Saturday was rehearsal day again � only one extra Rock God this time and they do seem to be getting some kind of plan together. BF had worked out the guitar parts for the stuff at the end of the Big Gig where he is joined by his adoring support acts for the show�s finale and so spent a bit of time with S , running through how that segment of the show should go, in readiness for S to teach the new songs to M. They�re all classic covers but some of them have a new kind of treatment that the young fellers might not be familiar with. The sounds coming out of the studio were pretty OK, so I guess its all coming together slowly.
We�re still a bit freaked out from finding out that Jezebel has booked no crew and no lighting technicians and that we cant get in to the venue until 5 as there�s a film on in the afternoon. Obviously this cuts the get-in time down quite drastically and as our sound man is coming all the way from Leicester we could be a bit tight for time!
I went into Chigley while the Rock Gods did their thing, mostly just to get out of the house but also for a little retailing. Bearing in mind that Chigley only has about four shops I think I did extremely well to get two sweaters for me, one each for Jooj and Treacle and a rather nice petrel blue velvet suit which I shall be wearing to the office tomorrow. Oh, and two ENORMOUS coffee mugs which, as we discovered this morning, hold almost a whole pot of coffee each.
Went to the pub for an hour in the evening but then came back early as BF wanted me to do his hair (!) and we�d planned to have a nice Chinese takeaway before retiring to the boudoir to work it all off again. We phoned for the takeaway at 8 and they said they couldn�t deliver for an hour which gave us plenty of time to mix up some peroxide and get the frosting brush out. By 8.40 the hairdo was complete and we were just hanging around waiting for our food.
Needless to say, they completely forgot about us and the food didn�t arrive until quarter to 11. By which time we�d discovered a whole gamut of "things to do whilst waiting for a Chinese takeaway:
a) Start to watch Sleepy Hollow only to discover that BF had never heard of it and had to have every single line explained to him. He couldn�t really see the point of it and kept asking dumb-ass questions like "So, is this a horror film then?" and "So, is this a comedy then?" and "So, is this a kids film then?" until I was ready to chop off his head whilst galloping by on my phantom steed. As he was talking ALL the time he kept missing important bits of plot explanation. Like Christopher Walken�s teeth for example. In the end I told him that The Hessian ("I thought that was some kind of cloth"), was so fierce because, he�d had his teeth filed down in readiness to have crowns fitted and everytime he went to eat something it really really hurt � Ive had a crown fitted and BOY does it hurt to eat when you�re in that transitional stage.
Then, of course, we had to do impressions of The Hessian eating an ice-cream, and drinking a cup of tea, and chewing a toffee, until the film just wasn�t important anymore and we switched it off and went into the kitchen. Where we debated�..
b) How many liqueur chocolates it would take to get a child drunk. Obviously there are a lot of variables in this equation, depending on size of child etc but for the purposes of this experiment the chocolates in question were Mon Cheri and the child was an arbitrary five-year-old. We figured out that, as the chocolates contain 13% liqueur, then a whole box contained 41grammes of liqueur. Of course, alcoholic beverages arent usually measured in grammes so we had to find out how much liquid 41 grammes was. Out came the scales and several glasses, so we could test whether or not different liquids �weighed different�. Im sure there are exceptions to the rule but we discovered that generally they are all pretty much the same. And 41 grammes of alcohol is roughly three quarters of a smallish whisky glass. We sat the glass on the table between us and posed the question "Would a child be drunk after consuming that much cherry brandy?". After some deliberation we decided that said unlucky little tike would, indeed, be absolutely bollocksed. Onwards and upwards then�.
c) "Stuff Your Nan had in her House at Christmas" � this started as a natural progression of the liqueur chocolates thing as, as any fool knows, nan�s are contractually obliged to have a box of Famous Names Liqueur Chocolates the size of a sapele door throughout EVERY festive season. Just in case any of you have been living under a stone for the last thirty years (or perhaps don�t get this stuff where you come from), Famous Names chocolates contain liqueur versions of the most popular alcoholic beverages of the day; back in the mists of time (ie the mid seventies) these were generally Teachers Whiskey, Harveys Bristol Cream Sherry, Drambuie, Cointreau etc etc.
The boxes were huge but only contained one layer of chocs, usually arranged in a sunburst pattern once you�d got the lid off. The lid generally had some kind of photographic representation of the lounge of a gentleman�s club or some such on it. I think this was to give men the idea that it was OK to eat them as boxes of choccies are generally just a bit, well, poofy. They were bottle or barrel shaped and wrapped in foil to look like whatever was supposed to be inside. Anyway, even a chap so staunchly anti-poofy as my Grandad B � no shampoo or deodorant for HIM, it was a squirt of Fairy (natch!) Liquid and a bar of Lifebouy soap was all that was needed to keep him looking dapper, I�ll have you know! � could be persuaded to have one or two of the whisky filled delights. To my knowledge tho, he never just nibbled the tops off and then swigged out of the wee choccy bottles like us kids used to. We were never allowed more than one or two. At the time it seemed just mean but bearing in mind the equation above, I guess it made sense.
Nan�s also had boxes of dates (that nobody ever ate), some figs in a very very sticky cellophane wrapper, chocolate covered crystallised ginger and one of those boxes of jelly sweets designed to look like slices of oranges and lemons.
By the time the takeaway arrived (there were a couple of terse telephone calls but we wont go into that � suffice it to say BF kept his cool magnificently whilst actually ON the phone but then resorted to racist name-calling of Prince Phillipian proportions once the receiver was back in its cradle) we had that kind of hunger which means you just KNOW you aren�t going to enjoy your food nearly as much as you should.
Maybe it was all the talk about liqueur chocs, or maybe it was the three quarters of a bag of Japanese Rice Crackers Id eaten while I was waiting but after scoffing about half a plateful I was totally full up, and so was BF. In the end we shoved it all back in its little containers and put it in the freezer for another day.
This morning, awoke at the crack of ten and pootled about the house doing chores, making bread, working out how many time we could have sex before Jooj and Treacle come back tomorrow tea-time and planning the day. Once we�d got ourselves together we put on our hiking boots and went for a walk.
Started out through the woods where we went last weekend with the girls then across a field and along the banks of the old canal. Apparently we saw an egret. Word of warning: If slightly nature-obsessed boyfriend is pointing out �creatures of interest� during countryside walk, saying "Yum, tastes like chicken" to everything will result in him trying to push you in the canal.
Half way along the canal we went past the back of a house we once tried to buy. In the garden were two swans. Even I stopped and looked. This rural idyll was ruined nano-seconds later by the two Rottweilers living next door who ran the length of their garden to snarl, bark and generally be unpleasant. The swans didn�t take any notice. Perhaps as well as being mute they were also fucking deaf, because these two bastard dogs were kicking up a hell of a row.
We encountered many dogs and their owners during the course of our walk. Why do dog owners not accept that not everyone likes dogs? Im actually quite scared of them and generally speaking they don�t like me much either. If they arent actually biting me then they are usually snarling, barking fiercely or jumping up at me causing me to make a stupid girly "Ehhh, Ehhhhh" noise. Every single dog we saw while we were out today did some kind of combination of the above. Every single owner said "*patronising voice* Come away now Fido. He�s only playing. He wouldn�t hurt a fly". If one of them would say "Gosh, Im so sorry, he appears to have taken a dislike to you. Here. Let me put him on the leash while you squeeze past us on this very narrow tow path. Im sorry if he got your trousers all dirty and caused you to look panicky and go "Ehhh, Ehhhh" in that girly way. I can see your boyfriend thinks you are a complete spaz." I would be Soooo grateful.
When we got home I started the decorating of the downstairs khazi whilst BF hung about being annoying (oh, and putting a shelf up). The chandelier is now in situ and the ceiling and one wall have been emulsioned. In case I havent mentioned it before, the downstairs khazi is singularly the vilest room in the Palace of Many Sins. It has flowered tiles, flowered toilet and flowered sink with gold taps. It has a dado rail. It has a mahogany loo seat. Until very recently it also had navy blue floral wallpaper and a swagged border at ceiling height. We cannot afford to replace any of the sanitary fittings and are so having to �live with it�. We have therefore decided to make it as ostentatious and astounding as we possibly can. BF spent two days fixing up the giant chandelier which used to hang in the dining room of my former marital home. It takes up much of the ceiling and gives out so much light that it actually hurts your eyes to take a pee. We have many more plans. When its finished I will take advantage of my newly acquired photobucket type thingy and post it here for your delectation. It will be an homage to bad taste and you have my full permission to go "Oh, fucking hell, that is just NASTY." In fact, I will be gutted if you don�t.
BF has just skipped off to the jolly old pub (I didn�t want to go, I wanted to talk to you instead) and then we�re going to have a nice bath and go to bed early. Oh, hang on, that sounds a bit suburban�how about:
�..and then we�re going to get in the tub, smoke a joint and massage each other with Bergamot Salt Scrub. Then Im going to dress up in whatever pervy little outfit BF has in mind for me to wear, dance around the bedroom like a two-bit hooker and fuck each other senseless.
Better?