Ketchup!
2006-12-10, 7:45 p.m.
Holy Absenteeism, Batman! Its been a while, dear readers. Anyone who thought me dead will be mightily disappointed � particularly if they�d already gone out and bought something in black crepe for the funeral. My apologies � and I hope you kept the receipt.Here�s a couple of pictures of the stuff I blagged from the flower show � as you can see, one of them would have made a very nice wreath HAD I actually shuffled off this mortal coil and gone to meet my maker.
In reality I have been doing nothing more than being full of busy-ness and not able to get on the ole PC for love nor money as you see, something most strange has been occurring in the Palace of Many Sins.
BF has been working
Yup. Real work, which pays real money and everything! He�s been working EVERY DAY and for more than an hour at a time. Its panto season of course, which means the world and his panto producer have been calling up with the usual reasonable set of demands:
�Yeh BF. We want Tarzan Boy, in the style of Bohemian Rhapsody, in E flat major, with some Mantovani type shit in the middle. Condense it down to two minutes 14 secs and leave four bars in the middle for a little handclapping routine. I cant send you a midi file of it but Ive got a couple of pages of handwritten score although I spilled my coffee on it so you�ve only got pages 1, 3 and 8. Oh, and Ive got a little mpeg of my girlfriend singing the melody. She�s a bit flat, and its at the wrong tempo and its in B minor, but you should be able to work with it.
Can I have it by Tuesday lunchtime? No, don�t courier it, its too unreliable, you�ll have to drive down here with it.�
You get the picture.
So, with only one computer in the house with internet access, there�s just been no way Ive been able to do much at all except shove sandwiches under the door and adjust the cotton wool in my ears which is preventing me from going crackers as I listen to �Whistle While You Work�(with Kerrangg guitars) for the bazillionth time.
In the interests of not boring you rigid, and also as I want to do some other stuff tonight (like have Crazy Monkey Sex for the THIRD TIME today�..*sigh*) Im just gonna skip through the other stuff Ive been up to and then try to get back to normal with the updates next week.
Anyway, that�s enough of the lists as I keep forgetting to put the code in and have to keep going back to get it to show up properly.
Here � speshly for my dear friends Dandydandy and Prohibited , is how to do eyeliner. BF took a quintillion photos for ease of explanation but by the time Id weeded out the ones that were out of focus and the ones where the flash had done something funny because of the mirror in the bathroom and the ones where I looked even more like a rough old dog than usual, there were only these left. I hope they help.
First, put on eyeshadow. Im using orange because I am Barbie it shows up nicely. Don�t worry too much if you appear to be channelling the late great Paula Yates.
Get a nice soft eyeliner pencil and make sure you�ve sharpened it. The Rimmel ones are nice and not too expensive. You can get them in SuperDuperDrug.
Pull the corner of your eye gently with the flat of your finger and rest your �pencil hand� on your cheek. This will give you a much more stable work-surface. Your skin will be taut and your pencil hand wont be waggling about in mid-air. If you�re right handed, start with your left eye and start drawing at the outside edge. Take your time and keep your skin taut. Lots of little pencil strokes can be joined up later if necessary. 
Draw a line to just past the centre of your eyeball. There�s no need to go right across. Try to makes the line narrower as you get nearer the centre of your eye. 
It should look pretty much like this: 
When you come to do the right eye, if you are right handed you will probably find it easier to draw from the centre of your eye out to the outside corner (ie, the �wrong� way round). Once you�ve done both eyesPut on some mascara
And a bit of lipstick and���Hey Presto �Middle Aged Slapper!�