1. Post these rules.
2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about their self on their journal.
3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 8 people
4. No tag-backs.
5. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
8 Things:
1. I�ve done this before so I feel under enormous pressure to do it again�but better. Actually, I feel under enormous pressure every day, about everything. I remember reading about gravity on other planets and how if we lived on (insert name of planet with shitloads of gravity � look, I just read the articles, I don�t retain the important bits), then we would all be squished flat, like we�d been run over and would be moving about the place like human flatfish. I feel like that. But more inadequate.
2. I gave my entire class (don�t get excited, thats only 16 girls) a lesson on how to perform a blow job. We were on the school field at the time, sat in a circle, having lunch in between O level exams, summer of 1983. I used an ice pole (popsicle?) as a prop. I�d like to think it was a successful lesson and that there are several husbands and boyfriends around the world who are rolling their eyes back in their heads and gasping �where the fucking hell did you learn to do THAT?�. Over the years, I have perfected the technique still further and would like to call a class reunion to provide necessary updates. Blowjob 2.1. In these days of safe sex, it could also include a module on �hands free condom application� if you like.
Lest you think I am bragging unnecessarily and that I only *think* I give good blowjobs because I have lots of sex and am enthusiastic about the subject, please bear in mind that almost all of my boudoir based skills were honed in a completely dispassionate way. Until not too many years ago, I found sex a complete bore. It really didn�t do much for me and was something I did because�well�that was what you DID. Consequently, I was constantly striving to find something that would make ME go weak at the knees. Being dispassionate meant that I paid attention, I listened and I tried all sorts of things in all sorts of ways, to find out what worked best. Hell, sometimes I even said �what feels better?.......that?........or that?� � its astonishing what you can find out by asking!
3. My children and my husband are incredibly important to me and I would feel that I had failed as a person if I did not make them as happy as they could possibly be. If I have to cry in a play (remember The Accrington Pals and the nightly emotional breakdown?) I just think of them being unhappy and that does it for me. Every time. Never be too busy or too tired for a hug and a kiss, girls and boys. You might not get asked for one again. Of course, this does mean that your nearest and dearest will sometimes have big floury handprints on them and facepack goo on the bits you kissed, but, hey.
4. I really need to go and get my teeth fixed. I cant find an NHS dentist and, if I could, I could not afford to pay him. I need a couple of fillings and, the day before my wedding, I broke off half of one of my molars, eating a granary bread sandwich. Fucking granary bread. Its like eating gravel. There are now a few foods that are strictly off limits and I expect the list to grow ever longer as time passes. I am too young to have a list of foodstuffs which hurt my teeth. Sadly, I am also too broke to do much about it. Im also pretty scared of going to the dentist.
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5. If I could, I would wear glittery, sequinny clothes EVERY DAY. I find regular clothes tedious in the extreme and didn�t wear jeans at all for many years because they just seemed such a cop out. Lets face it, most women wouldn�t wear the same pair of mid blue tatty regular trousers with every top/sweater/shirt they own, regardless of style, so why make the exception for jeans? I do wear them now, of course, but I�d really prefer not to. They make me feel dowdy, unimaginative and charmless. Perhaps this could explain why I love trashy underwear so much. I can indulge my love of the sequin, the glitter, the bow and the ruffle, yet still appear respectable and conformist. My underwear is frankly ridiculous. It shimmers, sparkles and shines. It is multi-hued and dazzling. It has pointless adornments. I revel in its uncomfortableness cos I KNOW I look FABulous. All I need is a giant feathered headdress��..
6. I am astonishingly short-tempered and am regularly milliseconds away from causing death and destruction. I am also very good at keeping it in check as I have become aware over the years that my temper tantrums are very very short-lived affairs and almost as soon as the murderous thought/word/deed has formed in my brain, I am penitent and contrite. Sometimes the object of my vitriol will not even realized they have been targetted as I will have moved on to the �I love you so much, let me do this nice thing for you� stage without the vile bit ever becoming apparent. I frequently make myself cry with the mean things I have thought about saying or doing. Maybe I have issues. Maybe Im just a bit of a cow. Either way, people tend to think that I am nicer than I really am.
7. I have real money worries. Despite earning a good salary and having all the trappings of wealth (big house, sports car, nice clothes), I am constantly scrimping and scraping to make ends meet. Finding a forgotten pound coin in a jacket pocket is like winning the fucking lottery. Every month is a scramble to see if we can manage all the bills without borrowing. L�s studio has taken every cent that we had (and plenty that we didn�t) and we are on a knife edge of insolvency. He would kill me if he knew Id told you this. Well, not kill me, obviously, cos he is a weed, but he�d certainly not be very chuffed. My weekly grocery bill MUST NOT exceed �30 (UK readers: feel free to be astonished!) or I have to forego something else that Im supposed to pay for. I am pretty sure it will all work out OK in the end but its constantly on my mind.
8. I love to cook! I�ll cook anything! I will get the crappiest old bits of nothing out of the fridge and make an appetising dinner out of �em. Mostly out of necessity, obviously (see above) but also because I can. Ive posted recipes up here before and they seem to have been pretty well received, so as an end note to this little missive, heres a recipe for Pavlova. Pavlova, dear friends is not hard and white and brittle and in a box at asda. Its creamycrispymeltychewy. And its easy peasy to make:
Big Puffy Pile of Pavlova
Crisp and melty on the outside and all fluffy and gooey in the middle. Nothing like those hard white styrofoam monstrosities they sell in the supermarket.
4 egg whites (or five if they�re a bit small)
250g/8oz caster sugar (use the golden one if you want to feel slightly more virtuous)
1 teaspoon malt vinegar (Yup. The brown one you put on fish and chips)
1 teaspoon cornflour
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
Heat the oven to 120�C (fan oven), 130�C (ordinary oven), 250/260�F.
Mix together the vinegar, cornflour and vanilla in a little dish or something that three teaspoonfuls of stuff wont get lost in.
Whisk the egg whites with an electric mixer unless you have biceps of steel and half an hour to spare. Once they start looking white and foamy add a bit of the sugar and keep whisking. Carry on adding sugar and whisking until all the sugar�s used up and the mixture is stiff and shiny and white. Then whisk in the yucky brown vinegar mixture and, guess what, whisk a bit more. This all seems a bit labour intensive, but actually only takes about ten minutes.
Put a piece of silicon paper on a baking tray � if the paper keeps curling up, run the tray under the tap to wet it and stick the paper onto the wet tray. Spoon the whisked meringuey mixture onto the paper and spread it into a 10� circle. If you are a bit rubbish at guesswork, you can draw a circle in pencil on the reverse side of the silicon paper before you put it on the baking tray � you should be able to see the pencil mark through the other side. To be honest, it doesn�t have to be exact, a bit rough-and-ready is always good with a squishy pudding, I find.
If you can be bothered, try to get the edges of the circle of meringue to be a bit higher than the middle, to create a kind of hollow in the centre. If you are particularly culinarily blessed (in which case, why are you reading this twaddle? You already KNOW how to make Pavlova), you can use a piping bag to pipe the meringue into a circle and then pipe rosettes around the edge to form �walls�, but I actually think (having done it once or twice) that�s a bit over-spec.
Put the Pavlova in the oven and immediately turn the oven down to 100�C (fan), 110�C (regular), 200/225�F and leave for an hour. Turn off the heat and leave to cool in the oven. Don�t open the door!
When its completely cooled down, carefully peel off the silicon paper and put the Pavlova on a serving dish. Don�t worry if it cracks and looks a bit squished, that�s half the charm! You might find it easier to put the whole thing, paper and all, onto the serving dish and then to peel the paper away from underneath, like sticking a transfer on � don�t be tempted to rub hard with the back of a spoon tho, will you! Fill the hollow � remember that bit? - with whipped cream, fruit, Angel Delight (oh, give over! You know you want to), cr�me patissiere (uses up all the left over egg yolks. Result!) or whatever you fancy.
We had left over raspberry sorbet in ours.
Serve. To gasps of astonishment all around. Probably.
Handy tip: If it falls to bits, you can stick it back together quite successfully with dollops of cream. No-one will notice. Guaranteed.
Later
S
x
PS I forgot to tag anyone. Bum. If you want to do it, go ahead.
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