Jenny: I love it when men speak Italian – it doesn’t matter what they say, they could be asking if I have any haemorrhoid cream and I wouldn’t care.
Nicky (whose husband is Italian): Italian for haemorrhoid cream is “Preparacion Ah-Ka”
Us: HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for that, Im sure it will come in handy.
Slavey: Yeh. If any of us ever gets a case of the bum-grapes.
The Various Mothers: Ha. Ha. You will, oh pregnant one, you will!
Me: You can use it to reduce eye bags, too. Its used in TV and film makeup to make aging old farts look younger. It constricts the blood vessels.
Jenny: Coooooool! Im gonna get some!
Slavey: Don’t use loads tho, Jenny. ……..unless you want your eyes to look like bum-holes.
Cue Jenny, Nicky, Farrenn, Slavey and me all screwing up our eyes to look like bumholes……..just like YOU are now!
Im sure I cam here to say something more erudite that that but, hey.
I was right about the sex last night btw. Why wasn’t sex so much fun when I was young (ie fit and bendy)? No fair.
Rehearsing loads at the moment as the play is only a couple of weeks off. Foolishly told the director that BF would help with the music. If he didn’t love me he would be cursing my very name now as it has been a bitch of a job. First of all I had him record all the parts of a marching band playing The Boys Brigade March….actually I think he secretly enjoyed that one as I went out for an hour or so while he was doing it and when I got back he was showing off with a “glockenspiel counter-melody” that he’d put in, but anyway, as production jobs go its hardly Quincy Jones.
Then I stupidly said that I would have him record (what I thought was) a hymn. It actually turned out to be a piece from Edward German’s “O Peaceful England”, which is a bit of opera written in 1902 when they didn’t appear to have any kind of idea what constituted…umm..a tune.
As far as I am aware, Mr German was a well-respected composer in his time. Unfortunately, in OUR time he has become a Fucking Cunt, if BF’s opinion counts for anything.
I guess it says something about my faith in BF that I looked at the score and confidently assured the director that BF would be able to play it. I forgot, of course, that he is a guitarist and not a concert pianist and that he “doesn’t do fly shit”*. Im so used to him playing all kinds of instruments for his normal run of the mill production jobs that it slipped my mind that I haven’t ever actually heard him play a ten minute piece of classical piano of such complexity that the score looks like someone dropped a whole jam jar of tadpoles on it. Ever. He sighed quite a bit.
He did, however, get his own back as I had also promised a “guide vocal” for the girl who has to actually sing the piece in the play. Hmm.
Still. If God had meant me to be perfect, he wouldn’t have invented Autotune, would he? Good enough for Mariah, Celine at al, good enough for me. At least I don’t pretend to be a fucking virtuoso. It kind of sounds ok. Kind of. BFs gone to the pub. I cant say I blame him.
Here’s a recipe for cauliflower cheese. Well, not so much a recipe as I don’t think cauliflower cheese actually HAS a recipe, but, since Ive been asked, this is kind of how I do it. All measurements are extremely vague (apart from the vermouth and the mustard – you really don’t need very much of either!):
Cut enough cauliflower florets for two people (maybe about 12 bits?) and boil/steam/microwave them for a couple of minutes until they stop looking raw but are still crispy – 3/5 mins. Make a white sauce** with about half a pint of milk, butter, flour blah blah blah and add some crushed garlic and a couple of pinches of mustard powder. When the sauce is made, whisk in about 100g/4 oz cream cheese (Philadelphia or something like that) and, if you have it, a splash of extra dry vermouth. Drain the half-cooked cauli really well and put it in a shallow dish. Pour the sauce over. Mix up a small bag of crushed plain crisps (potato chips for US readers) (OR a couple of slices worth of breadcrumbs) with a couple of ounces of the strongest grated cheese you can get – I used extra mature cheddar – and sprinkle this cheesey/crunchy/crumby stuff on the top of the cauli/sauce mixture. Put the dish in the oven and bake at 200°C/400°F/Gas Mark 6 for about 10 minutes until the cheese has melted on top and is nice and bubbly and brown. Eat with crusty bread. Supper anyone?
S
x
* Isnt particularly skilled in sight reading – particularly convoluted piano parts
**If you need help with the white sauce, let me know!
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