Loads of words! (its Becca's fault!)

2009-02-09, 9:44 p.m.
I saw this on bitterwineuk�s diary and was all keen to have a go. Im sure once she sees how much Ive burbled on she�ll wish she just ignored my whiny plea to join in!

Here's how it works:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by e-mailing you 5 questions.
3. You update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You include this explanation and an offer to interview others.
5. When you receive the comment from another, you will send them 5 questions.

Here�s the questions Becca sent to me (and my answers):

1.You are still quite a newly-wed, how does this marriage differ to your first marriage and what ideals and dreams do you have for your future together?

Funnily enough, I don�t really remember too much about the beginning part of my first marriage. We had plenty of money and no kids so we could basically do whatever we wanted. Trouble is, we didn�t know what we wanted! I don�t remember ever really �connecting� with my first husband. I don�t mean that we clashed all the time but it was more like the sort of relationship that you might have with a friendly colleague � we got along well enough and were (mostly!) able to get through the day without yelling at each other but aside from sharing the practical considerations of our life together�there wasn�t much else there. We did like some of the same things (like travel, for instance) but looking back I can�t help thinking that we were �companions� for each other. It was like going on a business trip and taking someone you get on OK with from the office with you so you didn�t have to be on your own. My first husband wasn�t exactly �cold�, he was just sort of �self-contained� � he didn�t need the emotional attachment that turns an acquaintance into a friend (or a lover!).

L�s first wife was in love with the idea of being married to a musician. The horrible reality is, of course, that its NOT glamorous or fun or anything like that. Its just the same as being married to any other self-employed man � unless you�re astonishingly lucky you�re going to have periods where you have no money coming in and its very easy to wish that yer ole man had a �proper� job like all your friends husbands. Add to that the fact that L had already decided that he did not want to marry her but was too scared/embarrassed/ashamed to call the whole thing off. His mother offered to give him money to �escape� but he considered he was in too deep and wasn�t able to go through with breaking his engagement.

To both of us, the idea that we might one day re-marry was utterly preposterous�.until it happened. And then we were �Oh. Hang on. This is BRILLIANT�. Neither of us were in the slightest bit nervous, it was just like we had been fumbling around in the dark and someone had just switched on a light.

Obviously we�re a bit too long in the tooth to be thinking about having more children, although we both very much regret that it will never happen. L is a fabulous and very much-loved stepfather and we both hope that we will one day be reconciled with his children too.

Corny tho it sounds, we don�t dream of great wealth and success (although they�d both be nice!), we just want to grow old together with our family around us.

2. How far do you encourage your daughters� dreams and what they want for the future? Where do you draw the line with older kids when it comes to simple encouragement and being realistic?

When I was about 15, I told my headmistress that I wanted to go to drama school. She told me that my parents would be horrified, that they had sacrificed so much for me to attend that school in the first place (I had got a scholarship to a private school and was very much the �poor relation� in comparison to my peers. We were constantly playing catch up), and that, as an academic, I had a duty to my parents to get a �proper� job. She was my headmistress and had been doing that job for years and so I believed her. I fucked around at college for a couple of years, got a swathe of A Levels and thought I might go and teach English. Then I heard my English Lit teacher teach a lesson on Romeo and Juliet and do the �wherefore art thou Romeo� speech as though Juliet was looking for the lad. When I pointed out that �wherefore� meant �why� and not �where� she looked totally confused. I didn�t want to be a teacher after that � I lost all respect for it as a profession, that someone could be THAT ill-informed and yet still be in charge of educating, so I drifted into office work, doing other stuff in between times (mural painter, vocal coach, barmaid, dressmaker) and now I�m here, at 42, doing a job I hate. I was nearly into my 30s before I spoke to my parents about this and found that they would not have cared at all if I had gone to drama school and that they were, frankly, a bit surprised that Id chosen to go into office work. We�re not big on communication, me and my folks.

Consequently I�ve made it very clear to my daughters that they can be pretty much whatever they want to be if they have the right level of determination and hard work� no matter how far-fetched it might seem. I�ve tried to make them understand that to have a job that you love is not a silly dream � currently they are hankering after careers as an investigative journalist (Jooj) and a marine biologist (Treacle). They may change their minds a thousand times but they know that they must do whatever they really truly wish to do and that they must do it as well as they possibly can. They are both exceptionally talented academically but I really don�t care if I have bred a waitress and a dustbin(wo)man as long as they are the best at waiting tables and collecting bins as they can possibly be and that each working day makes them happy and fulfilled. Having been both pretty rich and pretty poor I think I can quite safely say that neither makes you happier, its getting the best you can out of life that makes you happy. They have a perfect case in their stepfather who never wanted to be anything else other than a musician, despite being told at age 13 that he would never be anything other than �quite a good player� (anyone who wants to listen to �quite a good player� can email me for some sound files!) � they recognize that you CAN be whatever you want to be, although the hours spent slogging away at scales and arpeggios isn�t particularly appealing to them at the mo!

When the time comes for them to be making life choices (and its coming round quicker than Id like with Jooj being 13 now) I will support whatever they want to do and they will know that they are making their choices for them, and not for me. I�m also aware that I will have to fight their father for their right to make those choices as, to him, anything that doesn�t involve putting on a suit in the morning cant really be considered a �proper� job and anything that doesn�t make enough money for you to live in the �burbs and drive a beemer is just time wasting.

As you mentioned �being realistic� I would also say that I�m not a fan of the �blind praise� that some parents heap on their children either. I still say �that�s fantastic!� to every bit of artwork they bring home, of course, but I do temper it with �remind me to show you another way to draw eyes which can make them look more �alive�� or �houses can be hard, cant they? You did a good job with the perspective there but don�t forget leaves grow all around a tree branch and not just at the ends. Lets have a look in the garden and see if I can show you what I mean � bring your sketch book.�

I want my daughters to be the best that they can be � but only they can decide on what scale they�re measuring �best�.

3. What would be your ideal job and how much of your time would you devote to it if it was suddenly offered to you with the right paypacket?

Well, having said all that to No. 2 above, I�ve really had to think about this one. Before I had the children I would have said actor/singer/personal shopper blah blah blah and even working in an office I would probably have said something like �to be a director of this company�. I studied pattern cutting and love fashion � a theatrical costumier would combine my love of theatre with my love of sewing but even then I know it would be less about creating the one-off show-stopping feather and rhinestone extravaganza and more about darning the holes in dancers� tights.

However, once I had the children it really did change my focus. Bearing in mind what I�ve said above about being the best at a job that you can possibly be, I do really think that I would like to be able to fill in �wife and mother� in the Occupation box. I would very much have liked to have been able to home-school my children (my first husband refused point blank to discuss it) � that�s probably the teacher in me � and I still like nothing better than one of them coming to me and starting a sentence with �Mu-um, what�..?�

I am sure there are those that would say �well, why don�t you then?� to all of the above but I have to recognize that I have a duty to provide for my family and that they come before any selfish wishes of mine.

Its well documented in my diary that I hate my job but I AM good at it and it brings in enough money to pay the mortgage and put food on the table, even when L�s �income spreadsheet� is looking a bit thin. I would like to change jobs and would like a job that doesn�t make me cry in the car on the way home but at least now I can get home at a reasonable hour, breathe a sigh of relief, start cooking dinner and know that there are people there who love me and are pleased to see me. That�s worth any amount of job dissatisfaction and a fatter paypacket wouldn�t make up for not seeing L and my girls.

4. You have �500 available to spend today only and have to spend as much of it as possible. What do you go and buy?

Hmmm. �500. That�s a strange amount. It neither life changingly huge or insignificantly small. A few years ago, the answer would�ve been �a pair of Ferragamo mules and another sequined cardi�. A few years before that it would have been �the rent and the gas bill�.

If I really DID have �500, and because I am The Master at making money stretch as far as possible, I might have trouble getting through it in a day � I like to consider my purchases quite carefully to make sure I couldn�t have gotten more for my money.

If I can share it out evenly with L and the girls I could probably dispatch it quite quickly � it would be nice to say �what would you like, darling?� and just go and buy it. I say �No. We cant� far too often. Ive got a few friends I�d like to treat, too.

If I had to spend it all myself I�d like to get a massage and maybe a suit for work that, when I wear it, people don�t go �ooh, I love it that you wear vintage�. For �vintage�, read �all your clothes are old and out of fashion�.

Maybe I�d just stock up the freezer and the larder and know that I wouldn�t be emptying The Blue Pig of Saving Up for Stuff for change for bread and milk and a slab of cheese at the end of the month for a while!

A bottle of shampoo would be good, too - I had to wash my hair with ylang ylang bubble bath this morning as I live in a household of people pathologically indisposed to let me know when we�ve run out of something.

Oh, and a bottle of whisky would be nice. Very nice.

5. Finally, I know you and your hubby are quite musical. Define your relationship with a song title or some lyrics!

I�ve tried to think of something clever here � I had an answer within about two seconds of reading the question but I kept thinking �Oh I must be able to do better than that!� � There are so many songs and pieces of music that have significance for us, and I don�t mean just in terms of �our song� or anything like that.

Music is an enormous part of both our lives and defines so many things that have happened in the time we�ve been together. I can list about a hundred with special meanings (see Youtubery below!edit: Youtube hates me today - the clip wont load!) but I keep coming back to the same old thing. I think it totally sums up the massive relief we both felt once we were married and realized that we meant every word of our marriage vows with every fibre of our being and that the magnitude of what we had just said and done meant that we would never have to feel the pains that we had felt before we found each other:

�Alright now. Baby, its alright now.�

Cos it is.

Later
S
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