The Guest Entry (ahem)!

2006-01-16, 4:51 p.m.
What I did at the weekend - by Treacle Shagnasty-Stepfordtart aged 6

BF came to pick us up from school on Friday, but he came in his mum's car because he'd been in the pub and couldnt be trusted. We can call his mum Nannie if we want, and sometimes we do. She came to our house and when mummy came home from work she shooed me and Jooj out of the kitchen so they could smoke cigarettes together and then mummy made a fish pie for tea. Mummy said she had stretched the fish to feed us all but it looked just the same as usual. And there was LOADS of potato.

On Saturday, mummy made me get up really really early to go with Jooj to diving because she was taking us to Nana's afterwards. When Jooj did a dive all the water sploshed out and we all got wet because we were right at the front. Mummy says Jooj has a ginormous bottom but I think she's jealous because she cant do diving and if we go swimming with her she makes us stay in the shallow bit because she cant rescue us if we nearly drown because she's rubbish at swimming. But she has got a cozzie with a diamondy bit on it thats all twinkly so she still has a nice time at the beach just reading a book and looking all twinkly with sunglasses on.

Then we went to Nana's because mummy was helping BF to tidy up his house after the horrid lodgers had moved out and it was all yucky and dirty and mummy didnt want us to go there because there were THINGS WE COULDNT SEE. Jooj went on an on about what the things were until mummy shouted "Ohfergodssakeleaveit". When we were at nana's we put on red lipstick and when we went home mummy said Jooj looked like Robert Smith and then laughed because we didnt know who Robert Smith is. Id licked my lipstick off so I couldnt look like anyone, but mummy called me Van Halen anyway and said "when was the last time you had your hair brushed, you gyppo?" Then mummy's Bad Friend came round and they went in the kitchen to have coffee. We played Hullabaloo until mummy shouted "Jesus H Christ can you not find anything else to do?"

BF's mum had left a casserole in a big dish on the step while we were out because she didnt think mummy would want to cook, and there was a parcel of rice and some crusty bread and a packet of nice butter that mummy went "wooo, posh butter!" and then hid it in the fridge and got the ordinary butter out for us.

On Sunday Mummy got up and went to Lidl and me and Jooj just laid about in our pyjamas watching telly. BF was doing something with the doorbell because he said it wasnt working properly, but everytime he pushed it, it went ding dong so it cant be broken and then he was poking it with the screwdriver and going ding dong a bit more until mummy came home. Then she shouted at us all because she says she has to do all the work and BF said "I mended the doorbell" and mummy did that eyebrow thing that makes her look scary and me and Jooj RAN upstairs to get dressed. Mummy made us some soup and BF went out. When he came back mummy was cross and had a tantrum and we all just looked at her because she was shouting about NOTHING. Then she made me and Jooj put our wellies on and our coats and said we were going out. She said, "Go wait by the car, you two" - then we saw what she did that was a bad thing. She shoved BF out of the front door, then she slammed it and we could see her doing a dance in the hallway and she was saying "Heee Heee, Ive got rid of them ALLLLL!" But then she came out after a little while. Then she threw the car keys to BF and said "Wanna drive?....Ooops, sorry, you cant, cos you've been to the pub....Never mind, I'LL drive AGAIN, shall I?"

Anyway, we went to St Catherines Hill which is REALLY REALLY high and we climbed all the way up to the top and it was muddy but it didnt matter cos we had our wellies on and even mummy had hikeyboots on. And after a little while mummy and BF were friends again and we all had to look the other way when BF went for a wee behind some bushes. And when we got to the top there was a maze there and I thought it would be like the one in Harry Potter but it wasnt, it was cut into the ground instead and you could still see all around. BF says it is a Roman maze, which is very very old, like as old as Jesus and we went round it and I won because Jooj cheated.

When we came down we counted all the funny steps that are on the side of the hill so that you can get up there without sliding about in the mud or falling over, or if you had a pushchair you could go bump bump bump up the steps, but mummy siad you wouldnt take a pushchair up there unless you were retarded. There's 330 steps and thats really a lot. me and mummy counted really slowly so we wouldnt make a mistake and all the people on the steps behind us waited until we'd finished going down and didnt try to push past us or anything even tho there was quite a lot of them by the time we got to the bottom.

When we got home mummy made sausage and mash and vegetables (but I didnt eat the cabbage. I did try some but I dont like it. I said it was quite nice because I thought mummy would be upset if I said it was horrible. but it was horrible.) and a lovely cake with lemony stuff on top. Mummy and BF made a special model which goes on a light and has holes on it and makes a pattern of the conster, constell, STARS in a pattern on the ceiling, but it didnt work properly and mummy and BF laughed quite a lot and said it was a pile of shit. Which is a bit rude.

The I had my shower but I didnt have to wash my hair but Jooj did because she's got nits. Then I went to bed and mummy brought my hotwaterbottle and it was all lovely. Then I said "Awww, lovely mumsie" and I think she liked that because she was smiling quite a bit and we had a kiss and cuddle.

Then I went to sleep.

The End




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