Im dead clever, me.

2009-10-12, 10:47 p.m.
Golly! Another week been and gone. I would like to say that I have spent the last week doing fabulously fabulous things and I am about to list them here for your delectation. I would like to say that�.but it would not be true. As is the norm these days, not a great deal has been happening and I will now attempt to make all that nothingness into..umm�.something.

I did, indeed, go out to dinner with Slaveboy (who ought to have a new nickname now as he is no longer my slave, but as I spent the whole evening ordering him up to the bar to fetch my drinks and generally telling him what to do, he shall stick with the Slaveboy moniker for the time-being at least). I do so love Slaveboy, he is mightily amusing. Every girl should have a gay guy pal to go out to dinner with. It's much more fun than going out with the girls (or even with the guys, in some cases!). If you go out with the girls, there IS the opportunity for bitching and gossiping but you still have to go through that charade of "no, I wont have a starter�I'm being GOOD this week" and "just the salad for me, no dressing, I had a half a grapefruit for lunch already"�."oooh, just ONE sticky toffee pudding, please�.and EIGHT spoons". Meh. I wouldn�t mind, but you know they're all going to get doner kebabs on the way home and wipe their greasy mouths on their Marksies cashmere blend.

If you go out with a guy, there's always the "Is he going to hit on me?"/"He hasn�t hit on me, am I a minger?" conundrum and also, there's always a huge list of 'food you cant eat on a date': spare ribs, spinach, spaghetti Bolognese, shell-on prawns, corn on the cob blah blah blah � in short, all the stuff you love but always end up getting all over your face and all down your shirt. All the stuff that has you tucking a tea towel into your collar when you eat it at home!

But a gay man?! Oh, joy! As much bitching and gossiping as you can take without going straight to hell PLUS proper food (we had pie and mash � yummy!) PLUS he'll tell you your suit is nice, recognize that its Windsmoor AND then not spend the rest of the evening trying to engineer seeing you out of it! JOY, Joy, JOY unabounding! AND (bonus!) L doesn�t worry I will go off with Slaveboy and be his lover�.which I suspect he does think a little bit when I go out with smashthegas. *snigger* Like I said, I LURRRVE Slaveboy. Especially as we have this kind of email conversation:

Me: Dude! No. 1 daughter is currently in love with John Barrowman. I must concede that he is quite cute, and a very sensible choice upon whom to have a crush as he is too old for her and clearly not particularly interested in girls. Would appreciate your take on the boy � is he a shining example of gaydom or is he one of the wendys we aren�t supposed to like (like Russell Grant)?

Slaveboy: �.As for John Barrowman, he is vile in every respect. That stupid, gurning, gyrating, jazz handed knob guzzler, makes me want to vomit. All gays hate him and he should be exterminated. He does not speak for us. He is dead to me. Can she not develop a crush on someone like Zac Effron or something more teeny? X

Honestly, dear readers, is there a better insult in the world than "jazz handed knob guzzler"? Heeheehee.


If you've been with me for, like, EVER you might remember a rather sad little co-worker and her hideously abusive boyfriend . Eventually she left Twat Inc and, unbelievably, moved to Wales to live with the quick-fisted, drunken, womanizing arsehole. Well, as could have been predicted, even by Mystic Meg, he did eventually try to kill her. Whilst details remain sketchy, it appears that after some kind of drink fuelled row, she made off into the night on foot and he chased her in his car. Then he ran her over. While she was in Intensive Care, her mother took out an injunction to prevent him even going to visit her and she is now back in Camberwick Green (thanks Ruby!) and he's looking at an attempted murder charge. I'll update y'all on that one again if it makes the 9 o'clock news.

Oooh, while we're on the subject of Twat Inc, Evil Dolores GOT THE SACK! Yep, I have been gone only four short months and she's already history. Total incompetence will out, is what I say. I totally resisted the urge to email Toast:

To: Toast, Twat Inc MD
From: Stepfie Stepfordtart-Geetarwife

Message: HA! I told you. I FUCKING WELL TOLD YOU!

I did do an actual really happyhappyjoyjoy dance at that one. It has given me immeasurable glee. Shadenfreude, thy name is Stepfie (didn�t I say Vanity was my name last time? Oh, whatever.)


And now, the news in brief:

Treacle had nits but they seem to be gone now

We went to Lidl and bought a piece of Emmental cheese which looked EXACTLY like Spongebob Squarepants. We tried to sing the Spongebob theme tune and work in some kind of cheese based puns but the closest we got was to yell SPONGEBOB CHEESEPANTS at each other and then fall about laughing. A prize for anyone who can write a few lines that I can pass off as my own work. Maybe.

Proving that he is at the forefront of technological advances, L has discovered Facebook. This means he can spend even more time than usual dicking about doing nothing and making it look like work � as every corporate whore knows, typing really fast looks like work to the casual observer, even if you are just commenting on someone's cute pictures of their dog. As he is an attention seeking ninny, feel free to friend him if you know his real name. If you don�t and you still want to be his friend, ask me and I'll tell you where to find him.

Jooj has landed some kind of job with the 'Youth' supplement of the local paper, reviewing books and bands and films and generally filling out her fledgling resume ready for her eventual attempts at global domination (or 'Features Editor of Kerrang' which seems to amount to the same thing as far as she tells it).

Im thinking about buying a new camera before we go on holiday � the old camera still isn�t talking to the laptop and there's shitloads of pictures I cant show you because of their feuding. Ive seen one on the telly that looks quite good but I cant remember what its called. Something to do with some people on a fairground ride. Although, there's also an ad with some fruit on a fairground ride which is remarkably similar. I think its for sweets, or maybe Vimto. Don't want to order the wrong thing and be wandering around Turkey in a fortnights time, holding a packet of Fruitellas up to my eye and going "click".

I had my final assessed facilitation session and I passed with top marks so now Im a proper accredited Department of Health Special Project type Facilitator thingy, which means I can do exactly the job Ive been doing for four months but now Ive got an A5 piece of vellumesque cardboard with my name on to prove it. *sigh*

One more assignment and I will have finished my Business Administration NVQ4. Overseas readers � that�s not a proper qualification. Its just one they made up for people like me. Old and clever underachievers. NVQ might actually stand for Not Valid Qualification for all I know. My assessor says a Level 4 is equivalent to a university degree. Either that�s not true or I am much much cleverer than I give myself credit for as it has been a piece of piss. Boring�..but a piece of piss nevertheless. What I shall do with these fabulous new qualifications, I know not. I think I'd like to do something different now. Being a charity project manager is�.umm�..a bit un-taxing. I'd like to work with children but I need to earn the big bucks. Meh.

That�s about all I got today � apart from that I have a big meeting tomorrow with the Partnership Liaison Manager of the organization that is funding my project at work. I had to do a marketing plan so I did my usual 85 pages of facts, figures and rhetoric and emailed it to my boss, asking her to take a look at the SWOT analysis and comment me before 10 tomorrow morning. I only did that because I know she doesn�t know what a SWOT analysis and I like to remind her how lucky she is to have me. In case you were wondering, its Strengths, Weaknesses, Objectives and Threats. Threats is probably what she's dreaming up right now in a "Smart arse cow! Who does she think she is? Sir John Harvey Fucking Jones? I'll show HER!" kind of way. Actually, I do look a bit like him. I think it�s the greasy hair and the wobbly pie-belly.

Later
S
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