Woman, on mobile phone, clearly agitated (and getting ever more so): Tell me! Just tell me! Tell. Me. What. You. Did. Tell Me!!!..................You got a tattoo? Oh My G��..of a Cr�me Egg Barcode?���.on your wrist!!.......................OH MY GODDDDDD!!!........I cant believe you did that!!....I cant fucking believe it!!!!.......WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING??????.....Err, *snigger* have you got a camera on your phone? Can you send me a picture?
Stepfordbro, as I have documented here before, is rich as Croesus. Mostly cos he is single (with a long term girlfriend who doesn�t �live in�) and has lived in the same little apartment since he was 25. He�s now 43. Lemme hear you say �almost paid off the mortgage!� So he�s planning to retire long before he turns 50 and is looking to move to the US when he finally hangs up his accountant�s pencil. He�s been over several times house-hunting and is going back in September to view another half-dozen or so properties which he can �do up, rent, just go for holidays. Whatever really�. He showed me some that he�s thinking of buying in New Hampshire. Can you believe that this is someone�s idea of a �second home�?
For the money he will have to fork out for that gorgeous house which stands in nearly an acre of land, he could get�.ummmm�..a one bedroom flat in ChavVille. Hmm. No contest really, is there!
He has generously said I can go there for holidays.
*weep*
As payment for his dinner, (roast pork tenderloin with a honey and mustard crust, roast potatoes, vegetables and gravy followed by vanilla spongecake and chocolate custard!) he went out into the garden and tried to retrieve Jooj and Treac�s giant Frisbee which has been stuck in the brambles in our garden for about four weeks.
We�ve all had a go at getting it back, with a wide selection of pointy poles, sticks etc but, to be honest, it was held fast. Stepfordbro is a Financial Controller for one of the country�s largest car retailers. He�s used to getting his own way and wasn�t about to be beaten by brambles. Even those so thick you�d kind of expect to find a Sleeping Beauty Castle to be in there somewhere.
With the hooky thing we use to open the vents in the conservatory he could reach through the prickles and get a fairly good jab at the Frisbee��..resulting in it getting wedged even further in.
�Fuck it�, he said, �Get me a ladder�. I made some half-arsed protests about the ladder being too heavy to lean on the fence but he just looked at me like I was retarded and went off to get the ladder. I went to get the camera. If he was going to have a You�ve Been Framed moment, I was at least going to capture it. I also thought it might come in handy if he did actually, erm, DIE or something and I could show my mum and dad that it wasn�t my fault.
Instead of leaning the ladder on the fence, though, he leaned it ON A BUSH, saying something in an authoritative voice about �load distribution� or something. I was laughing so hard I could hardly hold the camera as he wobbled his way to the top, still holding the hooky-stick-window-winder-thingy.
There was some f-ing and blinding and I ran round to the other side of the fence to the field (with a rake) to see it I could get closer. I couldn�t. So I ran back into the garden to see that he�d moved the ladder and was now RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PRICKLY BUSHES!!! Naturally I was singing �I know you, I walked with you once uponnnn a dreeeeeeam� by now. And he was being VERY un-Prince Philip-like and telling me to fuck off.
And then. And THEN!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! With a Rrrrrrrrrriiipppp and a tangle and a clattering of the ladder and a load more �Fuck! OW! Fuck!����..it was out!
In the best tradition of game-fishing, I bring you Stepfordbro, wobbly ladder, hooky-stick thing aaaaaaaaand Rescued Giant Frisbeeeeeeeeeee.
If I could type a fanfare here, I would.
Jooj and Treac even tore themselves away from the telly to cheer at this point and Stepfordbro said �Yeh. Well. Take the bloody thing over the field next time, yeh?� in the normal miserable grumpy voice he uses for everything.
Yay!
Later
S
x
L just found a piece of Shropshire Blue cheese in the back of the fridge with a sell-by date of October 07. He's eating it.
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