A fairly uneventful few days in the Palace of Many Sins. Friday night BF went out for a few scoops with my dad � that always worries me a bit, that one of them will let slip some secret or other and thus taint me forever in the other�s eyes. (like me paying the school fees for two years on my own because Shagnasty said he couldn�t afford it anymore or like the fact that I get pissed off that Mater kisses BF and the kids Goodbye but never kisses me etc etc). So far so good though, Pater has agreed to be BF�s surrogate dad (on account of his own dad having Alzheimer�s and not really being in a position to offer paternal-type advice, the poor old bugger), they did a bit more slagging off of Shagnasty and Pater has given BF a few good tips in dealing with me and the other females of the Familystepford. Basically, the general rule of thumb seems to be: if in doubt, don�t.
BF�s only task of Friday was to strip the wallpaper from the downstairs khazi � a job that should have taken him about two hours. It DID indeed take him two hours but that included a trip to B&Q to buy a new scraper, then back home for a few tentative stabs at the Novamura before going back to B&Q and buying a steamer. I wasn�t best pleased as we are a bit skint this month on account of BF having NO work on except his teaching, and in any case, Pater has a perfectly good steamer we could�ve borrowed, but hell, the paper got stripped.
Saturday after diving, Jooj had her mate over to play. Stepfordtart regained her rightful position as �coolest of all mums� by getting the mate some SERIOUS Christmas presents: black faux leather baker-boy cap, fake Dior-ish metallic handbag and black and silver crinkly scarf thingy. When mate�s ma came to pick her up I think she was a bit taken aback "Oh, mate" she trilled "How�GROWN UP!". I hope Jooj didn�t try the cap on as her nit infestation has returned with a vengeance. At tomorrows parents evening Im going to seek out the parents of the kid Jooj sits next to and inspect them for crawling stuff, as Im sure she�s getting re-infested somewhere. Every time we get rid of the little bastards they come back � correction, we get rid of them during the holidays when she�s not at school, and as soon as as she goes back to class�..eeeeuuuw, they�re back.
Whilst the kids played, StepfordTradesWoman got on with the wallpapering. BF went to the pub. Whilst Im pretty sure that last bit cant be what�s supposed to happen, I was glad of a couple of hours peace and quiet and by the time he came home it was all done (and packed away and everything!). We had a picnic tea in the sitting room whilst watching ET and pretending to be a proper family. Treacle blubbed LOADS and had to sit on my lap. She could only be jollied out of her weeping by me pointing at her and saying "Beeeee Gooood". Oh, and by me finding a picture of Drew Barrymore on T�Internet to show her that "Gertie�s a real grown-up lady now". Jooj had seen the film before but still did the "wiping of eyes and coughing" thing at the sad bits. BF had his back to me, but I bet he was blubbing too. Gah! I live in a house of pansies.
Sunday we cleared out all the junk from the spare room and stuffed it in the loft, in readiness for a bit of an invasion of musos when BF does his BIG GIG at Chigley Posh Theatre in a few weeks time. We�ve got some cracking support acts lined up and if I ever get the hang of html, I�ll post all the links so you can get a little flavour of what pays the mortgage here at The Palace. Well, no. If I post links to what pays the mortgage you will just get a rather uninspiring picture of my paltry pay-cheque, but the other sounds ever more glamorous, doesn�t it?
Ive been wondering for a wee while whether to make myself a bit less anonymous as far as D�land is concerned, but I like to be able to slag people off and bitch about work and generally be occasionally unkind without scaring myself shitless about what might happen to me if anyone I know finds out. Had an email from my dear friend Liz (she can have her real name, I�ll never slag her off here) who, as a result of some careless talk between myself and moviegrrl at New Year, had found my diary and had a good old read. Thankfully she said she�d found "nothing shocking, just raised a wry eyebrow once or twice", so I guess its OK if she reads me. I don�t think it will make me self-censor, as Ive said nothing here that I wouldn�t tell her anyway. Also there is the matter of BF and HIS privacy, as he is fairly well know �on the circuit� and it would be much worse for him if his funny little habits were suddenly in the public domain � I don�t mean the porn habit, and the smoking pot and the being manky in the mornings, that�s just musician stuff � but there�s some stuff I want to write about his family and his past which I think needs saying, but does demand anonymity. What do YOU think? Are we more interesting for being less real?
My poorly wrist seems to be a bit better, although there is a great big bump on the joint which I am pretty sure is a ganglion, although it doesn�t move around much like ganglions usually do. Im just grateful that I can type, and pick up a coffee cup and hang wallpaper and give right-handed-hand-jobs once again (although not all at once � that�s a skill that is still eluding me at present). At least it means I wont have to go and see my new doctor, whom I suspect has less medical knowledge than Dr Suess. "Hey! What�s up with your wrist? It looks a bit pissed. Lets write what�s wrong on a pissed wrist list." Although, to be fair to him, he isnt nearly as bad as the Doogie Howser who was treating me about ten years ago when I was SERIOUSLY ill in hospital with ulcerative colitis and a suspected perforated bowel. This fuck-wit stood at the side of my bed, poking my stomach for about half an hour and then:
Dr Shitforbrains: What was the operation you had?
StepfordSick: Ive never had an operation
Dr SFB (VERY Patiently, as if talking to a retard): Yes you have. You have a big scar on your tummy. Right here. (traces a line on my stomach from navel to pubes)
Stepfordsick (VERY VERY patiently but in the voice of someone who cannot quite believe their ears): That is called a linea negris. It is quite common in women who have just had a baby. I have just had a baby. You have seen her. It is not a scar. It is a skin discolouration. It will gradually fade over the course of the next few weeks. Were.You. Not. Paying. Attention. In. Your. Obstetrics. Class?
Dr SFB: Oh.
Stepfordsick: *reaches for Patient Notes to have a look-see if it says, "patient has a bit of a tummy ache"*
Tomorrow I have the joy of a parents meeting at Jooj�s school where they will explain what Year 6 SATs are and "how to guide your child towards the necessary standards". Hmm, Jooj was attaining the necessary standards at her expensive private school about two years ago. If she does not ace the SATs it will be because she fell asleep from boredom in the first five seconds of the exam. AND MiniMe will be there. Bah. I will wear something fabulous and be disdainful. I think the pink boucle will suffice, especially as I have a management meeting tomorrow morning and it will do for both. Needless to say, I have brought a whole shedload of work home with me tonight and have done precisely none of it, on account of spending an hour talking to you lot. Ah well, there is a rather splendid vat of pasta sauce bubbling away on the stove so the evening�s not been entirely wasted. The last Rock God is half way through his lesson and then it�ll just be me and BF. Phew.
It our four year anniversary on Thursday so we might even go out on a date. To a restaurant. Like REAL couples. Although I did hear BF telling Chum yesterday that we�d have to "eat early to maximise shagging time". I should be affronted but I cant be arsed. Think I�ll skip the starter��.
Later