Lemme tell you a quick anecdote before you start a-thinkin Ive gone all serious on your ass. Im pretty much convinced that this wont translate well to the written word, but I�ll give it a go. Mostly cos Smash says I should.
First of all, y�all need to pinch your cheek and pull it sideways away from your face so your lips/gum/cheek make that kind of �Schh-cl-tick� sound. Got it? Cool. You�ll need that later.
Me and the lovely BF (who IS lovely, BTW, an not nearly so much of a cunt as I would sometimes have you believe), were downloading some new porn, what with the kids being away at Shagnasty�s for the weekend and all, and it had finally got so enough of it had downloaded for us to be able to get a bit of a preview. Sometimes that�s all you need to see before screeching �OMIFUCKING GODDDDDD. Eeeuw. That�s horrible. DeleteDeleteDelete�. Sometimes it just goes quiet and we catch each others eye. �Watch that later?� �Mmm Ye-huh����..*mutual sniggering*
Sometimes the previews aren�t great and there isn�t enough to get a flavour of whats gonna happen later (does porn have a �flavour�?....no, dont answer that). The one we happened to be watching as some kind of light relief from the death and despondency (the death�s self-explanatory. The despondency, I�ll come on to later), was kind of OK for about half a minute, then it sort of locked up and the picture went off. The soundtrack kind of got itself into a loop, like a stuck record. As it had been the bit of the action where the lady had been getting comfortable on the gentleman�s lap (!), there was this kind of Schh-cl-tick Schh-cl-tick Schh-cl-tick Schh-cl-tick (remember that sound from earlier?).
I look at BF. BF looks at me. BF clicks his fingers in time with the Schh-cl-tick and��.
Altogether now�..
�Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let 50 cents
No phone no pool no pets���
Ah!!! The King of the Road/XXXEurobabes Mashup! We managed to get right to the chorus without laughing, dear readers. Truly we are grown-ups.
Ive been driving BFs Volvo V70R around for the last couple of weeks as Id had a problem with my Mazda which was taking WAY longer than was strictly necessary to get fixed. BF had been negotiating with them all week about what was actually wrong with the car but then I came home from work in a particularly pissy mood and let them have both barrels over the phone. Occasionally, working for a self-obsessed bunch of jargonistic wankers has its upside as I did finally have the opportunity to accuse someone of �not managing my expectations� which is a fucking poncy way of saying �but I thought you were gonna�..�.
Me: Where�s my car and why isn�t it fixed?
Mazda cocksucker who is not used to being railroaded by a mean woman: we�ve ordered the part
Me : Where�s it coming from?
Mazda blah blah blah : (importantly) it has to come from Europe, you know.
Me: OK. That�s not very far away is it?..............
Mazda: Ummm. No.
Me: Okay. So if it was coming from China I could understand it.
Mazda : it takes 7 � 10 days�.
Me: And was that fact communicated to us in any of the myriad conversations we have had with you over the last week? Were we made aware of the timescales involved?
Mazda: (airily trying to regain a point) I couldn�t say if we had that conversation or not.
Me : �Kayyyyy. Lemme try you with this one: If we had had THAT conversation�.
Mazda: Yeh?
Me: �would we be having THIS one?
Mazda: �.Umm. No. No. We wouldn�t.
Me : No, we wouldn�t.
My car was fixed within 12 hours.
The blokes at Mazda are a bunch of cunts. I hate the fact that my car now goes wayyyy better than it ever did. In fact, it goes way better than it did when I first bought it. Bastards. BF got about �130 off the repair bill cos they�d jerked us around so much but it was still over *gulp* �500. Hence the despondency mentioned earlier!
We have to get Building Control in to sign off the building work on the new studio so Neil came up on Saturday morning and fitted the front door to make it weatherproof at last. I went to get my hair cut and did the grocery shop. I also went out to the retail park to get some peroxide from the hairdressing wholesalers cos I am too broke to get the stylist to colour my hair. Can you believe, they�ve changed the rules in the wholesales and unless you�re an account customer, you can only buy peroxide in 100ml bottles, instead of the economy size litre bottles I usually get. 100ml is one application, if you�re lucky, so they will sell you up to 3 little bottles but its hardly an economical way to buy it. I need to find someone with a Sally�s card who can get it for me. Meh.
I also went into Homebase and got some varnish for the new door. I know how to live, me.
Saturday night we went to the club and were joined by Suze, her daughter and BFDad. Just what you need on a Saturday night when you SERIOUSLY need to unwind from a couple of hellish working weeks: a 12 year old Chav, an emotionally retarded derr-brain and an 80 year old man with Alzheimers. I love them all but Fucking Hell.
I had a clothing crisis and refused to wear jeans. Jeans are horrible. I keep telling myself I like them but I don�t. BF said I looked fine, but �fine� is not good enough. I put a pencil skirt on and some stockings and some groovy silver stilettos with red stitching.
When we got to the club, the first three men I saw said variations on �Hello, Stepfie, you look very nice� which makes my point exact-er-ly. Jeans are boring arse-coverers for the sartorially uninspired.
I got horribly drunk � dunno how that happened, it just did. Managed to get home without falling in the bushes incident and promptly passed out fell asleep on the sofa.
No hangover Sunday so drove into ChavVille in search of bridesmaids dresses. *shudder* They were all horrid and there were no nice sewing patterns in John Lewis so even Plan B (in which I make the bridesmaids dresses by somehow first fashioning an extra three or four hours in the day to devote to sewing, presumably!) was stymied.
I shall take Jooj and Treacle into town on Saturday and they can choose their own outfits.
This week I am out of the office all week as I am styling a photoshoot for next winter�s product catalogue. We�ve lost the studio space we used to have in our warehouse so we�ve had to go to the Chairman�s house and use one of his barns. Plenty of space (although there would be more if he cleared away some of the 500 bazillion cubic metres of junk, including a powerboat, the contents of his dead mother�s house � she�s been gone 6 years Lord Love Her, I think it may be time to let go! � and about 150-200 archive cases of old sales records from our company dating back to when Moses was a lad.) but FREEZING cold and filthy dirty. It�ll be the thermals for me tomorrow I think.
Oh! I had my annual appraisal today. My guv thinks Im fabulous. Which I am.