Just been to do a little clear out before the Rock Gods arrive for their practice session and discovered this weeks outright winner of "Most Disgusting Housemate".
My dear Jooj, owner of the sweetest disposition, the roundest bottom, the longest battiest eyelashes, protector of nits, reader of unsuitable fiction etc etc, has, for the duration of her horrid cough and cold period, been using a Winnie the Pooh trainer cup AS A SPITOON. Eeeuw, Euuuew and Double Eeuuw.
Anyway, here�s the latest from the House of Stepfie � the Rock Gods have arrived, bagels have been made, coffee dispensed and general bonhomie abounds in the studio. The Rock Gods in question are two thirds of the support acts for BFs Big Gig. They�ve come round to the Palace of Many Sins to do a wee bit of practice � even tho the gig itself is still two months away. So far, between giggling and trying out ALL the guitars, they�ve worked out an acoustic version of Sweet Child O� Mine (in 6/8 for any musicians listening) and BF has talked them into drastically reducing the tempo on their version of Fast Car so it actually sounds like the soulful lament its intended to be. The plan is for them to come on and do their thing, then for Tom (the one who isnt here today ) to do his bit on the slide guitar with harmonica and singing like a 75 year old fat black guy even tho he�s actually a 28 years old skinny white dude with a shaved head and (generally) no shoes. Once that�s all done, BF will do his acoustic set then they�ll all get up together and do a few covers and different arrangements of stuff the audience will immediately identify with.
Its starting to sound like it could really be a good gig, now Ive spent a bit of time giving BF a pep-talk on how he needs to play more and not just �wing it�, or he�s going to make a bit of a cunt out of himself, which would be a real shame as he�s a real talent and hell, these guys look up to him. BF has played all kinds of places, here and abroad (including the Cavern, smashthegas old friend) but this is the first really big thing he�s done on home turf. Its so local for us, we could even walk there if we wanted.
Im listening to M singing downstairs and it just sounds so cool. BF says he isnt going to sing at all during his set, which sounds a bit weird but people DO like to just listen to him play, and lets face it, 8 of the 12 tracks on his album are instrumentals so I guess its OK if he bows out of the vocal part and lets M do his thing as he truly has a beautiful voice.
Lets see what else has been happening.
Tuesday there was a management meeting at Twat Inc. It all went pretty well and I was starting to think I was making some real head-way with the "being the only senior Manager without a penis" type thing. However, after the meeting, Army Boy, The GM and the IT fella disappeared for a bit. When they got back, they had BigBadBossMan with them and A.N.Other who was clearly being shown around the building. It transpires that they had all been out to lunch with this fella as he�s being considered for the GM job once he retires in March. WHY THE FUCK WASN�T I INVITED? I am the only one of them with any real recruiting experience and Im sure I would have been able to make SOME sort of contribution to the proceedings. In addition, as BBBM was showing this fella around, he stopped at my office as part of his tour. I was just coming in from one of the other office and BBBM stopped and said "Ah, this is Stepfie. She�s ummm�.well�.I guess every company has one�.She�s�ummm�like our Mother Superior." Not my job title, not my function in the company, not a brief overview of what Im trying to achieve. Nada. A N Other snickered feebly and held out his hand to be shaken. I looked BBBM in the eye and said "Well Big. THANKS for that. Thanks a LOT", then I shook hands (firmly) and said "Hi Im Stepfort Tart, nice to meet you."
Later, I finished the report Id been working on (from the meeting) and mailed it around the building with a transcript of my conversation with BBBM, commenting on how I was glad he was finally recognising the contribution I was making to Twat Inc in line with the discussions we�d had at my �Promotion Interview�.
Not 30 seconds later I got a call from the GM. He apologised unreservedly for BBBMs comments. I went to his office as I couldn�t fully vent my spleen with Slave, Capt Skiver and the Incredible Sulk hanging on my every word. I ranted. I raved. GM consoled. GM agreed. GM said he couldn�t understand why they�d all been summoned in the first place as BBBM had clearly already made up his mind (bit like the discussions re the HR Manager job). Then he told me that when he goes in March he�s not actually retiring. He�s just leaving, despite being 63 and unlikely to get another job, he�d rather go now and be a person of reduced circumstances than stay on. I said "I wont be far behind you at this rate" and he smiled, pleasantly, and said "I know".
Next day Army Boy also expressed his commiserations and said "If you even need to go crazy you can always come in here and do it � I wont mind" which would be good as he has a big office all to himself and doesn�t have to share with a load of deadbeats. I told him I was petrified of what might happen to the company once GM leaves and he hung his head and said "Yeh. We all are."
Thursday tho, there was another meeting that I wasn�t invited to, when they interviewed the prospective new Marketing Manager. Gah.
GM and Army Boy say I should confront BBBM but Id prefer to wait until after the salary reviews at the end of the month and find out how much Im really worth to him. I cant afford to throw a hissy fit and storm out as Im the chief breadwinner here at the Palace at the moment but Man, its depressing. I cant help thinking that maybe he just gave me a fancy title and a bit more money just to shut me up and he never really intended for me to be anything else but a supervisor, or glorified secretary. What I would really like is for, next time this happens, for one of them to say, "Just a minute, I think Stepfie should be in on this, I�ll just go get her." Maybe Im not the only one without a dick after all.
Fucked up my healthy eating plan with a giant consolatory Chinese takeaway comprising mostly stuff with batter on.
My sincere thanks to all those who helped with my inability to do anything at all that involves a PC of any description (or "the telly bit, the big-box-brain-bit and the typewriter bit" as I obviously prefer to call it). I started to link my fuckwittage with my lack of credibility at work but then, I don�t need to know that stuff to do my job and I CAN do all sorts of other stuff that other people I know Cant do. This is why my friends call me up all the time for advice. So, here�s a some stuff that I can do. It�s not an exhaustive list by any means but I sure hope there�s at least one that you guys will nod and go "coooool"at:
Stuff I Can Do
Make sewing patterns � from scratch. This involves lots of mathematical calculations to translate an idea onto a flat piece of paper and then onto cloth to go around a curved body.
Cook stuff. Pretty much anything actually. I can make a tasty and nutritious dinner out of stuff from the bottom of the fridge that really needs using up. Right now.
Do flowers. I couldn�t when I first started at Twat Inc, but now I can. I watched. I learned. I can make table arrangements and bouquets and make a 2 quid bunch of crud from the petrol station look like a 30 quid designer piece.
Know stuff about stuff. My special forte is stuff you learned in school and then instantly forgot. How to calculate the area of a circle, how ox-bow lakes are formed, how to draw people without them looking spazzy, random phrases of Latin, German, French etc.
Analyse a �personal� problem and offer advice. Not my own problems, of course, Im just as fucked up as the next Goddess, but many many conversations with friends and loved ones have started with them saying "what do you think I should do about�."
Be the Lyrics Queen. Any top ten hit from 78 � 83 � tell me the artist/title and I�ll sing you at least two lines. Ive never been beaten.
Give Blow Jobs � really good ones, tailored to the expectations of the recipient. I have rendered more than one man unable to walk, speak or do anything except wear a goofy grin for hours afterwards. It�s a skill, admit it!
Play the harmonica. And the violin. And sing. And act. And do stand up (although I wont, even tho BF begs me on an almost weekly basis)
Stuff I Cant Do
Html � I can learn this cant I? How hard can it be? I think half the trouble is, when I gave up work to have Jooj, PCs were still pretty much in their infancy here in the deep south(!) and I worked on a typewriter. We had a word processor but nobody was allowed to touch it except the Boss and she only used it to send messages to Head Office (email? Who knows!). When I went back to work 8 years later, the world had moved on. I picked up word processing and email and surfing the net OK, but a lot of the basic stuff that others took for granted Ive never had to deal with. This is why I had to ask Smedindy what a URL is. This was starting to get me down Big Style this morning until I figured, you guys weren�t BORN knowing this stuff, so at some point, you all must have made complete twats of yourselves by not knowing something that, like EV-rybody else knew.
On Friday, Jooj and Treacle went off to Shagnasty�s for a few days. When I got back from work BF had sold a bed that we�d put in the Free Ads so now I have 35 quid of FREE MONEY which I can do whatever I like with. WooHoo! I bought some beer and the rest has gone in the "blue piggy bank of saving up for stuff" in readiness for some future treat when I don�t think I can afford something and all of a sudden I CAN!
We went out for a few scoops (I drank soda because I was driving), then we came back and tried out the steam thingy in our shower room. Ive never used it before but it was Niiiiiice. The shower has a little seat in it so if you get tired you can have a little sit down�.or maybe, if one of you is feeling a bit tired you could sit down while the other one gets soapy with the bubbly stuff (or something. You get the picture). Raided the dressing up box to BFs specification (bodystocking, long gloves and perspex shoes) and fucked like crazy people for a bit. Back to the kitchen for a re-group, restorative smoke and half a box of Celebrations (not the Bounty ones, they�re horrid) then back upstairs. We have open tread stairs with two corners to go round so BF gets a really good look at my bodystockinged arse on the way up. Curiously this doesn�t seem to put him off at all. I know this because he was still wearing his goofy grin this morning when we woke up.
Tonight we are off to Sis and BiL�s for dinner. I am making a pain de campagne to take with us (on account of being too poor to buy a decent bottle of wine to take) and we�re staying over as its an hours drive away. Sis is a chef by trade so I�ll be sure to let you all know what comestibles of gorgeousness we have scoffed when I next update.
If we have sex tonight we�ll have to do it really really quietly so as to not offend anyone, which will probably mean I will have to clamp my hand over BFs mouth, but I kind of like it that way. It makes me want to behave ever more outrageously to see how much he can stand without going "RRROOOOWWWRRR". Or something.
Until later, dear friends
S
x
Oh My God!I did BOLD and I think I did links too, but only you will know! Im Soooo chuffed! Italics and Underining next time! Squeeeeee!
back - forth