Snacks, Axe, Packs

2005-11-17, 9:41 p.m.
Oh the shame! BF goes away for ONE NIGHT and what do I do? I�m in his office quicker than you can say "deposed in a bloodless coup" and am sat at his desk doing non-worky Fun Stuff. Not only that, but I am wearing a mutant hybrid of clothing which is half workwear and half �got to go get Jooj from Brownies and its freezing� wear � Smart navy cropped trousers, new chenille sweater, crappy grey nobbly fleecy zip top, pop socks WITH TRAINERS (Jesus H Christ, what was I thinking!). Not only that�I am eating. I am eating, in BFs office. I am eating greasy crumbly food in BFs office. To be precise, I am eating TWO WHOLE BOXES of supermarket "Chinese style party snacks" which is basically a load of stuff wrapped in crispy won ton skins. And some chilli dip.

I am quite sure that the Chinese, in their infinite wisdom, never intended these things to be eaten at parties. Firstly, they are all a bit big to be eaten in one bite (BF and I once tested a variety of "bite sized" products to see if they really were when stoned one night. Most of them could indeed be consumed in one bite but generally not without spitting, cramming, drooling, gagging or producing some kind of crumb induced blowback � not ideal at a party, Im sure you�d agree). Secondly, the heating instruction say heat for 14 minutes at 200 degrees. Serve immediately. I did that. They are too hot to pick up and too hot to bite without doing that tongue roll "hoo hoo haa haa" sucking in of air thing. Also not ideal at a party. Thirdly as they are all a bit flaky and crumbly, the best position to eat them in would be to tip one�s head back so that one�s face is horizontal. In that manner, stray bits of pastry stuff/prawns/beanshoots etc are much more likely to drop into one�s mouth than down one�s tux/cleavage/into ones beer/over the carpet etc. You�d have to admit, that�s not the best posture to adopt at a social gathering. For a start, its difficult to maintain eye contact with other guests when in that position. Also people can see up your nose.

I had a vision then of a combination of �the posture� coupled with the napalm qualities of the filling and the crumby blow-back choking/splutter thing. Won Ton Volcano. The erupting of Mount Houseguest. Im glad Im alone (momentarily).

Thank you all for your concern for my employment status. In readiness for my ignominious departure, I wore the Quin and Donnely suit. If Im going to get the sack Im going to get it in style, my friends. Explained the situ to Slave and she agreed to cover for me while I tried to catch up. Mercifully the phones stayed quiet for a good hour and I dashed of some (almost) credible work. Took copies for the rest of the management team, and went off to the meeting.

I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD COMPLETED THEIR ACTION TASKS!

I left everyone else to mutter "Umm, Ive been a bit busy actually", as I handed out my stuff, then it was rationally and sensitively discussed and I have requested constructive comments and suggestions on my desk by close of business Friday please. Woo Hoooooooo! Very glad I put in the effort as ArmyBoy did actually deign to discuss a staffing issue with me today in a non-patronising and (shock horror!) conspiratorial way. It cant last. I can guarantee that by the end of the week I will have fucked up again and there�ll be sniggering in the boardroom of Twat Inc.

Yesterday I was on a course. "Team Building For Managers". It was shit. I learned pretty much nothing. One exercise had five of us delegates making a fruit salad � to see how we structured and delegated throughout the team infrastructure. We just made a fruit salad. It looked nice but nobody ate any as we were all strangers to each other and nobody had washed their hands first. I was in charge of the oranges.

At the end of the day I got a certificate. My kids were impressed.

Back in the office today, playing catch up. Actually it wasn�t too bad as Slave had done a sterling job of covering and there wasn�t too much going on. Bought myself a little present from the Book Man � Sharon Osbourne�s autobiography. Not exactly Anne Frank but she is a bit of a heroine of mine. Mentioned this at work � much guffawing all round and comparisons made, including people shuffling up to my desk in obvious impersonation of BF (modelled on my own impression of him; roll-up, coffee mug, boxers, bleary look) and saying my name in that slightly panicky way that Ozzy uses to get Sharon�s attention�."SHARRRRRUNNNNNN???!! ShaRRRRRUUUUUUUNNNNN� Bizarrely, my kids have also made that comparison. Mercifully, I very much doubt BF would ever try to strangle me. And let�s face it, if he did, I would whup his sorry ass. And he knows it.

BF has gone to Preston (300 miles? Who knows? It took nearly four hours) for a gig tonight so I am all on my lonesome. He�s staying over, then tomorrow after work Im driving up to the Midlands to meet him for a weekend-long guitar fair. It seems so stupid to have two cars with us all weekend but there isnt really a better way. The train costs nearly fifty pounds and will take me til about 10.30 to get there. With petrol at 92p/litre its no more expensive for me to drive and I can be there by 8. So Im taking the little road trip � Slave offered to come with me, which was really sweet of her, but I don�t think she fully appreciates what�s in store when I get there! � juiced up with RedBull and singing along to the radio. Despite BF having been there a squillion times, he�s taken the SatNav so im relying on memory and a quick skite at the map before setting off. God, I wish I had a better car. Only another 10 months to go�.

The guitar fair is Coooooool. Im pretty much the only girl there so I get loads of leery, beer fuelled, musician-lust. BF gets double cred points for having a girlfriend who not only looks kind of OK in the groupie uniform (spray on jeans, customised �brand� T-shirt � Im not picky, I blag them from all the reps: Fender, Marshall, Vox etc � with bits cut out and stitched up and generally kind of porn-ish but with the logo in prominent view in case anyone wants to take my picture, which they sometimes do), but can also lift bass bins.

We also get to stay in a nice hotel (just like a real holiday!) and smoke dope and have VERY LOUD sex. The town we�re going to has a high immigrant population and therefore lots of factory outlets � not the sort that are in malls, I mean just cheap stuff that gets made in cheap factories, mostly leisure wear, kids clothes AND SHOES. Im not even daring to hope that I might be able to pick up the longed for perspex porn shoes at a discount price. Oh keep everything crossed dear readers. Rest assured that you will be the first to know if I get some.

Now, I have to go pack. Here�s my list:

2 pairs Jeans
1 pair cowboy boots
3 tshirts (various branding but including one for BFs sponsors which has been cut down so much it would be a bit skimpy on Barbie)
1 glittery top (for evening)
1 biker jacket (in case its cold)
toothbrush
46 pairs slutty knickers, matching bras, stockings, elbow length gloves
Toy Box (!)

I shall tell all on my return (well, not the REALLY good bits, obviously)




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