Mammoth PhotoTASTIC entry!
2009-05-12, 7:41 p.m.
And this year's winner of "How Many Photos Can I Cram Into One Diary Entry" is��.Meeeeeeeeeeee!SO much to tell you about, dear friends, and almost NO time in which to do it so I'll try and squidge the goss in amongst the pictorial evidence and all should be right with the world.
Now, cast your minds back to eleventy bazillion years ago when I last updated and remember, if you will, that it was Smashie's Birthday weekender. Needless to say, when we weren�t drinking, eating icecream, gossiping or sleeping, we were�.ummm�.actually, no, that was pretty much the whole weekend covered. Gluttony and Sloth were our middle names. *thinks* Actually, I don�t have a middle name. Which one do you think would suit me better? Gluttony or Sloth? Those of you who know my Real Life name would probably concede that Sloth would probably just tip it over the edge of "accepotable number of S's to have in one's name" so I guess it had better be Gluttony. In a spirit of Chavtasticness, I shall spell it ick-zot-ik-lee thus:
Gluh-Toeni.
But I digress. Here is me and smashie after breakfast (but before icecream) doing Giggling in the Garden
In the evening, as previously mentioned, we (me and Smashie, L and Visiting-Australian-Eliot) dined at the Kachina (*snigger*). This photo was taken just milliseconds before L got sweet and sour sauce all down his shirt.
And when we couldn�t eat any more we went to the workies and got cozy on the moquette banquette
As soon as we had regained enough strength to lift our arms, we lifted our arms. Cheers!
Back home at The Palace of Many Sins we sat about for a bit, complaining about how much we'd eaten. Then me and Smashie worked it all off with a vigorous game of Sucker Gun Suicide. I'd like to thgink I won, but I cant actually remember that far back. I like this photo loads cos the combo of perspective and angle and Smashie being loads bigger than me makes me look TITCHY! Like a tiny elf woman or something, and that doesn�t happen very often.
I played Sucker Gun Suicide by myself yesterday and I used both guns, in a 'shoot out' stylee. Im just as awesome a shot with my left hand as I am with my right. This pleases me. I have never fired a real gun but Im pretty sure I would be totally fabulous at it, in a Lara Croft's Mum kind of way.
Even longer ago than Smashie's birthday, in fact when Moses' dad was looking at Moses' mum with a bit of a twinkle in his eye, I made a christening cake for Natalie. It had little icing flowers on it
And was altogether pretty much lovely, especially when I had added real rose leaves amongst the sugar flowers (not in the picture, unfortunately, as I didn�t think of it until about 2 seconds before I handed the cake over!)
I would make more cakes like this if I thought there would be any money in it, but when you can buy a decorated cake in most supermarkets for less than a tenner, I cant really compete � no amount of "but this one's got real butter in it and has been made with LOVE", would win against cold hard economics. Meh.
And THEN, when I had just got used to not having Smashie here (the night after he went back home, I slept in the spare room because L was snoring like a big ole walrus. I hadn�t changed the sheets and when I woke up in the morning, I could smell Smashie's "beauty products" on my face. I felt oddly like I'd been somehow unfaithful! Bizarre!), I had to then get used to not having a job any more!
Evil Dolores waited til Tuesday afternoon to ask me if I could�..wait for it��. "write down a little list of all the duties you have��.and how you do them".
I made a massive list of "Essential Departmental Functions". It was about three pages long. It included everything that really HAS to be done to get the department to work properly. Then I went to HR and said "Why is Evil Dolores asking me to do this? If it wasn�t humiliating enough, how come she doesn�t already know what I do as she is the one making me redundant". HR Lady made that same "O" mouth that she made before and said she couldn�t think of a single reason why I should have to produce such a document.
On Wednesday, I had a meeting with Toast at which I explained my willingness to return as a consultant 'just in case changes you've put in place lead to other, unexpected, changes'. He agreed that my services might prove extremely useful in that eventuality. Then he gave me �100 worth of John Lewis vouchers "from the company, in recognition of�umm�well, its kind of a thank you, really". Call me old fashioned but I never heard of a person getting made redundant and getting what amounts to a present from the company getting rid of them. None of the other 8 people who left that week got a present. Of any kind. I smell a rat. Im not sure what kind of rat just yet, but a rat nonetheless. Oh, and I told Toast about the Essential Functions list.
In my Exit Interview, Evil Dolores thanked me about fifty times for my professionalism and my support. I told her that I felt that she (and others) had abused my natural desire to help (!) by 'emptying out of my head all my historical industry knowledge and then deciding I had served my useful purpose'. Actually, I only gave her about 5% of my historical industry knowledge. It�s the rest of it she'll actually need! Oh, and that list of Essential Departmental Functions? I posted it on the shared directory and told her where she might find it��but I never did get around to explaining how to do ANY of the Essential Functions therein!
Ah well.
Barely had I had time to get used to being a Social Security Scrounger than we get a visit from our most fabulous friends Tam and Tom Dale . Don�t worry, I'll wait while you click on him and see just what utterly fantastical company we keep. And look! Here they are:
Its been toooooo long since we saw them last so there was much joy abounding, especially when they brought with them Gifts of Most Perfectness (photos next time) and many many harmonicas
As the least talented person in the house, it was coolness itself to be able to just do this just for one song!
We both have our eyes closed because one of us is concentrating really really hard and is a bit drunk and the other one is just a bit drunk. You may use your own judgement to decide which is which.
Harmonicas are cool aren�t they? Some are massive and some aren't
And 'Oh When the Saints' can be played on even the teeniest of 'em!
Of course, it was only a matter of time before someone needed a Star Wars drink*
and when one person has a Star Wars drink, its only a matter of time before EVERYONE has to have a Star Wars drink.
Don�t worry � the kids had Bin Juice**.
Strange thing, having someone in your house who habitually wears a hat. All of a sudden, everyone wants to wear a hat. Treac had to borrow one
But L had his own. I think I might have to sepia this one and make them look even more like a pair of gay extras in a cowboy film.
The thing is with musicians, they always have to be being musical. Whether they're dueling with their respective banjos
(yes, yes, I know L has a guitar and not a banjo but they were still dueling. I think Tom won. Mostly cos he did actually know the tune and what he was supposed to play). L had a go on the lapslide, too. He sounded pretty much OK. Well, OK, anyway. I think next time we shall have to force Tom to play some Latin, then maybe L wont look such a pillock.
Tam did a henna tattoo for me. Its barely noticeable, even on my super-pale skin, but that�s probably cos it wasn�t proper henna bought from a proper smelly hippie but was a kids "Body Art" kit that I found in the back of a cupboard � probably confiscated from one of my kids when they were going through their "tattoo your face" phase. Treac once came home from her dad's house with a multicoloured dolphin on her forehead. Mercifully it was temporary and a good rub with some Cif and a green scourer taught her a valuable lesson. Mostly "Don�t piss mummy off", I think.
I need to get some proper henna. Im not keen to have a permanent tattoo but I dooooo like how the henna one looked and it will be properly gone long before I get bored with it. Tam said "I'd be getting my fucking money back if Id paid for a henna tattoo that looked like that", but I still love it.
In the evening, there were visiting children (drawn, doubtless, like moths to the flame of 'slightly drunk adults. And a fire pit') which meant we could toast marshmallows and make Smores and get sneaky photos of Jooj's BF.
That�s Jooj, Un-named Child with Red Face, Jooj's BF.
Next day, after lots of faffing about, there was proper work to be done � laying down some tracks for a song that L's producing.
I haven�t heard the track yet. Im given to understand that its 'awesome'.
While that was going on (and after Id taken Tam to Primark where many and several jolly cheap articles were purchased, including a pink crochet mini dress for �3 which makes me look even more like a boiled ham) I cycled, YES CYCLED!, over to WifeSwapville to help with Treacle's class cookery lesson. We made banana muffins. It was great fun. Why cant I find a job that pays the same as being a corporate whore but lets me goof around with kids and have people (the teacher) say "thank you SO much for coming in, its been fabulous!" before I hop on my bike and go home? No fair.
Off to visit my sis tomorrow. Supposed to be planning my next onslaught into the world of the employed, but I suspect we will sit around drinking tea and talking about boys.
Later
S
x
Glossary
* Star Wars drink � lurid coloured beverage, with incongruous accoutrements, in the style of those served up in the alien bar in the original Star Wars film. In this case it was vodka (lots!) and cherryade (little bit!).
** Bin Juice � non-alcoholic beverage consisting half-and-half cola and orange juice. Sounds disgusting, looks worse, tastes surprisingly nice. Called Bin Juice because it looks uncannily like the kind of murky brown liquid found at the bottom of the kitchen bin (trashcan).