Buk Buk Buk Buh-KAAAAA (the noise a hen makes, you idiot!)
2008-05-27, 11:34 p.m.
Hi Everyone.First off, an apology for the locking up � I emailed round some photos of my hen night to some of the girls in my office this morning, not realising that, as I�d taken them from my photobucket album, every time you roll your mouse over a pic, my user name flashes up. As it�s the same as the one I use here, it�s obviously not a quantum leap for someone with nosey-bastard tendencies or a modicum of googling skills to find a whole shit-load of stuff they aren�t supposed to read. I�ll leave it a couple of weeks and then I�ll unlock again�.possibly after moving a couple of entries with incriminating evidence in them!
I blame my overenthusiasm and lack of good sense on the fact that I am sick sick sick. I had a really sore throat on Monday but put it down to an impromptu jam session in the workies on Sunday night � I havent sung for weeks (Im not teaching at the mo as there�s too much wedding stuff going on) and it did take it out of me a bit, but the sore throat lasted all day and was joined this morning by the aching bones, thumping head and cheese-gratered nasal passages which are the sure signs that, three days before Im getting married, Im getting a cold. Oh joy. Im sure Ive bleated on about it here before but, because I take immunosuppressants, I suffer a bit when Im getting a cold. Colds in other people seem to sneak up on them as a gradual process, with a couple of days of snuffling and a general �I feel a bit off-colour�-ness, before they start with the Kleenex abuse and OD�ing on Lemsip. Me, its more like I was hit with a Common Cold Express Train, which has not only run me over but then dragged my broken body several miles up the track before smearing me like sequinned strawberry jam over a level crossing, where passing Mondeos may further add to my pain and general fucked-up-ness.
I came home from work at lunchtime today, but not before I had taken safe receipt (and storage thereof) of an email from Troy saying �better take tomorrow off, too�. Which I shall.
Before we get on to more important things, like pictures of me, drunk, can you all get on here and Sign this petition . �1.20 a litre is TOO FUCKING MUCH TO PAY FOR PETROL!! (for my overseas readers, that really IS around the $2.40/litre or $9.60/US gallon)
Just to make sure I get my money�s worth out of this entry, here�s a random pic of Jooj and Treac, looking as scabby and in need of a bath as they can possibly look.
I shall, shortly, be able to post pics of them looking demure and fabulous in their bridesmaid�s finery � the real truth, of course, being somewhere in the middle!
Also, there�s this from NITG (Im sure I don�t need to tell you he works on our helpdesk, do I?):
Friday night we had the wedding rehearsal. I don�t think anyone over here does it like you do it over there (at least on Friends) with a rehearsal dinner and all that shite. We just pitch up a t the church, run through where we�re supposed to stand and all fuck off home again. It was in our best interests to get it over with as soon as possible as it was also my hen night and I had to make some kind of stab at looking glamorous before traipsing off into ChavVille for the ritual humiliation to commence.
Slavey met me at lunchtime and gave me a great bit bag full of shiny crap to wear � I had: garter, tiara, sash, badges, earrings, necklace and wand. When we got to the first bar Liz also had a big sack full of stuff so we all got us some sequined devils horns and penis straw-toppers too. Anne Marie said she�d seen smaller�.which was a bit worrying!
Bad Friend, Anne Marie & Liz
Liz also had brought a Scavenger Hunt for me to do, but before I could get started I noticed a guy at the bar dressed as a pregnant nun. When you�re on your hen night, you really need a picture of you with a pregnant nun so I dashed off to ask. I didn�t recognize him at first�ummm�.probably as he was dressed as a pregnant nun, but it turned out to be the guy who is getting married on the same day as us in the same church. Ive been emailing his girlfriend for weeks as we�re sharing the cost of the church flowers. Id met him once before, at the �Welcome New Brides and Grooms� meeting at the church but he kind of looked different then. Probably as he wasn�t dressed as a pregnant nun.
I emailed this pic to his girlfriend this morning
So, on with the Scavenger Hunt then. 16 tasks, with points awarded from 1 (get a matchbook from a bar) to 100 (ask a guy to marry you).
Easiest thing is to start with the ones which earn you the most points, then if you get bored, or too drunk to carry on, you can still get a good score, so off I ran into the street where two passing policemen got a bit of a surprise. They were somewhat camera shy, so you�ll have to take my word for it that the younger of the two seemed quite pleased at being asked to marry me and, after looking me up and down for a bit, said �Umm. Yeh. OK�, which I thought was very public spirited of him.
5 points for �wearing a bra over your shirt� Easy! Especially as my Guv (!!!) lent me her bra for the occasion
The orange faced harpie in the background is Suze�s friend. She bitched and whined all night which I thought was a bit crap as a) if she didn�t want to be there, she could have gone home and b) she wasn�t fucking well invited in the first place cos, lemme see now, I don�t like her.
Then we found these friendly souls
They are clearly shining examples of Britain�s youth as they were more than delighted to help an old lady out with her chores�..
2 points: Build a man�s sexual anatomy from found objects��Hmm�..One empty bottle and two lollies later and we have�.
(not very realistic, I know, but the thought was there)
50 points: get a man to put money in your bra
Bless him. He managed the whole manouevre without ONCE peering at my tits.
Onwards and upwards. Lovely though our new little friends were, I was needing something a bit more substantial for the next challenge
15 points for �get a piggy back ride from a stranger�
Most of the guys in the bar were VERY young and awfully thin and a bit weedy looking so I had to do a bit of searching before I found this hefty looking chap
He looks concerned, doesn�t he? I think it was mostly the fear that his knees would buckle beneath him and he�d be shown up in front of his mates. Flattened by a drunk tart in a sash. Not good.
Moving on to an 80s nightclub, I got this guy to ask me for ID
And these lovely lads
went through the whole list with me, ticking off the easy stuff like �use a cheesy pick up line�, �get a stranger�s phone number� etc etc. When the one in the white shirt suddenly dashed off, I didn�t realize he�d seen the �make a bridal veil from toilet paper and wear it�, til he came back and expertly fashioned THIS:
By the end of the evening, I�d collected enough points (249) to fit into the �Total Vixen� category, which, lets face it, we all knew anyway, didn�t we?
Favourite photo of the night? The �best biceps� contest, which I think Im winning.
