And besides, Ive got too many other, more important, non-worky things to do that are taking up all my brain power and leaving nothing of any note that is worth passing on to reluctant teenagers.
I need to make a new pattern block. In case youre wondering, that�s the thing you make so that you can make sewing patterns. Its kind of a basic blueprint and then you do all kinds of clever shizzle to it to make it into sewing patterns for things you actually want to wear. I already have pattern blocks for skirt and bodice and trousers and sleeves but, when I fetched them out of my sewing archives I could see that, over the passage of the 20 years since I made them, they have most certainly shrunk. Its unusual for paper to shrink, sure, but that must be what has happened as the only other alternative would be that I have got considerably fatter over the last 20 years, and Im pretty sure that couldn�t possibly be true.
I think I have stayed the same gorgeous twinkly glamorous me, whilst the pattern blocks have shrunken down, in some hideous Dorian Grey-like fashion, into tiny travesties of the real me. A scale stepfie-model in doll-like proportions � with a teeny-weeny arse and a wasplike waist. Dainty of limb and slight of frame. No hint of the Jackie Pallo biceps and Reg Harris thighs you see before you these days, thats fersure.
So, I have to make myself some new pattern blocks which involves quite a lot of complicated maths and enormous amounts of tedious measuring. Luckily, I do my pattern cutting in metric � not only does it make the maths easier, its also impossible to tell if youre fat or not if you measure in metric.
For the benefit of my transatlantic readership, I would point out that England is still, by and large, an Imperial Measurements kind of place � at least amongst grownups. We measure by inches and miles and pounds and ounces by default and every grown up can visualise a 3� heel on a shoe, what half a pound of butter or a pint of milk looks like and how long it�ll take us to drive 30 miles. Most of us also know plenty about metric measurements too, and can convert from one to another without too much trouble. We just don�t. Not much.
So, even though I know that a metre is 39� (more or less) and could do the maths needed to measure myself in metric and then tell you my vital statistics in inches, its awfully convenient to just NOT BOTHER. Try it, my US friends! Measure yourself in metric and see if you can tell if that�s more, or less, than you think you measure. If your arse is 108cms, do you know if you�ve put on a bit of weight since the last time you measured yourself? Is a 65cm waist substantial or skinny? You don�t know, do you?! I rest my case. Measure in metric and remain blissfully unaware of your burgeoning portliness, my friends!
Ooh, while we�re on the subject of measurement, us Englishers do a VERY strange thing when it comes to temperatures. Particularly temperatures with regard to the weather. We measure in Centigrade/Celcius for cold temperatures and Fahrenheit for hot temperatures. Its TRUE! We DO! The changeover point is 20/68. Any lower than that and we default to Celcius. We�ll say �Ooh, chilly day today! Down to 2 degrees!� No English person, ever in the history of the world, ever said �Brrrrrr! 36! That�s Cold!�.
Once it starts getting warm, we swap to Fahrenheit. With temperatures up in the 80s, we know its time for sunhats and shorts. 28 degrees is a temperature which has no meaning. We don�t know how hot that is.
We know 20. We know we wont need a cardi if its 20. Because 20 is 68 and that�s warm enough for no cardi.
Just checked with the BBC Weather and its going to be 20 in Chigly tomorrow. No cardi required.
Because I mentioned Jackie Pallo, I just had to go on a little Youtube down memory lane and watch some nice cheesy 1970s wrestling. It reminds me very much of Saturday afternoons at my nan and grandad�s house, watching the wrestling with my granddad while he waited for the football results to come in so he could check his pools coupon.
I had kind of forgotten quite how crappy it was, but if youre used to the cavalcade that is Wrestlemania or any of those kind of things, you might find this quaintly amusing.