The Weekend Part 1 - bad language and bad behaviour

2006-10-15, 9:18 p.m.
Another weekend gone to rat shit.

Lets start with Saturday. Here�s the plan: I go to the supermarket in the morning, and the hairdressers in the afternoon, then I go home, update my diary and we spend the evening having incredible sex after I make us a lovely dinner.

The reality: We go to the supermarket, BF comes too. To help. As we are pulling into the carpark he remembers that he has to go to the bank so he wanders off into town to do that while I start the shopping. He catches me up just as I get to the checkout and does a big faux panting thing explaining how he�s rushed like crazy so he could get back in time to help but that the queue was just HUGE in the bank blahblahblah. When we get back home, he makes a worse job of putting the groceries away than the children do and then phoned his sister. She turns up at our house so they can go collect his dad together and take him to the pub. Im not invited. In fact, BF says, "No, Stepfies not coming, she�s having her hair done". Bearing in mind its 1 nano-second past 12 and I don�t have to be at the salon til 2.30�.oh, never mind.

I spend the next hour or so preparing dinner � pollack fillets (yep. We�re poor), spread with pesto and rolled up, then wrapped in Parma ham. Then I go get my hair cut. Shagnasty turns up at the salon with Jooj (cos she�s getting her hair cut too) and us girls spend a merry hour chatting about boys and being coiffed. As we�re leaving the salon I ask Jooj if she finished her project yet but she says they couldn�t finish it as, despite having spent the morning shopping with Shagnasty, they didn�t have any glue. Apparently, "daddy went to Woolworth�s but couldn�t find any". Cue rant number one of the day, in which I bellow "Is your father fucking retarded? How can he not find glue in Woolworth�s? What the lazy-arsed git means is that it didn�t jump off the shelf into his hand chirping here I am! Here I am! You need scour the shelves no longer!. " Jooj just laughed. She knows her father quite well. We went to the craft shop up the road and bought some glue then I got her to phone Shagnasty. There was barely a whisper of sarcasm in her voice when she said "don�t worry about making a special trip out this afternoon, daddy. Mummy and I have already got the glue�.(pause)�The glue I TOLD you I needed for my project�..(pause)�.the project Im doing for my homework�.(pause)�.oh never mind, bye dad."

I broke her necklace putting it back on her after she�d had her hair cut and she said she hated me. Not in a "GOD! I HATE you. You�re not my MUM. Im ADOPTED!*slams door*"- way. More in a "*sigh*. *stares at beads all over floor*. *sigh* I hate you *kneels on floor to pick up beads*. *sigh*"- way, which is OK. I laughed. On the way back to Shagnasty�s we sang along to the Beastie Boys.

Scooted round to maters after dropping Jooj off as mater is off on her hols today and I thought she might give me some food out of her fridge. Usually she gives me all the stuff that she thinks is going to go off before she gets back but she must�ve already given it to the neighbours or decided, at long last, that a dozen eggs and half a pound of mature cheddar are not going to turn green and start oozing radioactive slime all over the inside of the new Zanussi in the four days that she'll be in Belgium. I sincerely hope that she hasn�t started to think like that as she takes quite a lot of holidays and I might have to start buying my own food more often if this is indeed the case. She has been known to give over the entire contents of her fridge, go on holiday, be back for several weeks and for me to still be eating stuff she's given me as it wouldn�t "last �til I get back".

So anyway, I had a cup of tea and BF phoned up. He�s still in the pub (its now 4.30ish) but he wants me to come back straight away as he wants me to meet a new friend. The new friend has a TVR Tuscan. I think this is supposed to make me like this new friend more, but it instantly makes me think he�s probably a tosser, as, if he has enough money to buy a TVR Tuscan, WTF is he doing drinking in the shitty old H@m Farm H@rvester? Which, by anyone�s reckoning is a crap, overpriced, shite-hole of a place and the only reason we drink there is because its about 200 yards from our house. Still, BF appears to want to show me off so I leave my mother�s house and go back to the pub. The new friend, lets call him Toss-can is holding court, surrounded by empty bottles of Sol with bits of lime stuffed in the top of them. He IS a tosser, isnt he? Chum is also there and between he and BF are guffawing at Tosscan�s jokes and generally bigging him up. (Rant number two approaching, you may care to skip if you�re sick of me already).

A party of people come into the pub, aunties and uncles, kids, old grannies and an attractive young girl of about 17. She�s very slim and quite nicely dressed. Tosscan, Chum and BF start to discuss her various qualities. Loudly. Along the lines of:

Tosscan: Aww, she�s fucking lovely. Lovely little arse on her.
Chum: Yeh. Skinny legs so there�s a nice little gap between them at the top and you can see her cunt.
Tosscan: Yeh. Id be able to see her cunt if she was sat on my FACE. *waggles tongue*
BF: Nah, a girls legs have to be a bit curvier than that. I want their thighs to meet at the top. I don�t want to be able to see daylight through the tops of her legs when Im looking at a girls arse.
Chum *kneeling on sofa for a better view*: Nah, nah, nah mate. You need to be able to see her cunt.
Tosscan *miming grabbing the girl by her upper thighs and shagging her roughly from behind*: Aww yeh. She�d be fucking LOVELY!
Stepfie: FOR FUCKS SAKE! HAVE A LITTLE CONTROL, WILLYA! That�s a REAL PERSON, not a slab of steak. She�s half your age and she�s here with her FUCKING FAMILY, you scummy lowlife bunch of TWATS!
BF, Tosscan & Chum: Wha? *blink. blink. blink*
Stepfie: C�mon guys. How would you feel? You�ve all got daughters. How would you feel if you were in a pub and you could hear a crowd of middle-aged men talking about your daughter like that?
Tosscan: *nods towards me*I think she�s jealous cos we didn�t say SHE had a nice arse.
Chum: Yeh, Stepfie. What�s yer problem?
Stepfie: *blink blink blink* Im going now. See yez later. (to BF) Dinner�s at half-six, baby *kisses BF*

As Im leaving, I hear Tosscan say, "BF, dude! I think we upset yer missus! HAHAHAHAHA!"

When BF gets in, he�s sheepish. Im cooking � braising some Savoy cabbage in butter and vermouth for the parcels of pollack to sit on.

BF has had to sit through about 45 minutes of the "Your missus is a nagging old bag"- type ribbing, usually reserved for�ummm�nagging old bags. We get a lot of them in our pub. They come in mid-afternoon, in leggings, flip-flops and fleecy, Argos jewellery clanking, hair scraped into such a tight ponytail that their heads look totally spherical. They will invariably have a lit cigarette in their pudgy, over-ringed fingers, which they will drag on heavily and then brandish in Zorro-like fashion. If, of course, Zorro was ever three stone overweight, had skin the colour of boiled bacon, had dirty feet and the faint aroma of chip oil about him. And if he were dragging a couple of sullen, impetigo infested, future factory fodder snotnosed bastards behind him. They say:

Oi! Wotthefuckinell you doin in ere? Ay? Ay? Ive been rarnd me muvvers for freefuckinhours waiting for you, y�cunt. *motions towards kiddies* Britney and Tysons gotter be at jujitsu in firty minnits and youre in ere parafuckinlettical wiv these cunts.

*"cunt" mumbles "you fuckin takem then"*

Yew�ve got the fuckin car! Nar take the fuckin kids to jufuckinjitsu. Im goin to the bingo.

She�ll then sweep out in a wave of Lambert and Butler and Impulse fumes, her capacious arse trembling in its lycra coating.

*"cunt" turns to kiddies. D�ya wanna go to jujitsu or d�ya wanna stay here?*

*kiddies shrug*

*"cunt" fishes in pockets for change. Go get some crisps then and sit over there out the way. Im busy*

Tosscan had invited us to go see a band with him. BF implores: I know he�s a twat and I know you don�t want to go. I don�t want to go. But if we dont go��.

It looks like BF is totally pussy-whipped and, despite having a perfectly good invitation to go out, get drunk and �havalarf�, is going to have to stay in cos his missus threw a wobbly in the pub and wouldn�t let him out.

Im fucking furious. But I wont be beaten by a tosser. For the good of BF I get changed. For the good of me, I shout down the stairs and promise BF untold delights of the carnal type if we don�t have to stay til the end. BF wavers slightly but then comes upstairs and sees me in pink frilly corset and matching thong. I sing:

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was�..oops, she is! Silly me! I put on jeans, a pink silk blazer over the corset and my perspex porn shoes. Im now 6�2". I say "let�s get it over with" and we go out.

The band are quite good. Tosscan tries to catch my eye the whole evening but he�s only about 5�9" so I can feign looking over the top of his head, even tho he�s darting this way and that, trying to make eye contact. I look hot. BF looks HOT. We look so fabulous that a passing acquaintance gapes and goes "Ohmigod, you two look FABulous" and a sweaty girl in an unpleasantly tight top tells me my hair is lovely.

While BF is in the loo, Tosscan seizes his moment � he sidles up. He has to stand on tiptoe as I wont even incline my head to listen to him over the din and says "I think we may have got off on the wrong foot earlier". I say "Not at all. Its forgotten about already".

"Nah, but, you went off on one about us looking at that girl"
"No. I �went off on one� because you were bellowing across the pub like you were at a cattle market. I care not in the least if you look at girls, nor what you think about when you look at them. I would just expect a grown man to have a little more decorum and to keep his voice down if he feels it necessary to say �I wanna be able to see her cunt�"
"Oh. I thought you were fucked off cos your boyfriend was looking at her"
"He looks at girls all the time. He tells me what he likes about them. *raises one eyebrow* I quite like it"
"Oh. *gulp*. That�s OK then. *smiles weakly*. So we�re friends then?"
"Of course. Im sure we�ll disagree about many and several things in the future but that�s all part of being grown up. *bends down to whisper in his ear* You�re still a twat tho."
"*blink blink blink* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

More soon as I had a school reunion today and I really do think I need to share its full dreadfulness with you all.

S
x





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