Celebrity Sex Camp - The Weekend!
2006-02-15, 8:07 p.m.
Oh the weekend.Saturday sees me in a most massive tizzy for the whole day, doing and re-doing my hair, de-fuzzing every single part of me that didn�t ought to have fuzz on it, trying on every bit of clothing I possess and nearly crying cos I look so foul in everything, phoning Liz and Bad Friend and Moviegrrl and making stupid squeeee noises until they get bored with me.
Then I�ll have to go have a bath and paint my toenails AND my finger nails and get my decent jewelry out from under the bed even tho Shagnasty bought it for me and it creeps me out a bit. Then at ten to five I�ll drive at breakneck speed down to Chigley and panic buy a load of new stuff to wear and belt back home and try it all on again and throw it all on the floor in the boudoir and panic a bit more because Im going to a film premiere with�
HIM! Oh, Man Of My Dreeeeeeams! Sqeeeeeeal! Oh TOM! I can call you Tom cant I, or shall I call you Mister Selleck, Sir?
At six o clock a taxi draws up outside the Palace and a feller comes to the door with a big flat box (No! Not Famous Names chocs!) and a little square box. In the big box, wrapped in tissue paper is the MOST fabulous AND flattering gown of deepest scarlet (a gift from dear JohnfromMonday, even tho he was only a sub, bless him!), Naturally it fits me perfectly and makes me look ten years younger and ten pounds lighter. The little box contains a wrist corsage of scarlet Passion roses which I pop in the fridge as Im a nerd and work in the industry and know that you have to keep them cool. By the time the limo turns up I AM GORGEOUS. Tom gives a little twinkly ironic smile at the sound of my stoopid doorbell and escorts me to the car after kissing my hand and saying "Its so lovely to meet you. At last." And waggling his eyebrows like he used to do in the opening credits for Magnum p.i. His tuxedo is immaculate. I nearly faint.
In the limo Tom chats amiably about all sorts of things while I make that dumb-ass goldfish face like Jooj made when she met Tracy Beaker. I cant speak. Tom doesn�t seem to mind and gets out a freshly laundered handkerchief so I don�t get drool on my dress. As we pull up in front of the movie-theatre the limo lurches and I half fall onto Toms lap � he starts laughing and tickles me a bit while Im on his lap til I can sense an attraction growing between us (or maybe he still packs a gun from his old Magnum days). He waves the driver to go around the block while we regain our composure and I can see all the crowds straining to get a glimpse of whoever�s in the limo that lurched and drove away again.
So we�re at the red carpet and Tom gets out. There�s flashbulbs popping everywhere as he�s not nearly so much of a has-been as y�all might think, then he reaches his hand back into the limo and I step out. The papps are all calling "Stepfie! Over Here! Please Stepfie! This Way!" as Im quite famous now (this sex camp IS being televised isnt it?) and I smile and wave in a serene and composed way and take Tom�s arm as we�re off down the red carpet.
Don�t ask me what film we�re seeing. Who Cares? IM WITH TOM! Half way through the film he disappears and comes back with two ice lollies. We put our feet up on the back of the seat in front and slurp our lollies and giggle a lot and nudge each other in the ribs and do impressions of the other famous people who are all watching the film all po-faced. Sir Michael Caine turns around and goes "Shhhhh" all crossly and then says "Oh Stepfie! Its you! I love your work." and pretends not to be cross about not being able to hear the film. Me and Tom whisper "You�re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off" and start laughing so much that I have to stuff Toms hankie in my mouth and he�s going "Kkkkk kkkk kkk" with the effort of not laughing and going very red in the face.
The after show party is all canap�s and liggers and Tom flicks a bit of dill pickle off a blini and into someone�s drink (I think it was Liam � hard to tell as he was frowning anyway) and I snort Martini out of my nose. Tom points and goes "HaHaHa!" and slaps his thigh. Then he says, "Come on , lets go" and we run down the steps and along the street � Im squealing cos Ive got Manolos on and they cost half a months wages so Tom scoops me up and runs down the street with me in his arms yelling "Let me through, Let me through, Im a middle aged actor with a chick in my arms" and runs into a bar. Its packed and everyone turns around to look. Tom says "Phew. I think we lost �em" and orders two beers. I go to the loo where I discover the ever resourceful John has made the long bit of my fabulous gown DETACHABLE! Woooo! Once Ive yanked it off and stuffed it behind the cistern to collect later, Ive got a super-sexy mini-dress. When I come out of the loo, Tom does a "thumbs up, head nodding" Fonzie-type thing and we sit and have a few beers. Im not good at drinking beer out of the bottle so I burp quite a lot. Not to be outdone, Tom burps too. I burp and say "Bollocks" at the same time. Tom goes "HaHaHa!" and tries it too. He�s rubbish.
Tom orders two foot long chili dogs and shoves one across the bar towards me. He looks deep into my eyes, into my very soul. I know what he�s thinking. I say "Game on, clever-trousers!�..In 3�.2�.1�.Go!" He�s still tucking his napkin in the top of his shirt and Im half way through. Im a girl from ChavVille ferchristsake, Ive been getting stuff that size in my mouth without it touching the sides since before I left school. I notice Tom making the connection. He chokes a little bit. Unlike me.
Later in the evening we call for the limo and drive around town, stood on the seat with our heads out the sunroof, pointing at stuff and falling into each other when we go roud corners then the driver takes us out along the coast road to Inspiration Point (or whatever!) where we can see the city lights all streched out in front of us, and the ocean beyond. Sadly the driver is only booked til midnight so we let him out and he walks off down the road....then is just me and Tom, me and Tom making out in a limo (like Kevin Costner in No Way Out but without being quite so much of a twat). Me and Tom MAKING OUT IN A LIMO!!!! Im really sorry readers, but at this point y'all have to get out of the limo and go sit on that grassy knoll over yonder cos this is WAY too special to share with the likes of you.
*Pause while audience grudgingly get out of limo, sit on grassy bank, smoke cigarette, go "Im fucking freezing, how much longer are they gonna BE? Wait! What was that noise? Oh my God, there are CREATURES out here, hurry up youz two ferchristsake"*
Then its back to Tom's beachside homes which has all those things you never get in houses over here in dear old Blighty - screen doors, a fridge bigger than my car, L-shaped sheets on the bed (to protect the modesty of the recently shagged - covers the ladies boobies but allows full frontal of the chaps Award Winning Chest Hair), a phone that just goes RRRRRRiiiiing instead of Brrr Brrrr etc etc.
Tom has his jacket off and bowtie undone and fixes drinks and does snogging on the sofa and much stroking of thighs (mine!) with those big ole hands of his until its sadly time for me to go home.
Tom drives me in his ridiculous red sports car and I pretend its just a bit draughty and my eyes are watering rather than that I am blubbing like a total spaz cos ITS OVER.
When he drops me off at the Palace we both know there'll never be another night but that there'll always be a special place in my heart (and in my knickers) that will forever be Toms. *sigh*
WHAT!!!! Tom's not available? Waaaaaaaaah!
There is only one alternative - only one man I could call up after such a knockback. And so, enter the only man in the whole list who isnt a celebrity.
Stepfordad (no photo, he is REAL after all)
"Hey Dad, Tom Selleck stood me up"
"The Cunt"
"You wanna go to a party?"
"Im watching Top Gear"
"Go on dad. Michael Caine'll be there"
"I suppose you want me to drive?"
"Pleeeeeese dad"
"*sighs* I su-POSE so"
"Thanks dad. Oh, you have to wear a tux"
"*tuts* fucking hell"
And lets face it girls, there's nothing icky about including my dad in this Celebrity Sex Camp cos, if I dont get to shag Tom Selleck then NO MAN will do. There is no substitute. And my dad will get me an ice lolly if the films boring. And he can say Bollocks and burp at the same time.
Oh, BTW, my dad looks a bit like Oliver Reed.
Sunday, Sunday. Im mooching about the Palace in a much nicer dressing gown than the one I actually own and jump when the bloody stoopid alabama banjo doorbell rings. Ive forgotten there's a day to go! My hair looks like Beaker from the Muppets! I open the door. eek! Fresh from his date with the lovely serena its...
SAM! Oh My Goodness, Im so sorry, I'd forgotten you were coming! How shockingly rude of me! I'll just go change!
Panic stations in the boudoir as I dont know what to wear! I throw on a pretty flowered gypsy dress (not ankle length, Im not a hippy - thigh skimming is a better word for it!)and whack a bit of hair wax though my tousled bog brush of a hair do. I quick skite out the window tells me its warm enough for no coat but, oh horrors! he's brought a motorsickle! Ah, well, no time to change, on with the Crazy MF motorbikin' boots and off down the stairs two at a time.
Apparently I look "Cute. Real cute". And we're off. The motorsickle ridin' laws have been repealed JUST in time, which means I can ride side saddle with no helmet on (Bah! I stick a finger up the nostril of danger and waggle my bottom suggestively in the face of fucking stoopid - its MY fantasy, M'kay?)
How lovely! A countryside picnic! There's PROPER food - nothing from Asda AT ALL! - and a proper rug to sit on under a shady tree. There's good sippin' whisky and I get to sit spoony style with the lovely Sam's arms holding me close to his chest while he kisses the back of my neck. YUM. We doze in the sunshine and wake to find we're SURROUNDED BY COWS! eeek! Sam jumps up, brushes his hands on his jeans (PHHWOAR!) and smacks the nearest cow a big slap on the rump steak! He also says something like "Gwan now, GIT" or some other kind of cowboy type thing. As if my magic (and, in my experience, highly unlikely) the cows move away, with only a few more slaps and "Hyah!"s and "Gwan"s needed. Hoorah!
Well, now we're awake I might as well shag him. On the grass would be cool,especially as he had the foresight to bring the rug, but on this occasion Id like to keep the flowery dress and big scary boots ON I think......(oops, sorry, drifted off a bit there! - back to the story). Sam fixes up a swing on the shady tree and pushes me on it for AGES without gettting whiny or saying "Its my go now".
On the way home we stop off at Lid1 and get one of those giant six packs of fizzy water that I never buy because I cant carry it by myself and then Sam generously fixes that funny thing in my shower that hasnt been working for ages and means that I have to wash my hair with a jug over the side of the bath. When I offer to help he just raises one eyebrow and tells me Im too pretty to help and it aint ladies stuff, fixing things, so I get him a beer and stand about looking pretty and twiddling with my hair.
When he leaves he writes his number on my phone pad and tells me to call him if the shower thingy drips at all, or if there's ever anything else that needs fixin'. *Sigh*
What? Sam forgot too? Well there's nothing for it then. Its Sunday, Im knackered and I choose my super-sub for the end of the week to be the owner of THIS torso
And yes, he is kind of famous is some parts of the world, which is why Ive cut his head off, to spare him from any bad publicity.He wont do much but he'll get into bed and put his arms around me...
"You okay, baby?"
"Mmmm, bit tired."
"Well, you've had a busy weekk. You go to sleep then my angel."
"'kay"
"You know I love you, dont you?"
"Uh huh"
"You know Im going to fuck you senseless the SECOND you wake up dont you?"
"Uh huh"
"Night night then baby, sleep well"
"You too"
"I love you"
"I love you too"