the woman from atlantis
2014-03-02, 10:42 p.m.
Yay! I didnt drown!I KNOW! What a fucking miracle, huh?
It actually wasn�t too bad and Ive even got homework (one arm, two arm, breathe arm, one arm, two arm, breathe arm) which I like to practice in the kitchen as its much less swimming-poolish there and so no special unflattering clothing is required and it only smells of chlorine when Ive been cleaning the waste disposal. The teacher is pretty nice and, if she DID laugh at me for not being able to swim without looking like Im having some kind of seizure, then she did it where I couldn�t see her, so I guess thats a winner all around.
There�s only one other person having lessons when I have my lesson and it�s a big fat bloke called Paul. I don�t know if he�s nice or not as I was concentrating on the whole �not drowning� thing and the �one arm, two arm, breathe arm� thing. Paul seems to have got the hang of that already but that might not be because he is a swot, or a teacher's pet. It might be that he�s had more swimming lessons than Ive had (ie more than 1) or that he is not a spazzy baby like me.
Onwards and upwards. I think I need to buy a new cozzy at some point but not just yet. My cozzy is, indeed, horrible and unflattering but while I am still floundering about like�err�a flounder and occasionally snorting chloriney snot out of my nose after an uncoordinated bit of �one arm, two breathe, arm arm, one breathe COUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH omigodImgonnadie�, there�s no real need for me to start trying to look like AquaMarina just yet
So instead of making myself depressed by looking at pictures of cozzies on the internet and wishing I had both more AND less pounds (didya see what I did there? Did ya? More ��� but less lbs!!! Harharhar, Im so clever and witty), I shall just show you some pictures instead.
Obviously, the first picture would have to be one of L, looking an utter twat as it is the morning (which is never a good time for him, tbh), and he has been caught unawares wearing slippers AND HIS WIFE�s DRESSING GOWN, smoking a fag out of the patio doors and looking gormless. And just so I don�t disappoint you, my legion of readers�OK, a couple of people who know me IRL and some transatlantic sweetie-pies who keep me for the curiosity value, like an empty crab shell or a smooth stone in the shape of a penis�.here he is, in all his glory
Just realised I forgot to tell you all about half term, but then, as I spent more of it lying down in a darkened room (�the pub� does count as a darkened room, doesn�t it?) after the hellish exploits of the week before half term, with the fighting and the room wrecking and the trauma and all, there probably isn�t actually that much to tell. It mostly rained apart from on one day.
And after all the bloody rain it was so nice to have just one sunny day, me and Wee Treacle went to the beach and got icecreams and pretended like it was real summertime, even tho we had to sit in one of those little shelter thingies as it was so bloody windy and we only had one pair of gloves between us. We held our icecreams in the glove hands and held hands with the bare hands and stuffed the holdy-hands into Treacle�s coat pocket for extra snugglyness. Treacle looked stylish
Me? Less so. Anorak and bobble hat are rarely a good look for the middle aged woman. And anyway, I was holding the camera which is why Treacle had to hold both the icecreams. Mine is the rum and raisin. She had rhubarb crumble.
Back to school last week and it was kind of OK apart from some MORE hideous news which made me want to go home and cry. Almost every child in my department has either been the victim or the perpetrator of a serious crime since the beginning of the school year. And in the list of serious crimes that I can think of, the only one we haven�t had yet is a murder. Please let me not get the full house when I go in tomorrow, oh Gods of Diaryland.
In other news�
I had to make a MASSIVE wedding cake (for a massive wedding, natch!) which took a great deal of time and effort and swearing and wrestling with 5 lbs of red fondant and millions of eggs (ok, 28 eggs) and quite a lot of complaining about �how am I supposed to decorate a wedding cake without flowers? What sort of bride DOESN�T LIKE FLOWERS, FERCHRISTSAKE???� The answer to that was, of course �Butterflies and hearts, dimwit� and �this bride� respectively. Anyway, she didn�t know I hadn�t ever made a wedding cake before and I think I made a pretty good job of it, seeing as I was doing it as a favour and only charged her the cost of the ingredients. Wedding cake for 100 people - �45. I think that�s a pretty good deal. And a pretty good cake *smiley face*
I promised jarofporter that I would post pictures of the river, looking all flooded. That was a week or more ago and the water has gone down a bit now as we have actually had a couple of days without rain, but theyre still worth seeing. If you�ve been with me a while, youll know I post pictures of the river quite often so I guess it might be vaguely interesting to see it in all its states, not just either covered with snow or looking picturesque and summery.
Here�s the bit where you go in. Just past the sign telling you not to go in because its flooded.
Then it pretty much looks like this all along, with fallen trees
And bits that used to be fields and now aren�t
And bits where people have tried to save their shed from the raging torrent
And that should keep y�all busy until I think of something more fun to write about.
Later
S
X
PS I forgot, I FORGOT!! smashthegas is coming to stay! Yay! You can see other incidences of me and Smashie being together here and here and probably some other places, too, but that�s enough linky links for one entry