I appear to be grievously ill. Possibly poisoned. My best hypothesis for my current malaise is that someone slipped something into my drink last night while we were having our New Years Eve Party. Whatever it was must�ve been right at the bottom of the whisky as I did not feel any ill effects until I got pretty much to about an inch from the bottom.
Of the bottle.
Prior to that I had been dancing, singing and generally being amusing and witty and bright. I had also ben doing passable impersonations of Billy Idol, complete with sneer. Although, Im not sure dear Billy ever wore a purple crochet cardigan and earrings so large that several buildings in my street were demolished when I turned my head a bit quick (more on taht another time!). However, within half an hour or so of reaching the nadir of the Lidls bourbon bottle, I was a slack jawed, glazed-eyed, bumbling incoherent wretch, only able to say �I Love you, you�re fantastic� to the last of the straggling party-goers before crawling up the stairs on all fours and getting into bed. Obviously, the full effects had not quite kicked in, as I was able to remove my clothing with a reasonable degree of success � although the popsox proved a bit of a trauma as I had become unable to distinguish where leg flesh stopped and popsox began, resulting in a few abortive attempts at clawing off my own skin. Had I put the light on I am sure I would have given myself something of a head-start there. There was also a scary moment when I tried to take off my bra, forgetting that I was still wearing a vest top, resulting in a multiple strap tangle and possibly near-fatal garrotting.
This morning, the full effects of the Whisky Poisoners crime were writ large on my face. The deathly grey pallor and skin apparently made of uncooked pastry were the first indication that I wasn�t exactly at my best. My head had been emptied of its normal contents (obviously dissolved in the venom) and replaced with a couple of large ball-bearings which, when I moved my head, would roll across to the other side of my skull and smash into its walls with a sickly thunk. I thought perhaps someone had come into the bedroom in the night and punched me hard in the face a couple of times too (no, not BF, you know I could easily take him in a fight) as, at first glance, I appeared to have two black eyes. Really good ones � purple and black and grey and right from eyebrow to cheekbone. It was only closer inspection revealing smudges of glitter which let me know that I had, in fact, just slept in my makeup, dirty slut that I am.
What is it with makeup? It grows in the night, Im sure of it. When I go to bed, I have a little look in the mirror to see if I still look shaggable. Yes, I do sleep in my makeup sometimes. I have found that this makes it more likely that my bed mate will want to have sex with me as I will look less like Eminem* if I have a little powder and paint evenly distributed about my visage. And it IS a little � I don�t wear huge amounts of makeup � mostly because I can�t be bothered but also because I am not a total minger. I don�t need to be in DISGUISE to get a shag ferchristsake.
Anyways, when I wake up in the morning and go to the bathroom, the teeny bit of makeup I had on not 8 hours previous, has COMPLETELY COVERED MY WHOLE FACE!!!! How does that happen? If I sit at my desk for 8 hours at work, by the time I get home, most of my makeup has rubbed off, presumably through holding my head in my hands and weeping touching my face, eating pies, drinking coffee, rubbing my eyes etc etc etc. I can then go home, add a little bit of mascara and go out for the evening, still looking relatively normal. Get into bed, check makeup, still look kind of like a girl, rearrange features into come-hither expression and have sweaty sex for a while (including, but not exclusively so: squishing face against BFs chest, pillow, shoulder whatever) and then go to sleep.
Get up in the morning, go to bathroom and *SHREEEEEEIIIIIK* - Im Kiss! All of them. On the ONE face! With added Robert Smith, Emmett Kelly Jr and Amy Winehouse thrown in for good measure. Like a Bratz dollie that�s been in the microwave.
Where does it all COME from?
Anyways, I had most definitely, certainly and without a doubt, been poisoned. And definitely, certainly and without a doubt NOT just totally rat-arsed as I am a grown up and a mummie and a captain of industry and clearly above such things.
It has taken the whole day to find the antidote � This morning I tried tiny sips of water and a paracetamol�Nothing!
Lunchtime � nibbling on a Ryvita��still felt like Id been steamrollered (and possibly baked til crispy and sprinkled with sesame seeds)
Mid afternoon � standing forlornly in the shower hoping that the water would somehow dilute the toxins
Late afternoon � lying supine on the floor in the hall talking to Smash on the phone for an hour (and marvelling at how poorly he is�.go give him some luuuurve)
Eventually, after extensive research at the Stepfie Institute of Hangovers Toxicology I am pleased to say that a cure has been found and administered and I am now able to share it with you should you ever have the misfortune to be this afflicted**
Singapore Chow Mein, Sweet and Sour chicken, Mixed Chop Suey and some prawn toasts taken whilst sitting cross legged on the floor watching Fantastic Four with my kids.
Yay!
*no disrespect to Eminem, its just not a good look on a 41 year old woman.
** and it can affect ANYONE � Ive even heard of grown men being poisoned by a �bad pint� � luckily this rogue beverage is rarely, if ever, the first pint of the evening so at least you get to have a few hours enjoyment before being so cruelly struck down by some barkeepers lackadaisical attitude to beer pump cleanliness. I guess it must take 9 or 10 pints for the germs/poison/microbes to work their way along that dead long pipe from the cellar and into your glass. Eh, fellas?
Merry New Year to all my listeners.
S
x
PS Im doing one of those �Baby Shower� type things on Saturday for dear Slavey � we don�t go in for those things much over here so Im not really sure what Im doing. Any ideas/games/suggestions would be really helpful. Thanks awfully.
back - forth