Crocodile Hunters and Pooh

2006-09-04, 10:23 a.m.
Guess what! Steve Irwin died! Whilst this is, obviously, sad news and Mr Irwin�s death will leave an unfillable void in the realm of over-enthusiastic and rather rash wildlife show commentators, I was somewhat heartened to read that he had been killed by a stingray barb. I cannot help but feel that it was a most fitting end. Had the poor unfortunate been, say, run over by a Skoda on the way to Blockbuster or perhaps electrocuted whilst tidying the borders with a not-very-well-maintained Strimmer or maybe suffered fatal burns whilst eating a frosted strawberry Poptart it just would�ve seemed a bit pathetic. But �killed by a stingray barb� � how cool is THAT! Gwan then, name me a cooler death!

Obviously, being music industry related I can add the usual rash of vomit chokings, motorcycle crashes, drug overdoses etc � sadly, being personally acquainted with way too many of that little lot.

The world of politics can provide a plethora of auto-asphyxiations, over-indulgence induced heart attacks, and �doing the decent thing�s.

But a STINGRAY BARB! I�ll warrant he wasn�t just leaning a bit too far over the railings at Weymouth Sea Life Centre, either!

Anyways, enough cool-death based frivolity. WTF am I doing, in BFs studio, fart-arsing about on my diary at quarter to ten on a Monday morning? Shouldn�t I be at work, dammit?

Sadly, and happily, no. I�m not at work today and I wont be at work until Friday. Tomorrow Im going for a colonoscopy so today Im staying at home to �prepare�. More on that later. Ive had a colonoscopy before and its not really very nice but it does have one MAJOR LEAGUE good point. It means I don�t have to go to work til Friday. Ive been thinking about this quite a lot vis-�-vis how I feel about my job at the moment, and the best I can come up with is: �Work at Twat Inc? No thanks, I�d rather have a camera shoved up my arse.� Maybe they should use it as a marketing slogan. �Twat Inc. Not quite as pleasant as a Nikon up the nether regions.�

I mentioned here a few weeks ago that I was going to go have this vile thing done and I had many and varied messages of support � mostly in a �its not so bad� kind of way. Sadly, the vast majority of these messages came from across the pond where they obviously do things a bit different. Lemme tell ya, my little stateside pals, it IS so bad, m�kay! As with pretty much everything NH$ based, its badly organised, over-engineered and a beaurocratic nightmare from the start. Bearing in mind that my appointment is for 1.15 tomorrow afternoon, Im not allowed to eat ANYTHING after 8.00 am THIS morning. I can drink only �clear fluids� NOT including whisky (I checked) and at two-hourly intervals today����� I have to do what I just did (that was what the long pause was for. I was in the kitchen), which is glug down a pint of foul-smelling, foul-tasting crud which is going to make me shit through the eye of a needle prepare me for tomorrows �procedures�.

Bearing in mind my natural propensity for necking copious quantities of whisky, you would think I would have no problem at all in quaffing pints of stuff that I KNOW is going to make me feel dreadful and wish I hadntadunnit in a couple of hours, but somehow this is different. Unlike the L!dl�s bourbon I have been forced to imbibe of late due to my extreme poverty, I very much doubt that the bit in between me drinking a pint of P!colax and wishing I hadn�t will involve very much dancing on tables, snogging of musicians, singing Let Me Entertain You into a hairbrush, breaking the heel off my shoe, falling in the bushes or collapsing on the bed wearing only a fishnet bodystocking and a Valkyrie horned helmet shrieking �FuckMeSenseless you hunkahunka burnin� love�.

Oh, and a word to the good people at F3rring Pharmaceuticals. �natural, spray dried orange flavour (includes butylated hydroxanisole)� yeh? That�s supposed to make it taste nice, is it, you bunch of well intentioned, white coat wearing cunts? WELL IT FUCKING WELL DOESN�T. It tastes like fizzy washing up liquid and leaves your teeth feeling like they�ve been coated in chamois leather. Just put on the sachet �Tastes like cack and makes you shit. Now just get it down you, you big poof or the doctors will have to push that camera REALLY HARD up your bum to get it past all that pooh�.

Anyways, expect some more updates over the course of the next day or so. Most will have pooh-based references so you can look away of you�re feeling squeamish.

Later

S
x
PS the Steve Irwin link doesnt work. you can go to http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/5311298.stm if you want to read about it. Im crap at links arent I?!
UPDATE: 11.33am oh. my. god



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