Writing about tidying the house does have its limitations � there�s only so much humour and human interest one can work into a tale of hoovering, laundry, dusting and light garden duties.
The drinking and smoking take care of themselves pretty much. BF does most of the drinking (Im on the wagon on account of trying to lose a few pounds of extraneous flab) and the smoking really ought not to be glorified in any way, shape or form seeing as it�s a filthy, stinky, expensive and dangerous habit.
Just the sex and porn left then!
I recall boring you all with a little tale regarding some porn we�d watched on holiday which hadn�t had the required effect on account of the participants being, frankly, a bit vile and the whole thing just a little icky. Last night, in the absence of anything more diverting to watch, BF suggested we try "the rest of that G!na Lynn thing" as we had, apparently only watched CD 1 (of three!). In the interests of giving the poor girl a fair crack at the whip we cranked up the giant wide screen studio monitors and prepared to be impressed.
"G!na Lynn�s Darks!de" appears to be that she LOVES to give head. Lots of head. And so do her friends. I don�t think she gives particularly GOOD head though, as it seems to take, like, forever, and the guys� minds are clearly elsewhere as they are gazing into the middle distance. Im pretty sure I give better head than G!na Lynn, cos throughout the whole film, BF never once said to me "Why the fuck don�t YOU ever do that? That looks fucking fantastic, you selfish cow". I�m telling you, dear readers, G!na Lynn�s never done a pre-work quickie in the hallway before wiping her mouth on the back of her hand and saying "Im gonna be late now, you randy old goat! Help me up, my knee�s gone" then catching sight of themselves in the rear view mirror as they back out of the drive and yelling "Thanks a fucking LOT. I look like Robert Fucking Smith now!" out of the window of the MondoShitMachine. I noticed too, that none of the chaps in said film were wearing watches. Presumably this is to stop them being caught on camera peeping at the old Sekonda with a "Fucking Hell! How much LONGER?" look on their faces. Don�t get me wrong � there is a time and a place for the leisurely blowjob. The sort that makes his eyes roll back in his head and renders him unable to speak/walk/think for an hour or so afterwards. Lovely, if you have the time�. or if you REALLY REALLY want him to come shopping for curtains with you this afternoon, but G!na goes to it with such gusto and gay abandon, that you just KNOW she�s thinking she�s gonna miss her bus if he doesn�t fucking well HURRY UP.
G!na, my friend. Try a couple of these (surveyed from the many Friends of Stepfie this very afternoon) if you�ve got a souffl� in the oven and need to get IT done a bit sharpish:
1. Don�t spit. Ever. Its horrible. You never hear a guy say "I love women who spit". If you need a little extra moisture for something, try chewing your tongue discretely (not with mouth full of cock, obviously). It produces a reasonable amount of fairly runny saliva which can be dribbled seductively. Don�t spit. Certainly don�t go "Hwoch" and then spit. Im given to believe its something of a turn off.
2. If his mind seems to be on other things (Hurst, Ball, Stiles, Moore, Charlton ummm�.Charlton again�.umm�Hurst � no, I said him already. Damn. � Oh, fuck off guys, you�ve all done it. When you don�t want some new chick to think you�ve got a hair trigger) � you have two options. A) reach up under his shirt and tweak his nipple (if it�s a fond acquaintance) or B) reach up and slap his face and say "Oi! Im down HERE! Pay attention willya, Ive got to pick the kids up in twenty minutes" (if it�s a slightly less fond acquaintance. Or a husband).
3. If you�re the quiet and a bit shy type, tip your head right back so you can look him in the eye (you might need to employ 2A) or 2B) above if he looks like he�s struggling to remember whether the Chancellor put 6p on a packet of fags and 10p on whisky in the Budget or whether it was the other way around). Remove his cock from your mouth, take a firm grip and say sweetly "I�d love you to come on my face". He�ll be so shocked, he probably will. Of course, this won�t work if you are a cheap ho� who says that kind of stuff all the time.
4. All else fails? Only one thing for it then. Just make sure you wash your hands before you start picking the raisins out of that Starbucks Danish on the way to the office.
Needless to say, this list ISNT comprhensive and all-encompassing but there's a limit to how many people a girl can phone on Easter Sunday afternoon and ask a question that starts "You know when you need to hurry up with a blowjob, yeh?" To protect the guilty I wont be divulging which of my little friends provided those gems.
Anyway, back to the film. CD2 opens with a skinny blonde bird giving head to a muscular type on a rock. In the middle of some fairly impressive waterfalls and rapids type stuff. I guess it says something, either about the quality of the action, or the age of the observers (!) that all we could find to say about it was "Ohmygoodness, that is SUCH a beautiful place � I wonder where it is. Skip to the credits a minute and see if it says "shot on location in blahdeblah" will you?" (It didn�t.). We also spent toooo much time working out how they�d got ON the rock in the first place as it was entirely surrounded by roaring white water (some kind of bridge, methinks � retracted by film crew once the action commenced) and, bizarrely, cogitating on the very composition of the rock itself and the type of lesions it would produce on the knees/shins/feet etc of the participants (It looks volcanic, Stepfie � that�s gonna be like pumice!�.No way! Its speckly, BF. Its granite or something, but it looks kinda barnacle-y�.Yooch!)
The Brian Harvey lookalike I mentioned in the previous entry made another appearance, with his mate who looked a bit like Em!nem, which just made it look a bit like the latest episode of Pro-Celebrity Blow Jobs. Poor G!na was giving it her best shot � there was much flicking of hairdos, imploring looks up to camera and murmuring but, hell, these guys just didn�t seem to be having any FUN at all. Fast forward (with sound, for full Alvin and the Chipmunks amusement) to the next bit where G!na enters a room filled with smart-but-casually dressed businessmen types.
I had a sudden flash of inspiration � five dull looking men just past the full flush of youth, one slightly inappropriately dressed woman. Men sat about with "Gwan then, impress me" looks on their faces. Inappropriately dressed woman crawls around on the floor gamely attempting to force a little life into the proceedings � OMG, it�s a Twat Inc Management Meeting!!!
Needless to say, in the true spirit of Twat Inc Management Meetings, men spent an extraordinary amount of time doing not very much at all, girl goes to ever more astonishing lengths to impress. Men get looks of grim determination on their faces. Some of them still have their arms folded. Girl, frankly, humiliates herself in the effort of trying to bring matters to a suitable conclusion. Men stand around in a circle chatting amongst themselves. Girl is at a lower level (obviously), desperately seeking attention from one, then the next, without any real success.
Men decide amongst themselves what to do next without consulting girl. Girl flicks hair around a lot � men are looking at ceiling, presumably thinking of higher things than silly girls. Men rough girl up just a little bit to show her who�s boss. Girl makes some valid time-management suggestions which are, at first, ignored and then re-suggested by one of the men and adopted as a good idea.
Girl gets totally fucked over and ends up with cum egg on her face.
Nightie night
S
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