Shagnasty called me on Saturday � on the home phone. That�s pretty unusual for him as he prefers to text, probably because it means I cant argue with him without it eventually costing me 10p. He�s fond of the text, is Shagnasty. Sometimes, when he�s really really pissed off with me (like when Jooj dyed her hair light brown. In case you�re thinking that�s an appropriate thing to be ranting about, I�ll just point out that her natural hair colour is�umm�a very slightly different light brown) his texts will run into several pages. If I receive one while Im at work, I like to read it out in the staffroom, using his pompous arse voice, for the amusement of my colleagues. Especially if he�s used phrases like �I am their father and I expect�..� or �I thought that you would have realised that this is unacceptable to me��
Anyways, he phoned me and said �My dad�s in hospital�.
That was the beginning of 48 hours of him phoning me every couple of hours to tell me a bit more, which I would then have to relay to Treacle.
�My dad�s having an operation. They don�t think he�s going to survive it�
Grandad�s really poorly. Theyre going to try and operate on him and I know they�ll do their best . Just bear in mind Grandad�s quite an old man and he�s really very sick indeed.
�He survived the operation. His liver was bleeding and they�ve had to cut most of it away. He�s critical.�
Grandad�s had his operation and they�re trying really hard to help him to get better.
�My dad�s on life support�
Grandad�s fixed up to a machine that�s helping him breathe and helping his heart to beat. He�s still very very poorly . (�will he die, mum?� �I don�t know darling � but I do think its something we maybe need to think about. He really is very poorly�)
�My dad�s got kidney failure. *sniffs*���..�
Grandad�s kidneys aren�t working. Daddy�s very worried about him. .
�He�s on dialysis. If it hasn�t started working by 3pm theyre going to switch the life support off. And�and�and then he�ll die�
Theyre trying to get grandad�s kidney working again but�.ummm�.if it doesn�t work then maybe there wont be anything else they can do to help granddad get better. Im very sorry
�They switched it off����������������..*sniff*���.Im just waiting now�
Umm�.Grandad��umm�..he�.umm. *deep breath* He�s not going to get better Treac, they�ve had to switch off the machines that were helping him to stay alive. He�s like he�s asleep now and he wont be hurting from his operation but it wouldn�t be kind to try to keep him alive when his body wasn�t going to be able to get any better. Daddy�s with him, and so is Grandma. He�..ummm�.they�re waiting�.ummm� (Treacle cries)
Text 03:57 my dads gone
I told Treacle and Jooj this morning. Treacle stayed in bed for a little while and then she got up and asked to watch Man vs Food.
Jooj (who was party to all that stuff I was relaying to Treacle but had remained impassive throughout) said �Oh�.
I very much hope that Jooj finds a little streak of compassion in her heart but I fear that the racism, the homophobia, the misogyny, the blinkered intractable Daily Mail-ness of the man may have queered his pitch forever with his multi-cultural, live-and-let-live, not too picky about gender when it comes to relationships eldest grand-daughter. She�ll attend the funeral, but Im not sure she�ll mourn.
Me, on the other hand, I don�t know if it makes me more tolerant or less but I just remember a big fat bald ex-postmaster with a penchant for glamorous daughters-in-law with whom he could dance at Freemason�s Dinner Dances. I was no match for one of the others (there were four of us), who�d been a ballroom dance teacher, but I knew The Gay Gordons and we�d always dance it; too fast, too enthusiastic and with at least one of us occasionally screaming. The other one was surprisingly light on his feet, and would have a smile of devilment on his face which made him instantly a much younger man, in a ballroom somewhere else, a long time ago.
If you want to learn how to dance The Gay Gordons, it�s a bit like this:
�but don�t walk those first two sets of four steps � they should be skipped, with giant bouncy skips, ideally in an evening dress with a skirt really too tight for bouncy skipping.
I haven�t danced it for ten years or so now, but I think I should again. Jolly soon.