You Wouldnt Hit a Girl With Glasses, Would You?
2008-08-01, 8:09 p.m.
Eee! Its been a while, hasn�t it! My how you�ve all grown!Sorry Ive been away for so long, my little chums. Its all been a bit crap. The business trip was astonishingly long and boring in a very long and boring type way. I tried to keep up to speed with all my goings on while I was away but this is as far as I got. I put it in italics so you can just skip over the next bit if you like. I wont mind.
Wednesday 6.30pm
Right. Now Im officially fucked right off. Here, in a �name and shame� stylee, Id like to bitch about the Marri0tt M@nchester Airp0rt. After a four hour journey in a car with M�linda, who chain smoked pretty much the whole way here, stopping only for a tepid BK Chicken Royale at Warwick Services, what I was most looking forward to was a wee gander at the internet, amusing myself for an hour or two playing Linky Linkerson with you guys. But, in a spirit of parsimoniousness, the cucking funts at Marri0tt, will only let me ponce off access their internet connection if I part with �15.
Friday 7.50pm
Just got back to my room after yet another 14 hour day only for the light fitting to fall out of my bathroom ceiling and smash all over the bath, just as I was about to go have a well-earned shower. There�s broken glass everywhere and Im very VERY fucked off. Im waiting for maintenance to come and deal with it. Thus far, they are somewhat lacking in the �due expediency� department.
Friday 8.10pm
Maintenance man just turned up. Looked very surprised to see me wrapped in a towel but was courteous and polite so I guess I cant moan too much about that. Housekeeping lady now hoovering glass out of bath! Im ten minutes late for dinner with my co-workers and I haven�t had a shower yet. I smell so much that there is a cloud over my head. Like Pigpen from Peanuts. There�s no hot water anywhere in the hotel as the boiler is broken. Im going to have a little cry now.
As you can see, hardly setting the world on fire, was I. Actually, there was no need for me to do any setting on fire at all, as Manchester and environs were hotter than hell for the whole time I was there. I worked the show for three days and managed to rack up 3 and a half days flexi time during those three days, so you can see what kind of stupid hours we were working each day. Still, Troy and Toast were delighted with what we achieved, me and Juicy and M�linda and Taff. Also accompanying us on the trip were HorsePiss, and her two slaves (sorry, too unremarkable to be given pseudonymns). They did fuck all all the time we were there to the extent that when we got back to the office a large amount of whistle blowing and dirt dishing was done. I fear repercussions as HorsePiss is a director but, to be honest, she can fuck off.
We play a game in the office sometimes, called Twat Inc Grudge Match, in which we speculate on the outcome of hypothetical fist fights between two co-workers of our choice. In the last game we played, I was the �winner stays on� contestant as M�linda, Juicy and Slaveboy went through a list of colleagues who wouldn�t make it past the first round with me. I carried on working while they speculated:
What about Toast?
Ha! No way. He�d be dead.
NITG?
Nope. Dead.
South African Accounts Lady? She�s quite feisty.
*SAAL looks up from her ledger* No fucking way! I wouldn�t take her on!
The Call Centre?
*long pause while they run through the 30 or so people working there* Nope.
Horse Piss?
�������.oooh. OOOOOoooh. That would be Goooooood. That would go the full 12 rounds!.....................................................................................................................Stepfie would still win though, wouldn�t she?
Oh, GOD yes!
I haven�t had a fist fight in over twenty years. I am slightly ashamed that my co-workers see me as some kind of pugilistic champion. In truth, now that Capt Skiver and CrackAsh Lola have left, the only one I could cheerfully smack straight in the chops is Horse Piss. I very much hope she is intending to try to get her own back for the dissing we�ve given her. The Staff Handbook is very clear on the protection of whistleblowers�..and I really would love to smack her one.
Anyway. I digress.
I realised I hadn�t posted any of the Fancy Dress pics, so here, without further ado, is my husband, the silly Clint
And further proof, if proof were needed, that he is unable to take a photo of me where I don�t look retarded, or fat, or both
Note, dear readers, that the black and white wig I am wearing, when shot against the black background of the patio doors, makes me look like I only have half a head. Or something. Also, the attractive tan lines around my porky thighs. *sigh*
In other news, I have finally succumbed to the fact that I am now older than Methuselah�s nan and have had to go get some glasses, so I can see my computer screen. I thought the one�s I chose were pretty much OK, but I appear to be channelling Jenny �clair
Oh, and this is the one I sent to Smash, whereupon he emailed straight back a shitload of laughing abuse and a message to say that I looked like his Aunt Janet. Somehow, his tone told me that wasn�t a good look
Smash is clearly misinformed as L thinks I am Hottie McHot in them and has been having all kinds of Secretary/Boss type fantasies � not the Maggie Gyllenhall thing, more Secretary City. He�s a man of simple tastes. Its only a matter of time before I have to do the stilettos/shorthand pad/sit on my lap and take this down type thing, Im sure. If he suggests wearing them to bed, I shall of course comply. Mostly cos he will be all blurry (as they really ARE just for working on the PC) and I will be able to pretend that he is younger and better looking. In fact, I may just look at myself in them too. I shall be blurry, yet gorgeous. Homemade airbrushing by Asda Optometrists!
And on that note, Im off down the jolly old pub and will do a proper update later on this weekend.
Ooo, before I forget, I DID pay for internet access while I was in the hotel, and I diligently watched all the clips and links that you all sent me. Tim�s poem (yup. That one!) has been committed to memory but I have yet to pick an outright winner. Part of this is obviously due to my disappointment that despite my astonishingly heavy handed hints (being alone, taking toys with me, swigging whisky, L refusing to �load films� etc etc), absolutely NONE of you sent me any filth. Im shocked. *shakes head*
What�s the world coming to when you cant get pornographic links sent to you by strangers on the internet. I despair, I really do.