our household as he has to cover HIS mortgage and the bills on HIS house first - the lodgers dont cover the cost at all, they just make a bit of a dent. Also, being self employed, there's times when he's not working either and that makes him feel like a sponger and a layabout.
There's still a lot of things about the house which I consider MY responsibility as I cant get out of the mindset of the dutiful wife (even tho I havent been one for some years now), but I work full-time in a reasonably high powered job - despite how I make out Im a 'tard - and its very difficult to be both the main breadwinner ("the Man's job") and the Happy Homemaker (the Girl's Job).
When BFs under pressure he goes quiet, or goes to the pub. When Im under pressure, I yell. Loud. And when Im under pressure, him going quiet (or going to the pub), makes me yell louder. like I did on Sunday when I completely and unreasonably blew my stack at him over something trivial. And then I yelled "And No. Despite what you're thinking, Im NOTHING LIKE YOUR EX-FUCKING-WIFE!" and I slammed the studio door right in his face with a full arm swing.
It took a full 24 hours before he suggested we might have a chat about it. He started off as usual, as he's very good at explaining how he's feeling and what's bothering him. I let him go on for quite a while about his house and his ex-wife, and about not seeing his kids for a year and how his career is a bit stuck in the doldrums and his dad having Alzheimers and all the problems he has to deal with.
Im not very good at talking to him (or anyone, actually)about how I feel. That's what other people do. They talk to me, I listen and offer objective advice - this is the pattern of my whole life.
But I couldnt put it off or nothing was ever going to get done so I just took a deep breath. I explained how Ive done my best to help him through his problems and he said Id been incredibly supportive ("more than I couldve expected from anyone" was what he actually said). Then I asked him how much the Council Tax is on the Palace of Many Sins. He didnt know. He also didnt know the cost of the Gas, Electricity, Water, Food or how much the petrol for my car costs each week. He didnt know anything about the management changes at Twat Inc nor about the fact that Im now not doing the Human Resources course that I was supposed to be doing. He didnt know what a shitty time Im having at work at the moment (so shitty that I cant even joke about it here!). I didnt yell. And I didnt cry, even tho I wanted to. I said "I know all about your problems because you tell me every day. I deal with your problems every day. But I also deal with my problems. By Myself. Every day. And I cant. Do. Everything."
We carry so much baggage, BF and I. His makes him too scared to move without permission - it makes him doubt himself, makes him seek approval for every little thing. He wont do anything - in case he does it wrong. My baggage makes me a martyr - I take on more and more and more. The more I take on the more worthless I feel. Im shocked if anyone ever says thank you. I cant say how I feel about things that happen to me - Im afraid I'll be met with blank stares. Im the capable one, the sensible one, the one who'll KNOW. I cant need help.
We got upset then and had to stop. Im getting upset now too, so Im going to stop. Bf just phoned to say he's at the gig, the support act just went on, and he loves me. I love him too.
nightie night
s
x
PS Serena - BF says I can get Skype when we get our wireless network sorted out but Im not allowed to have it in the studio (where I am now) - it needs to go in the office upstairs, whcih I cant do til i get MY pc upgraded. Soon, oh soon as we just got a big royalty cheque this afternoon. Woo Hoo
PPS Otto - here's a nice picture for you. BF took it when we were in Cornwall and I know you'll fully appreciate its majesty and all the wonders of nature etc etc *snort*
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