The highly trained and specially-skilled call centre staff appear to not be coping very well with the influx of orders we have had over the last two days. I can only assume that this is because they have previously been shining beacons of efficiency in NON-SEASONAL workbased environments. The twats. Our company product is very much a last-minute gift and, hey, guess what, its Christmas, you �tards!
Consequently they are overrun with orders they cannot execute unless they outsource a big pile of their shite onto �lesser mortals�, ie temps (who work at a snails pace cos they�re hourly paid and not on piece-work) and people from other departments. Funnily enough, these other department-dwellers are the self same who were told that they were no longer needed to assist with peak periods as they were not �properly trained�.
Don�t get me wrong, executing an order is not rocket science and in days of old, pretty much everyone in the company was drafted in at peak periods to help with it. Its just kind of ironic that now we have twice as many staff in our call-centre as we had back then, they�re all specially trained in the latest call handling methods (which also includes a fucking stupidly long greeting which causes the caller to fall asleep and forget what they were going to order�.�Hello and thank you for calling Twat Inc UK. You are speaking to drone #62853/675B. How may I��*snooooore*�), its still necessary to draft in a pile of accountants and HR people and Ops People to help. And. Get THIS. Those people just click on the ordering system and start getting those orders out � without so much as a S.L.A. or a K.P.I. in sight. The Call Centre Manager has installed some kind of Argos-esque call board which tells the drones how many calls are waiting and how long they�ve been waiting for. The drones aren�t even allowed to go take a piss if there�s RED calls on the board. The Call Centre Team Leaders watch the Argos board all day, sticking their heads up like bloody meerkats to gawp and it and then swivelling around trying to catch some poor sap not on the phone or, scratching his arse or, heaven forfend, BLINKING. Tell you what, guys. Here�s an idea. Take your fucking stupid eyes off the board, stop talking in three letter acronyms and do your fucking J.O.B. which, if Im not very much mistaken, is to take calls and process them.
I refused to process any orders on the grounds that I don�t want to have to do the work of all the people who have been seconded out of their regular jobs.
Within about an hour, Slavey and the nice ladies from accounts had pretty much cleared the backlog � mostly by virtue of just getting on with it rather than scheduling a three day symposium on �Seasonal Backlogs and How Their Dissipation Might Be Achieved In an Over-Resourced Hell-Hole�.
Did the presentation of my giant comedy cheque this afternoon. Had my photo taken outside the children�s hospice. The photographer said �Big Smiles! And try to look WARM!�, which we weren�t. It was freezing. I didn�t have my coat on cos I was wearing a nice Ralph Lauren suit and wanted to look splendid in the pics. My shiny red patent shoes were the same colour as my nose!
Tomorrow I shall leave at lunchtime and go buy gorgeous groceries and presents and wrapping paper and be festive. Even if it bloody kills me.