Pia...NO!

2007-10-10, 10:02 p.m.
Office conversation between two respected departments of a multi-national conglomeration, variously: three mums in their 40s, one thirty-something and a pregnant 27 year old.

Jenny: I love it when men speak Italian � it doesn�t matter what they say, they could be asking if I have any haemorrhoid cream and I wouldn�t care.

Nicky (whose husband is Italian): Italian for haemorrhoid cream is �Preparacion Ah-Ka�

Us: HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for that, Im sure it will come in handy.

Slavey: Yeh. If any of us ever gets a case of the bum-grapes.

The Various Mothers: Ha. Ha. You will, oh pregnant one, you will!

Me: You can use it to reduce eye bags, too. Its used in TV and film makeup to make aging old farts look younger. It constricts the blood vessels.

Jenny: Coooooool! Im gonna get some!

Slavey: Don�t use loads tho, Jenny. ��..unless you want your eyes to look like bum-holes.

Cue Jenny, Nicky, Farrenn, Slavey and me all screwing up our eyes to look like bumholes��..just like YOU are now!

Im sure I cam here to say something more erudite that that but, hey.

I was right about the sex last night btw. Why wasn�t sex so much fun when I was young (ie fit and bendy)? No fair.

Rehearsing loads at the moment as the play is only a couple of weeks off. Foolishly told the director that BF would help with the music. If he didn�t love me he would be cursing my very name now as it has been a bitch of a job. First of all I had him record all the parts of a marching band playing The Boys Brigade March�.actually I think he secretly enjoyed that one as I went out for an hour or so while he was doing it and when I got back he was showing off with a �glockenspiel counter-melody� that he�d put in, but anyway, as production jobs go its hardly Quincy Jones.

Then I stupidly said that I would have him record (what I thought was) a hymn. It actually turned out to be a piece from Edward German�s �O Peaceful England�, which is a bit of opera written in 1902 when they didn�t appear to have any kind of idea what constituted�umm..a tune.

As far as I am aware, Mr German was a well-respected composer in his time. Unfortunately, in OUR time he has become a Fucking Cunt, if BF�s opinion counts for anything.

I guess it says something about my faith in BF that I looked at the score and confidently assured the director that BF would be able to play it. I forgot, of course, that he is a guitarist and not a concert pianist and that he �doesn�t do fly shit�*. Im so used to him playing all kinds of instruments for his normal run of the mill production jobs that it slipped my mind that I haven�t ever actually heard him play a ten minute piece of classical piano of such complexity that the score looks like someone dropped a whole jam jar of tadpoles on it. Ever. He sighed quite a bit.

He did, however, get his own back as I had also promised a �guide vocal� for the girl who has to actually sing the piece in the play. Hmm.

Still. If God had meant me to be perfect, he wouldn�t have invented Autotune, would he? Good enough for Mariah, Celine at al, good enough for me. At least I don�t pretend to be a fucking virtuoso. It kind of sounds ok. Kind of. BFs gone to the pub. I cant say I blame him.

Here�s a recipe for cauliflower cheese. Well, not so much a recipe as I don�t think cauliflower cheese actually HAS a recipe, but, since Ive been asked, this is kind of how I do it. All measurements are extremely vague (apart from the vermouth and the mustard � you really don�t need very much of either!):

Cut enough cauliflower florets for two people (maybe about 12 bits?) and boil/steam/microwave them for a couple of minutes until they stop looking raw but are still crispy � 3/5 mins. Make a white sauce** with about half a pint of milk, butter, flour blah blah blah and add some crushed garlic and a couple of pinches of mustard powder. When the sauce is made, whisk in about 100g/4 oz cream cheese (Philadelphia or something like that) and, if you have it, a splash of extra dry vermouth. Drain the half-cooked cauli really well and put it in a shallow dish. Pour the sauce over. Mix up a small bag of crushed plain crisps (potato chips for US readers) (OR a couple of slices worth of breadcrumbs) with a couple of ounces of the strongest grated cheese you can get � I used extra mature cheddar � and sprinkle this cheesey/crunchy/crumby stuff on the top of the cauli/sauce mixture. Put the dish in the oven and bake at 200�C/400�F/Gas Mark 6 for about 10 minutes until the cheese has melted on top and is nice and bubbly and brown. Eat with crusty bread. Supper anyone?

S
x


* Isnt particularly skilled in sight reading � particularly convoluted piano parts
**If you need help with the white sauce, let me know!




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