Dressing up and other stories

2008-04-21, 7:56 p.m.
Phew!

Its been a while, hasn�t it?! Last week I was off work and trying desperately to fill my days with all kinds of wedding based crap while the kids were in Florida. BF was in my face the whole time and, having no kids in the house, was keen to monopolise my ability to go to the pub whenever he chose to and to shag me senseless any time that he chose to and to otherwise give me big long lists of stuff to do which would mean that I couldn�t just hang about in the studio typing rambling great big entries about all the very tedious stuff I�d been doing!

Beetled off to Reading last Saturday to pick up my wedding dress and was stood outside of the door of the shop at the very second that the clocks struck 9. That was a bit of a shame as they don�t actually open til 10 so I had some time to look around the shops and work myself into a frenzy of how fabulous I was going to look in my dress and how the shop assistants wouldn�t be able to contain themselves and would surely declare me the MOST fabulous bride in the whole history of the world EVVA!

By the time the shop opened I had, in my mind anyway, achieved pretty much supermodel status so I was shocked and dismayed to say the least to find a somewhat lumpy middle-aged suburban housefrau in one of Barbie�s old cast offs looking back at me in the changing room mirror. From the waist down the dress strained at the seams, from the waist up the population of Reading could�ve got in the dress with me. And danced around, it was that roomy. The back gaped �it was much lower cut than Id expected (having never seen the dress from the back before) and I couldn�t wear a bra under it. I rarely go braless under strappy clothes, I just don�t have the necessary top-bollocks for that kind of cut and being somewhat slight of shoulder, I can end up looking pretty scrawny without the correct underpinnings! I was so surprised that I just handed over my credit card, signed my name in silence and left the shop.

For a while I wandered around Reading in a daze � totally shell-shocked by totally NOT being fabulous. After a while, I figured perhaps some damage limitation might be in order. In La Senza I found a strapless �stick on bra�, but it was so expensive I really couldn�t justify the extra expense on a dress I was already deciding was going to make its way onto eBay before the weekend was through.

I thought maybe a wander around Primark might cheer me up � a couple of �2 tops is always a little brightener on a dark day, and there I found the self-same stick on bra for FOUR QUID! I stuffed one in my bag and trailed miserably back to the car.

As I drove back down the M3 I was struggling not to cry as I couldn�t believe that I had got it so wrong with the dress. The sky was like lead and it started to rain. Then suddenly, up ahead, and I SWEAR to you that this is God�s own truth, the clouds parted until there was a stripe of blue sky, with an arched top, going vertically from the horizon. Just as I was marvelling at how much like a big doorway it looked, out of the grey on the left, a tiny aeroplane flew into the blue. Then, as I watched, it executed a perfect loop-the-loop WITH SMOKE!, and flew off into the grey sky on the right!!!!

I was so astonished that I thought Id imagined it � the doorway of blue shifted a bit and wasn�t the perfect shape it had been and it was raining quite hard � but then the little plane came back and for about ten minutes I had my own aerobatic show, right there out of my windscreen; victory rolls, more loop-the-loops and one of those scary vertical dives which looks like the plane is going to smash into the ground before it pulls up at the last minute.

I took it as a good omen.

When I got home, BF was in the pub. I sent him a text telling him not to come back for an hour and got to work.

Firstly, some different knickers (ie ones which don�t bite into my flab). Then the stick-on bra, which is quite possibly the most freakish garment I have ever worn�.and Ive worn some STUFF! Then found a pair of high heels (only I could try on a wedding dress whilst wearing mismatched sport socks � which I think once belonged to Shagnasty, incidentally!) and squeezed back into the dress. Better. But still shit.

Took the dress off again and went and found a box of pins. Pinned the shoulder straps up. 10000000% better. Put some lipstick on. Getting there. Found some glittery earrings and a twinkly tiara��.OMIGOSH

I

AM

GORGEOUS!

On Wednesday I went back up to Reading to visit the seamstress. By then I�d also lost about 4lbs of �girlytime� retained water and by the time she�d worked her magic with slightly better-placed pins, I now know that the dress is going to be fabulous. I still look very much like Barbie. But in a good way.

I am now actually looking forward to my wedding.

Thursday, Slave came round for lunch and brought the new baby with her. We had a nice visit and caught up on some Twat Inc gossip. As she was getting in her car to leave she poked me in the chest with her index finger and made a face at me like the guests do on Jeremy Kyle when they�re about to lay down some �You Aint All That� law.

She said, �Oh yeh. Your Hen Night. Don�t even THINK that you�ve got any say WHATsoever in what you DO, where you GO, what you WEAR or how drunk you get. Cos you haven�t. Got it?�

I�m afraid.


Friday, me and BF went into Chigley and booked our honeymoon � ten days in the sunshine with nothing to do except shag, drink and shag some more. *sigh* Oh, and there�s an internet caf� in the hotel so I�ll be able to update while we�re away. Maybe.

Mater chose the exact point that we were signing the holiday paperwork to phone me on my mobile and tell me that my dad has Non-Hodgkin�s Lymphoma (sorry � too depressed about it to do the link. Go Google if you like). He doesn�t need any radiotherapy or anything at the moment but needs to go back in six months for another check. I cried a bit but then my dad phoned me back later in the day to tell me not to be so stupid, so I�ve stopped now.

And then on Friday night JOOJ AND TREACLE CAME HOOOOOOOOOME!!!

It appears that they had a very nice time in Florida, doing all the kind of stuff that kids do in Florida. Even tho she�s actually grown out of dressing up now,

Treac bought a pirate outfit

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Her obsession with all things piratical continues. I�m sure it will one day morph into a simple �lust for Johnny Depp� like normal people but at the mo she�s quite happy just to wear the clothes and fail pathetically at being rough and dastardly.

Jooj and Treac attempt to look mean (Treac with plastic cutlass, Jooj trying to single-handedly deplete the EEC eyeliner reserves and both suffering from a severe case of red-eye courtesy of their cack-handed mother!)

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Saturday was the Latvian builders last day of bleeding us dry working on our studio so we threw a little party for them.

Several bottles of neat vodka got consumed

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Shambolic Cossack dances got danced

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Sometimes whilst wearing the children�s Christmas stockings as bootees

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Maaris soon lost the ability to stand upright and could only manage it by clinging on to Gene � regardless of where Gene was at the time (in this case, on BFs back!)

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The kids found the dressing up box

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And so did Archie

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In case you�re wondering, he�s eating a mini gherkin.

Later
S
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