I kinda feel a bit tragic writing about festive festivities, seeing as they�re pretty much over and done with now but everyone else is doing it, with nary a backward glance to their tragicness or lack thereof so I don�t see there�s really going to be much harm to it. And anyways, nothing much else has happened that wasn�t either Christmassy or New Yearish so I guess I�ll just have to go with it, or write this entry tomorrow night instead, when I surely will be writing about how I have won the Euromillions and that I have actually hired that bloody Hector Riva to do my typing for me as I am now too wealthy to boil my OWN thighs off with this stupid steam punk laptop.
To my eternal shame, I have yet to make the Bacon Cake to which I eluded in my last entry. Mostly because I need at least one of my kids to be here to sample its bacony, cakey delights and, thus far, those times have been few and far between. This weekend will just be me and L. He doesn�t really do solids before about 2 in the afternoon and I really feel that Bacon Cake may be a breakfast food, so I predict it may have to wait until next weekend, when Jooj, with her vegetarian�s love of bacon, is there to be complimentary (and to stop me scoffing the whole thing by myself). Treacle will be in Brighton with Auntie Sissy and Uncle BiL but then she�s never really been much of a one for bacon, so no harm done.
Its been a bit stormy, here in Englandshire, with trees blowing down and stuff like that. That meant that the power went out in the early hours of Christmas Eve and didn�t come back on for the whole day, regardless of how many times we said �Is it back on now? Try flicking the switch.� It was kind of fun at first, boiling water on the (gas) hob for making coffee and having to have our poached eggs with a slice of bread as we couldn�t make toast but the novelty wore off pretty bloody quick and the girls were chuffed to bits when their dad turned up an hour early to collect them. The poor lambs, they had had to resort to accessing the internet via their various mobile devices, like something out of the Stone Age, and there was real fear in their eyes if anyone mentioned �battery life�.
L and I were going to Sissy�s for supper so I didn�t really have to try to cook dinner or anything like that. There was no hot water and the shower pump wasn�t working so everybody just had to stay stinky and/or wear their hair in a ponytail. I sent L upstairs to have a shave late afternoon, before we lost the light altogether, (cos nobody needs to be using razor blades by candlelight, peeps. Especially people with shaky hands and even shakier vision.) and he took so bloody long that by the time I went up to do my make up, it was pitch black in the bathroom. I was using the flashlight on my phone to light the bathroom and throwing makeup into a bag and bitching about �well, I�ll just have to put mascara on when I get to Sissy�s, L, unless you WANT me to JAB myself in the eye and BLIND myself, trying to looking nice for you IN THE DARK�.� when the power came back on! YAY!
Ive seen people on the news in the last couple of days who are still without power, and I feel for them, I really do. What Im not quite so sympathetic about is people being interviewed and moaning how their 92 year old mother is still without power and her house is very cold and she�s having to boil water on the stove for a hot water bottle at night and how eating salad isn�t good for someone of her advancing years. FOR FUCKS SAKE HAVE HER COME STAY WITH YOU, YOU SELFISH TWATS! Seriously, Im sure Meemaw would be much happier kipping in your spare room five miles down the road than she would be to receive your generously donated thermos of soup. I even saw somebody yesterday moaning how their Christmas had been ruined as the whole family had come to them for lunch and there had been no lunch to have. Dafuq?! Why did you not just GO TO THEM, you fuckwits? Grrrrr.
Even we had two offers of Christmas dinner (from people who aren�t even close friends) if our power hadn�t come back on. Some people just like moaning, I guess.
Anyway, there were more storms last night and its all been a bit unpleasant, especially along the coast. I mean, not Japanese tsunami or anything like that, but certainly some flooding and fucked-upness so if your house is one of the ones currently under 2 feet of mud/water/raw sewage you have my sympathies. Come over, we have central heating and cooking and we�re at the top of a hill.
Christmas Day was just for me and L and I woke up early, surprisingly hangover-free bearing in mind the many MANY cocktails Sissy had made for me the night before. I stretched out in bed thinking about all the little things I was going to do to make the day special and fun and stress-free and OMIGOD I FORGOT THE ICECREAM MAKER! AND the two bottles of whisky. AND the box of special chocolates that were part of L�s Christmas present. In my drunken state of Christmas bonhomie and full of the kind of joy that only comes with being a bit drunk and realising that your dad is driving you home instead of having to do it yourself, I had left all the aforementioned at Sissy�s house. 50 miles away.
I tried, dear readers, I really tried, to think of ways I could manage without the forgotten items. L didn�t know I had got Sissy to procure the special chocolates on her last jaunt to Bruges. I could probably manage without the whisky if I drank Ginny Ton Tons all day instead�..but the ICE CREAM MAKER!!!! Well, that would just mean that there was no dessert for Christmas Dinner as I�d decided to make some extra fabulous rum �n� raisin as its L�s favourite and (even though it sometimes��often��always looks and sounds like I don�t) I do love him a little bit.
I dithered for about ten seconds, then I slithered out of bed without waking the comatose peacefully sleeping narwhal in the bed beside me, got dressed on the landing and sneaked downstairs. Leaving a note (�Haven�t left you. Back soon. x�) and sending a text (�Forgot xmas shizzle. On my way down. See you in an hour x�) I got in the car and drove away, back down to Sissy�s. 50 mins later I was in Sissy�s kitchen, glugging down a coffee and laughing about what I twat I am, then back in the car and back along the motorway, sneaking into my own house less than 2 hours after I left it, which isn�t bad when you consider the 100 mile round trip, the coffee, the laughing and the petrol station stop (to use the loo and get a peanut butter Kitkat � some journeys are just too arduous to undertake without comforts) . L was still in bed. Halfway through the mandatory Christmas fellatio, he said �I thought you�d left me.� My words count for nothing, obviously.
The ice cream was as fabulous as I expected and Sissy has let me keep the ice cream maker on long loan as I use it much more then she does and I cant afford to buy one (its one of those fancy ones with a condenser, so you don�t have to remember to put the churn in the freezer), which has meant we have been enjoying rather more frozen treats than we might ordinarily have thought necessary for the time of year (Oh, Espresso Granita, how I love you!).
Boxing Day (or �the day after Christmas� as my transatlantic friends unimaginatively call it) Treacle and Jooj came back, with Mater and Pater and we had a jolly old turkey-scoffin time of it. Gifts were opened and admired (especially the 135 year old, two volume edition of Vanity Fair that I got from Jooj which caused me to gasp out loud and then burst into tears) and many games of Cards Against Humanity were played. I am slightly unnerved that ALL the games of C.A.H. were won by Wee Treacle who has an evil turn of phrase to be sure.
Saturday
Im kinda bored with this now, and Im pretty sure you are, too.
Hector Riva didn�t come knocking at my door this morning with a giant Euromillions cheque. I think that was a bit shitty of him, all things considered. I would totally have shared it if Id won it. In fact, I�d already designed the logo for the Stepfordtart Charitable Foundation. Disadvantaged people ALL OVER THE WORLD were depending on me winning that money, Riva, and now theyre all suffering BECAUSE OF YOU. *shakes head*
Im just waiting for L to get back from the pub (he needs to get out on the roof this afternoon to take down the Christmas decorations and he cant do it without a stiffener or three) and then we�re going to have a walk down the river. Mostly to see how flooded it is. We have wellingtons and everything!
Later
S
x