Veni Vidi VWEEEEEEE
2007-06-18, 9:52 p.m.
Lemme see, now. What do I need to tell you about this week?Last Saturday, when I nipped into Chigley with Jooj, we had a quick skite through the �formal gowns� section in TK Maxx. Firstly because I have a ball to go to in November, but also as Im trying to get ideas for what to wear for my wedding. Nothing seems to be �right�. Bloody hell, I had enough trouble getting away with white last time � if I pulled another stunt like that I wouldn�t be surprised to hear open guffaws as I walk down the asile.
Anyways we were hanging all the dresses over our heads by the hangers and being all girly and stuff and I pulled out a dress which made Jooj go �Aw MUM!!!!! Getthatonegetthatonegetthatone� and then in her best �copied from too many teenflicks� voice �Omigosh mum, you have, like, soooo go and try that dress on and soooo got to get that dress anyway with out even trying it on cos that would be like so perfect to get married in and you would be like sooooo gorgeous and everyone would go omigosh she just looks so cool and it would be so cool and you�d look so cool and BF would go omigosh you look so cool blah blah blah for an hour� until I lost the will to live and we moved on to Shoe Express.
All week Ive been thinking maybe I should�ve tried it on at least.
This Saturday I was in Chigley again after giving my friend Kath a lift to the market. I thought Id just go see if the dress was there. If it wasn�t�.well then it wasnt meant to be.
It was still there.
I thought Id just try it on cos it was at least a size too small and then I could stop wondering if I should get it cos it wouldn�t fit me.
It fitted me.
I was all on my own in the changing room (Kath had gone home) with a potential wedding dress on (stripy socks and cowboy boots on underneath, naturally!), and no-one to show it to. I took it off again and carried it around the shop for a bit, dithering about whether to get it or not.
Then I bought it. The shop dude knocked a couple of quid off as it had a dirty mark on the back (I sponged it right off when I got home) so now I have a dress I could wear for my wedding (if I don�t find anything else I like better) and it cost �36.
Saturday night I was off to annanotbob�s for a wee bit of birthday party, playing pass the parcel and musical statues in her sitting room with wee grandson Tony and all Anna�s other friends and relations. Couldn�t stay very long as had a whole load of extra family stuff to do but it was nice to see her and the 138 mile round trip gave me a chance to go VERY fast in my car!
Sunday was Fathers Day so, in a bid to stop BF thinking about his kids (and his dad) we got up and went to Ikea in Bristol. BF didn�t want to go the quick way so we took the scenic route which took us past both Avebury Ring
(cue Beavis and Butthead style sniggering: �HuhHUH You said RING!� �Look at all those tourists, you�d think they never saw a ring before. Huh Huh Huh.�)
And Stonehenge
Which isn�t very joke-worthy. Apart from �It�ll be nice when its finished�. If you SHOULD happen to have any Stonehenge jokes tucked away in your repertoire, feel free to share.
Got a few bits and pieces in Ikea and had a proper look at the kitchens in a vain attempt to try to cut down the cost of the new bar/dining room extension to something approaching the national debt of a medium sized African nation. In typical fashion, BF had not made any attempt to measure the existing kitchen so we couldn�t spend hours playing with the little kitcheny jigsaw thingies they have in Ikea which are supposed to help you to not buy the wrong stuff. I am pretty sure that, when we come to actually buy the stuff, we will buy the wrong stuff.
BF was dismayed at the size of the cookers and did some kind of �Nothing�s too good for MY girlfriend� type rant involving the size of the cookers and people who only cook chicken nuggets and how a splendid cook like me should have a ginormous cooker. I think it was supposed to be a compliment. And we did see one of those strange kitchen sink mixer tap spring attachment things like you see in Belladonna�s Perversions American films but which you never see over here in the UK. I might get one of those for��Aww shut UP!
When I got home from work today I got BF to make the little step-stool thing we bought so that Treacle can reach the kitchen cupboards even when us tall people are still in bed having sex enjoying a little lie-in on Sundays. This might mean she can have something other than tomatoes and an Easter egg for breakfast as she will be able to reach the cupboard where the cereals are as well as the bottom of the fridge.
BF is obsessed with getting the stool absolutely level, even tho the floor isn�t level anywhere in our kitchen and its defeating the object somewhat. I have just had to spend a merry half hour with my head scraping the kitchen ceiling tiles (Hmmm, last time I did that I was table dancing on the breakfast bar, if you�ve been with me that long and can remember when I wrote about other things than suburban shopping trips!) while BF made miniscule adjustments to the legs of the step-stool � not with the perfectly acceptable Allen Key which came in the flat pack, but with a succession of power tools which go VWEE VW-VWEEEE VVW-VW-VWEEEEE and have locking chucks or something. I got to shake my considerable booty on the step-stool to see if it wobbled (the stool, not my booty!). There were no visible signs of movement until I got off. Then the stool went wobbly again. I have tried to explain to BF that it is my corpulent flesh which is anchoring the bloody thing to the floor and when I get off, aside from breathing a sigh or relief, it just goes back to its natural state. He�s still in the kitchen, tinkering. Ive shut the door so now I can only hear vweee-vw-vweee in a quiet way.
Today was the first day of working with my seconded help. As she looks a bit like:
this, I shall call her Ada (which was my nan�s name, coincidentally!). Slavey is on holiday so I am �training� Ada. Mostly that involves saying �No, no! That�s fiiiiiiine. Maybe we could just tidy up that punctuation and spelling a bit, and maybe have a go at getting it straight on the page and Look! Most of the coffee has wiped off now, Im sure it will be OK. Nooooooo! I don�t think you�re thick. Its always a bit tricky learning new things, isn�t it.� My face hurts from smiling so brightly. Im sure she�ll pick it up.
Managed to escape early as I had a doctors appointment. Lying on a plastic couch in my suit jacket with a moustachioed obs and gynae nurse making busy with the boot stretchers was joy compared to the thought of another hour of Ada.
Later