Of course, she said yes, as it was a reasonable request and I am not known for horse-arsing about when I am supposed to be working.
When I got home, BF was working in the studio on a rave track which has melted the few brain cells which weren�t destroyed by a meeting which started with a plastic cup of warm apple juice and a smoked salmon floor tile crostini as �Welcome Refreshments�.
*sigh*
So, for the last hour or so I have been sat upstairs in my little home office�.watching appalling quality lesbian porn, in which two hatchet-faced "nurses" with enormous fake breasts, indulged in what could only be described as a Human Pillow Fight.
I know that they are nurses, as they are wearing nurses� hats. I do suspect, however, that they are not real lesbians. Whilst I can appreciate that a wide variety of tit-based activities have their place in any modern sexual relationship, (whether hetero or single sex) and indeed am not averse to administering the much beloved Soapy-Tit-Wank or giving/receiving advanced nipple tweaking and/or caressing, I am struggling to find anything remotely horny in being smacked around the face by three pounds of silicon in a flesh-coloured bag. Especially if said silicon is attached to a straw-haired, chamois-skinned, sweating Eastern European with thighs like Reg Harris.
I can only assume that this is �Lesb!an P0rn��for men. That would also explain the ridiculously long (and frankly dangerous) false nails, "exotic" draped shag-couch and enormous amounts of bright red lipstick.
Whilst I am certain that the Goodfellas of Diaryland don�t watch this kind of shite�..who does? I suppose it must be the kind of guys I dated way back when, who thought stockings were pervy and that a girl must be some kind of whore if her pubes were *ahem*, �shaped�. Needless to say, they were also the kind of guys who got off on the thought of two chicks �doing it�, even if said chicks were older than their mums and clearly not really giving each other a whole lot of pleasure.
I think there ought to be a law against bad porn. Each to their own, of course, and some things which I find mainstream might make you go "Eeeeuuuuww" but I do think that the female participants should at least look like they�re enjoying it (and by that I don�t mean pouting, flicking their hair and going "auh, auh, auh" whilst squeezing their own boobs together).
The chaps aren�t a lot better, they seem to go at it with the same look of grim determination on their faces as they might have if they were, say, having to clear out the garage when they could be watching the motor racing. Whilst there is the one obvious visible sign of enjoyment, I rather suspect that they are more to do with not being able to believe their luck that they are actually GETTING A SHAG, as I have never seen a guy in a porn film that I have found remotely attractive�and I�m not particularly picky! Dudes, there�s more to being shaggable than shaving off all your body hair and having a big dick. Try wiping that �disdainful� look off your face for a start and try and look like you actually fancy the chick you�re poking there, Blam Blam Blam like a Black and Decker Hammer Drill made flesh.
The Goodfellas of Diaryland are, of course, all marvellous in the sack�.but should any errant rogue males be reading, particularly any who have come across (!) this diary by Googling "Lesbian Porn Boobs Spitting Shag Whore", here�s a few tips for you courtesy of the World of Porn that is my home PC:
If your cock going in is making your chick�s ladyparts crinkle up and vanish inside themselves (tried to think of how better to describe that�.but cant!), and she�s kind of wincing in an "Ooo Ooo OoooCH" way, chances are she�s �not quite ready to receive visitors�. That�s not an excuse TO GOB ON HER, you heathen, even if you HAVE seen it in a thousand films. Just pull out (gently!) and go eat a slice of clam pie til she catches you up.
If BF ever spat on me during sex, I would punch him full in the face, several times, until he passed out.
Sex in porn films is not �How To Have Sex�. Its like haute couture. You�re not actually supposed to WEAR those clothes, they�re just there to give you an idea of how trends might be developing and to give you an overall �look� that you might want to try with your own interpretation
It surely cant be a quantum leap to assume that, if you arent really supposed to think that shagging a girl, stood up on a sun lounger on your patio whilst the Avon lady (who has just come to call) stands nearby stroking her own pants and biting her bottom lip, is a realistic sexual scenario, then neither is 99% of porn.
Its just there as a vehicle to get you started � lets face it, looking at people naked always makes you horny�(wha�?�just me?�..Oops!) Or to give you an idea of something you might like to try later. It is extremely unlikely that you will get the same reception, particularly if you stick to EXACTLY how they did it in the film.
B & Q patio sets were never designed for filing clerks and lorry drivers to stand on, noone ever looked up imploringly while a guy (or two) shot their load on her face and I never met ANYONE who shagged on a rock in a picturesque location without going "Ow, fucking hell Clive, that shingle�s RED HOT! Put a mat down or something, willya!"
Anyone �happening upon� You and Your Beloved attempting to recreate a little Dejeuner Sur L�Herbes is a) likely to scream and/or run away and/or call the police b) unlikely to be �well fit� and want to join in and c) even less likely to have come armed with a selection of glass dildos in a picnic hamper (I saw that in a film once � I swear!)
In just the same way as no Tom, Dick or Wayne ever became Bruce Willis JUST by wearing a vest, and perfecting the Tony Manero swagger (whilst holding a tin of paint, natch!) is no cast iron guarantee that when taking to the dance floor you will cease to look like Magnus Pike on acid, there is no reason to suspect that attempting to copy anything you see in a porn film will lead to astounding amounts of sexual gratification and/or hero worship from the opposite (or same) sex.
Think not "I�ll do that! That obviously makes ladies want to rub spit into their own bumholes! See! Good enough for Jenna, good enough for my �Chelle. I�ll bang away with all the skill and subtlety of a rutting rhino whilst holding one of her legs over the top of my head and that is sure to make her want to bend her own boob up and try to lick it. That would be so coooool"
Rather think "I wonder if my partner would like to try that, it is making me feel horny and looks fun. When we are having sex later, I�ll talk to herand see if she would like to try that position."
Oh, and there�s probably never a good time to suggest to your partner that she brings along one of her colleagues from the Post-Op Gastroenterology Ward and then proceeds to smack her in the face with one of her whangers.
Just a thought.
Now I�m gonna go finish my report.
later